Lana Arwen Lazar

Part 4: Unstable

"There's a mark for every kid who has died, since the beginning of the FAYZ." She regretted the words immediately after she spit them out. 

Astrid's eyes transformed, and now were filled with some kind of emotion. She didn't know what. 

"Why?" came out of Astrid's mouth softly. 

Lana sat up, ignoring her bodies' screams of alarm. Her voice was hard. "It doesn't matter. Look obviously you're useless, so you can just go. I'll find my own drink." 

She untangled herself from the sheets, and found a footing. She stumbled a few steps. On the dresser was some medical supplies, some extras from Dahra's hospital, for just in case. There was some bandages, a tube of antibiotic ointment, and a bottle of rubbing alcohol. 

She picked up the clear bottle and examined the label. '99% Alcohol' it read. Lana shrugged, and unscrewed the cap, and was about to take a long swig. Before the bottle reached her mouth however, Astrid snatched it away from her. Lana opened her mouth in protest. 

"What are you doing?" Astrid exclaimed. "You're going to kill yourself." 

At the moment Lana could muster up the energy to really care. She just wanted to drown in it. She wanted to drown and forget. 

"Honestly Lana-" Astrid continued like a scolding mother, "What are you- I don't- You're just" She couldn't seem to get any words out either. "This isn't you," she finished with a sigh. 

Lana's mouth quirked up at that. "It is actually." Her voice came out bitter even to her own ears. "Do you know why I was even out in the desert when the FAYZ happened? I got busted. My mom caught me sneaking some vodka out of the house. I told her it was for a friend." 

Lana laughed, but it wasn't funny. "It wasn't. It was for me. Because that's who I am Astrid. That's what I do. I just keep making mistakes, and wasting away, and hoping that'll be the last of me." She wasn't sure if she was making sense, but the words just kept coming, faster then she could keep up with. 

"You don't have to," Astrid said quietly. 

"I do. I do," Lana whispered. 

"That's not who you are, you're-" 

"I'm pretending," Lana interrupted. "Yeah I guess I am. Nobody wants to see the real me Astrid. The real me would end up hurting somebody. So yeah I pretend. I pretend to be Lana, the healer. This girl who spends her days locked up in her hotel room, with nothing but her dog, her gun, and a cigarette and is completely content with it." 

Astrid seemed to be at a loss for words, which Lana couldn't help but enjoy just a little bit. Eventually her voice came out with just one word. "Why?" 

"Because I'm weak," Lana said, and she couldn't believe she was admitting something like this so easily. "Because little kids are dying and I can't take it." 

There was this buzzing in Lana's ears now. And she wasn't sure if Astrid was saying anything back to her, but she kept talking anyway. Her thoughts were broken fragments, and she couldn't seem to hold onto them for long. So she had to get them out, say them out loud as she thought them, or they'd be lost forever. It was like a movie, and her words became cut scene after cut scene. 

"It's my fault. It's all my fault." 

"I was supposed to heal them. Me." 

"Why are they dying. They aren't supposed to die." 

Lana stared at Astrid, her eyes wide. She knew she must've looked insane but she couldn't help it. Her body felt like a puppet she didn't quite know how to control yet. 

"People say my power is a miracle but it's not Astrid, it's not." It seemed important that Astrid knew this. "It's my curse." 

Lana didn't like being filled with such extreme emotion. It made her feel unstable, and dangerous in a bad way. 

"Tell me. Tell me Astrid if God is here why are kids dying. And why did he do this to me? Why would he give me a power that doesn't always work?" 

Lana felt lie an elephant was sitting on her chest. She was afraid her ribcage might shatter. "Do you know how many people that makes me responsible for?" All of the oxygen in the room kept running away from her. She tried desperately to catch it, but she couldn't. "I can't- I just- I can't-" She couldn't breathe. She was drowning. For real. 

"I can't breathe," Lana gasped. It felt like there was a black hole inside of her chest. It sucked up her heart. Her lungs. She was a machine with missing parts. 

Lana dug her fingernails into her palms, and tried to control her breathing.  

You have control. You have control. You have control. She kept telling herself that, and tried to believe it. Eventually her breathing slowed, and the buzzing quieted. Her body stilled. 

And the room became utterly stagnant.