Look at You

Chapter 23

23

I don't talk to Callie until Monday morning.

"How was it!" It's 8:30 a.m. and she's shrieking.

"Bad."

I draw out my chair and collapse into it. My backpack falls on my feet, but I don't move it. I run a finger along my computer's trackpad waking it up before I turn to Callie. She's silent, which is never a good sign.

"Really bad," I say, my voice a hushed whisper. I'm in danger of crying with the look she's giving me.

She looks ashen. Like a ghost. "Oh, sweetheart."

I give her an abridged version of the weekend's events. I think talking about it is going to make me feel better, but I only feel worse.

"And he hasn't said anything since?"

I shake my head no. "It was terrible, Callie."

She bites her lip, and I can tell I'm not going to like what I'm about to hear. "Okay, hear me out." She wheels closer to me. "He has...points."

"You're taking his side?" I knew she would.

She sighs. "He plans everything, doesn't he?"

"Well technically, yes but—"

"So he has a right to be frustrated about not feeling like you're putting in the same level of effort, right?"

"Okay, maybe, but—"

"And if you were in his position you'd want him to give you some sort of concrete thing you could point to and say, Cam planned this night for us, he really cares. Something like that?"

I'm silent.

"He didn't let you explain yourself, and maybe the lazy comment was uncalled for. Fine. We can fault him for that." She takes my hands in hers. "But do you think we can give him a bit of a break, Si? He's still figuring it out. He's still figuring you out."

"Fine! Fine. But the fact remains that I'm the one who's actively into guys. I'm the one who's going to lose the most if something goes wrong. He could freak the fuck out on me and call me a predator, he could tell the whole office that I—"

"Simon." Callie puts a perfectly manicured finger over my lips. "You can't seriously believe that Cameron Lewis, the Cameron you can't go a day without, the Cameron who says you make him a better person, you can't believe he would seriously do that to you."

"It's happened to me before," I say. Granted it happened in high school and John Carter is the worst of humanity, and I guess it's 2022 now, but still. John informed how I built every single romantic connection I had moving forward. I can't just unlearn that.

There was more to this story than I had let on with Cam at the Pittsburgh bar. John Carter not only ran screaming from my lips after he said yeah, why not, let's do it during our friendly game of spin the bottle, he also convinced the rest of our extremely tight-knit friend group that I wasn't to be trusted among the guys. The only thing that saved me from being an outcast at Highland was being a good enough lacrosse goalie to make varsity my freshmen year. After that, Trey, Jackson, and the rest of the lacrosse guys adopted me, damned what John Carter and his friends had said.

I never come on to people because I'm terrified of what's going to come next. I wasn't kidding when I told Trey my type is convenience. My type is people who like me because then I know it's safe.

"Babe," Callie tilts her head. "We both know that Cameron is in love with you. If all he's asking for is an olive branch, I think you can do that. He's not going to run. He's not going to hate you. He just wants to see that you care as much as he does."