The Bucket List | Doyoung/Taeyong

Chapter 8: List Item Seven: Doyoung Falls in Love

Doyoung takes the semester off of school. He goes to therapy, spends his free time picking up old hobbies. He asks for voice lessons, starts trying to learn piano again. He cries a lot—in therapy with Dr. Cha, often, but mostly when he's alone in his room. Some days feel worse, but some are better. Better than he's been in a while, maybe ever.

He doesn't really try to explain the change to his parents. All they know is that he's actually, finally getting better. He's almost surprised to see them relieved. It's okay, though. Maybe he can work on his relationship with them once he fixes his relationship with himself. Or maybe not. He doesn't have to decide now.

Taeyong's around since he commutes to school, so Doyoung spends a lot of time with him, too. He can't help much with Taeyong's homework, but he's a pretty good proofreader, and Taeyong says he's good company, even on his bad days, so they have a system. On days when they're both free, they go back to the beach, even when it gets cold. They huddle under thick blankets and roast marshmallows, listening to the waves crash against the shore. Doyoung even tries one of Taeyong's burnt ones, and has to admit it's pretty good.

Somehow, Taeyong's parents coerce Doyoung's into having Christmas together. Something about not having relatives nearby, maybe, but Doyoung doesn't really pay attention to the reasoning. He helps his parents set up for dinner, making sure he and Taeyong get to sit next to each other.

For Christmas, Doyoung gets Taeyong some upgrades for his PC setup—a nicer, prettier keyboard and better lighting. Taeyong makes him come over the next day and help him set it up, delighted. Taeyong gives Doyoung a weighted blanket and a wonderful painting of their beach he did himself.

Doyoung goes back to school for the spring semester. He takes classes, has sessions with Dr. Cha on video call. If he pushes it, he could probably still graduate with the rest of his year, but he doesn't want to push it. He's been pushing it his whole life. Just this once, he's okay with going at his own speed.

And now that the fog of deep depression has cleared somewhat, and he's had a little practice being around people, he actually goes out sometimes, and he makes some friends. It's nothing like what he has with Taeyong, but he doesn't spend all his time alone anymore. Kun and Jaehyun and Jungwoo don't seem to mind his moods, and they think he's funny. Besides, Kun's really smart, and he always helps Doyoung on his homework, which is pretty nice. Maybe, Doyoung thinks, maybe being alive is alright after all.

Just because Doyoung's doing better doesn't mean that it's easy. He keeps a picture of him and his brother together in his room, and one day Jungwoo notices it and says, "Oh—oh my god, Doyoung, Gongmyung was your brother?" Because of course Jungwoo recognizes him—his face was all over the news for weeks. The whole university knows who Gongmyung was; the surprise is Doyoung's connection to him. "I'm so sorry," Jungwoo continues. "I shouldn't have said anything, and—oh, no..." He trails off helplessly when he realizes Doyoung's eyes have filled with tears.

But Doyoung gives him a brave smile, waving off his apology. "No, it's okay," he manages. "You're curious, it's okay. I'm okay."

Jungwoo sits down next to him, eyes big and worried. "Are you sure?"

Doyoung nods. "I am. I promise."

"Can I tell—Kun and Jaehyun?" Jungwoo asks. "Just so this—won't happen with them?"

Doyoung shakes his head. "I'll tell them," he says. "You guys are my friends. You should know."

And if Doyoung cries when he explains it to the other two, no one says anything. And if the next day, they surprise Doyoung with a pillow fort in Kun's room, a shitload of takeout, and a movie night "for no reason", Doyoung doesn't say anything, either. There's so much warmth in this—quiet, unspoken care, a mutual understanding. He rests his head on Jaehyun's shoulder, watching bright colors flash across the screen, and Jaehyun rests his head on top of Doyoung's head. Doyoung only wishes Taeyong could be here, too—not instead, but also. For once, he has something good to share.