Did You Miss Me?

Chapter 5

I heard a knock on the door. He was here! I shrugged on my baby pink cardigan over my skater dress and slipped on my nude ballet pumps.

"Have fun, Jj!" I heard my mum call from the living room. I was too excited to even think of a retort for the 'Jj' thing. Sam was here!

I opened the front door and was greeted by this god of a man. He had his leather jacket on and his black skinny jeans with a pair of old hi-tops. I still had no idea what drew him to me. Lacy said it was fate, and in that moment, I believed her. Nothing this good happened by accident.

"I wanted to take you somewhere special, Jess" his deep husky voice gave me goosebumps, it had been almost a week since I'd heard it, and I missed it. I glanced up at him and fluttered my eyelashes, twirling my blonde hair around my index finger, trying my best to look flirty and cute, even though I just felt like I was probably embarrassing myself.

Sam took hold of my hand and we started walking up the road. We walked for what felt like forever, neither one of us saying anything. There were times I wanted to say something, to ask how his week had been, or to ask whether he had missed me, but I wasn't sure whether he wanted a conversation so I kept my mouth shut.

Eventually we got to a meadow, it was beautiful, well it probably would have been in the summer, when the cherry blossoms were out and the grass was green and lush. It was now autumn so the trees were dying and the grass was more like a marsh, but it was the place we had our first kiss, so it was still perfect to me.

We climbed to the top of the hill, the wet grass making my feet wet and my tights stick to my toes. Ballet pumps were not a wise idea for hill walking, neither was a dress and tights. I rolled my eyes at myself, mentally teaching myself a lesson to stick to sensible clothes if I'm not sure where I'm going.

Once we were at the top of the hill, Sam pulled me into an embrace. My head was against his chest and I could hear his heartbeat, the most comforting sound in the world. When I was upset, he'd just take me into his arms, and I'd focus on that sound.

"I need to tell you something, Jess. I don't think you're going to like it either"

I looked up at him. I hadn't said anything on this journey so far, and as much as I wanted to start talking now, I couldn't find any words. Why would he bring me up here if he was going to tell me bad news? This was the place where good things happen, why didn't he just tell me somewhere like a dump? Why did he have to lead me on by bringing me up here?

My eyebrows knitted together in confusion, but I still couldn't find the words. Sam looked at me expectantly. He knew I wasn't much of a talker, but maybe this time he wanted me to say something. Maybe to convince him that whatever he was about to say is wrong.

"What?" I managed to mumble, but it sounded a lot harsher than I intended it to. It was supposed to be a comforting tone, giving the message that he could tell me anything, but instead it gave me the message that he should just spit out whatever he's got to say and get it over with. I closed my eyes silently apologising, and wanting to have my head against his chest again, but instead he held my shoulders at arms length, and looked at me straight in the eye, searching for the right words to say.

"Dylan got into Harvard. My parents don't want to let him go all that way and stay by himself"

My ears felt like they were betraying me by listening to this. Dylan was Sam's older brother and had always wanted to go to Harvard but their parents had always said no, that it was too far away and he wouldn't be able to come home to visit. Sam's parents had always been like that, they were protective, and loved their children so much that they didn't like the thought of losing them. There was one time Sam suggested going on holiday with me for our one year anniversary, but his parents soon shot that idea down saying they wouldn't be able to get in contact with us for the week.

"So you're moving to Massachusetts?" My voice wobbled slightly, I wasn't going to cry over Sam moving. This didn't mean we were breaking up, it probably just meant that he wanted to tell me he wanted to try long distance. I was the kind of girl who wanted to be in someone's company though. To have physical affection and longed for cuddles and kisses. Sure I'd have good morning texts, but it wasn't the same as having a good morning kiss.

"Yes" His reply was short, and I wasn't entirely sure what he was suggesting now. He eyes broke apart from mine and he gazed up to the sky, as if asking the clouds what to say to me next. My eyes never left him.

"So what does that mean for us?" I eventually asked. If he wasn't going to suggest anything then I had no choice but to ask the question neither one of us wanted to think about.

"I can't ask you to move with us, not all that way. Your mum loves you too much, and the animal sanctuary is here"

I was shocked and somewhat excited that he'd even considered me moving with him. Of course that was never going to happen for those reasons, but it still made me almost giddy that he had considered it.

"And you're not the sort to have a long distance relationship" He looked at me again. This time his eyes betrayed exactly what he was thinking. It was my turn to look away, except I looked at the ground, wishing the marshy grass to swallow me up. I couldn't believe what was happening. We were breaking up.

"I see" Was all I could come up with. All I wanted in that moment was to feel his finger under my chin, to lift my face up and kiss me and tell me that it was going to be fine. That didn't happen, all I felt was his hands let go of my shoulders and I heard him sigh. He wasn't even going to reassure me it was going to be okay and I didn't know whether it was because he knew he'd be lying, or he didn't want to make me okay with this because it would be too painful for him.

"So we're done" It was supposed to sound like a question, but turned more into a statement. I heard him sigh again and I looked up at him. He looked stressed. His foot was tapping relentlessly and his eyes were back on the clouds.

He looked back at me, and nodded. It wasn't very often Sam couldn't find words, he had words for everything. I grabbed the hem of my dress and started fiddling with it between my fingers, not really sure what to do. I'd never had a relationship that had lasted more than a year before. I'd never had a breakup that seemed this pointless before. I felt my heart shatter. I knew deep down that I should have said 'fine' and walked back home, but I didn't. Instead I just hugged Sam, listening to his heat beating again, but the comfort wasn't a comfort any more, it was just a reminder that I wouldn't be able to do this again; not with Sam, probably not with anyone.

When I didn't feel Sam hugging me back I pulled away, and without looking at him again I started my journey back home. My gaze never left the floor, and at that point I no longer cared about the brambles making ladders in my tights, or the marshy grass soaking my feet and ruining my shoes. I just wanted to be home, listening to Taylor Swift on repeat and eating mum's apple crumble.

I got home and trudged through the house, not making a sound, and ignoring my mum's attempts to ask me what was wrong. I went straight up to my bedroom, the pictures I'd put on the wall of me and Sam just made me want to cry, but I didn't. I ripped them down and put them in the bin.

Mum came into my bedroom later that night. She told me to turn Taylor Swift down and also to come downstairs for some food. I decided that I wasn't going to let my breakup stop me from enjoying food, and even though it was obvious what had happened from the ripped up pictures in my bin, mum didn't mention it. 

After a few weeks of being heartbroken, of wanting to call Sam and convince him that we could still work as a long distance couple, and that I was still in love with him I decided I'd had enough. I decided I didn't want to be this girl any more. I called Lacy and went shopping. We bought clothes I would never normally wear: crop tops, skinny jeans and shorts and when we got home we gave all of my dresses and skirts, and everything pink to charity. I also joined the gym and started working out. I never had a problem with my chubbiness until this breakup, where I suddenly realised I wanted a hot body that I was proud to flaunt. I wanted to work for a figure that I wanted.

Sam was the best love I'd ever had. But if he thought him moving away would leave me in pieces forever, then he was sadly mistaken.

—

Bit of a shorter chapter, but it was a little flashback. Hope that's okay, it hopefully gives you a little insight into how Jess used to be in her girly days, and also gives you a little bit of Jam (Jess and Sam) so I hope you like it :D

Back to normal next chapter <3