Lana Arwen Lazar

Part 5: Darkness

It was quiet for too long. Lana glanced upwards. Astrid's face was completely blank, her eyes emptier than Lana had ever seen them. Astrid always had something going on in that head of hers, she was always thinking, always calculating, and her eyes reflected it. Her eyes always held this energy, this spark, like a storm cloud. But now they were a plain canvas; unpainted.  

"I'm sorry," Astrid said. That wasn't what Lana was expecting. Her voice held no emotion, and had no inflections at all. 

"Is that it?" Lana asked. Astrid still stood statue still. 

"What else do you want me to say?" Astrid whispered. 

And then Lana felt the most despicable feeling seep into her, as if she were a sponge. 

Lana had always been a private person, and she was ok with that. She was a machine with altered parts, she functioned just a little bit differently then everyone else. At least she thought she did. Maybe everyone felt that way. Everybody going through life like actors in a play, not aware that their castmates were just as aware of the audience as they were. 

But she didn't think so. She felt like she was missing out on some big cosmic secret, and if she could just figure out what it was she would understand this world so much better. She lived and breathed behind her masks- sometimes like a Venetian, ornate and calm, better than reality, other times like a wooden African mask, primal and wild, an uncontrollable surge of energy. Neither one was her, however she preferred the disguises to her actual insides. The masks were stronger, they kept people away. She couldn't risk being under a magnifying glass, somebody might see right through her, pull her masks right off. 

So she spent most of her time alone, and she liked it that way. That was the only time she ever felt safe. But now? What was this feeling? It was unfamiliar, and scary, and impossible. She felt almost disappointed. Why wasn't Astrid prying at her? Why wasn't she being her usual Barbie shrink self? She felt the words crawling up her throat, slowly but surely, fighting there way out of her mouth. She tried to push back but her retaliation did nothing.  

"I don't know," Lana could hear the desperation in her own voice, the slight tremor gave her away. "Something-" She couldn't find the words to finish. 

"Something to make you feel better?" Astrid interjected. "What am I? You're mommy?" Astrid's words bite her, the venom stung. Lana had never felt so naked in front of another human before. She'd never felt so weak, except for when she was with the- she couldn't find courage to even think the name. 

"Do you think it's that easy Lana? That I can just kiss you're boo-boo's and," she waved her fingers like some perverted version of a magician "All better?" 

"I don't know," Lana repeated. 

"I'm sorry, I can't do that. Lying is a sin," Astrid said, "And you're right." 

"What?" Lana looked at Astrid, and her vision blurred and flickered, like an old tv. 

"You're right," Astrid repeated, "You're power isn't a miracle, it's a curse. You give those kids the worst thing imaginable. False hope." 

Lana stared, her body was bursting with alarm. Her throat shrunk, her stomach knotted, her fists clenched. Her entire being was shutting down. Her brain was complete radio silence. 

"You're not Astrid," Lana whispered. 

Astrid- her body laughed abruptly, making Lana jump. "Of course I'm not Astrid! Look at me!" 

Lana looked, she looked really hard, and it took a second for her brain to process what she was seeing. Astrid no longer stood there. Her hair went dark. Her face went gritty. Her hair became a tangled mess.