The Good Side of Me

Chapter Three

Last night after I hung up with Anthony, I felt a pang of jealousy. It's evident how much his parents love him and how close his family is. I was laying in my empty bed when I heard the door open. I made my way downstairs, hoping it was my mother. Instead, I got greeted, surprisingly, by my father.

"Son," he said.

"Hi dad, where's mom?" I asked.

"I just got in the door, how the hell should I know?" He barked.

I turned to walk away because I just couldn't cope with it. My anxiety was through the roof, and I was craving for that feeling of control that I so desperately love.

"Blake?" He said, more sympathetically than usual.

"Yeah?" I said as I turned around, hoping maybe he'd ask me to sit down and have a conversation with him, catch up so to speak. I'm disappointed yet again.

"You look horrible, get Rosalita to make you some food," he said, walking up the stairs. I went into the kitchen, and I ate everything I could get my hands on. I couldn't possibly fit one more thing in my stomach and the regret I felt at that point was starting to stifle me.

I made my way into the bathroom. The tears came right away as I knelt down by the toilet. Why bother trying to get better if my own father doesn't even care if I live or die? I stuck my fingers down my throat and a sick wave of pleasure washed over me, rushing through my body like a drug. What the hell is wrong with me? Finally, I peeled myself off the bathroom floor. I made my way to my bedroom, took a quick shower and crawled into bed. I couldn't sleep so I just cried instead.

I must have eventually cried myself to sleep last night. When I wake up this morning I can feel the bags under my eyes. I drag myself up and decide to take a hot shower. I let the hot water hit my skin and the tears come again. I miss Anthony. How can you feel so full of life one day, and so empty the next? I never dreamt that a single person could have this sort of impact on me. I decide to pull myself together. I get out of the shower and throw on some clean clothes. Surely, my mother has to be home.

I walk downstairs and I can hear her on the phone. It sounds like its coming from the kitchen. Thank God, I need some comfort right now, and I know I'll always get that from her.

"Mom?" I say as I turn the corner into the kitchen.

"Yes, I know, I'll send those over right- I have to go," she says and hangs up on whoever she was talking to. "Blake? Sweetheart, what are you doing here?" She rushes over to me and wraps me in her arms. I could cry at the familiarity.

"He didn't tell you I was coming home? He made me come home for your birthday." Of course, he didn't tell her.

"Oh, no he didn't tell me. When did you get in? I was so tired last night when I got home, I didn't even realize," she says apologetically.

"I got in yesterday afternoon," I say. Her body stiffens and she pulls back from me, staring at me in horror. I know she's noticed my thinning body, now that the initial shock of seeing me has worn off. Her eyes wander to the sunken hollows where my cheeks should sit, round and full like they used to be.

"Blake, Jesus Christ. Have you been eating? You're emaciated." Concern floods her voice, and I am not in the mood for this right now. I knew it was coming, but that doesn't mean I want to deal with it.

"Mom, stop I'm fine," I say, more harshly than intended.

"Sit down, I'm making you breakfast. I'm calling your doctor and you're going to go and talk to him. I wish you would consider moving back home and being closer to us Blake," she says, and I sit down knowing there's no use in arguing with her. What my mother wants, she gets.

"Okay, you're being dramatic mom. I'll go see my doctor but I'm not moving home," I say with a sigh.

"I don't think I am Blake. You must have lost twenty pounds and you didn't have twenty pounds to spare. Why won't you move home? Is it because of someone special?" She asks, trying to lighten the mood.

My heart sinks. I wish I could tell her all about Anthony. The way he makes me laugh, the way simply laying my eyes on him even after only twenty minutes of being apart takes my breath away. I wish I could tell her how in love I am.