BETA MALE: FULL MOON LONELINESS - COMPLETED

Chapter 7. Water

"And even if I love you, even if I love you," he had said. Lorenzo's words were reverberating in my head. My man loved me like I loved him. But he had also killed his family. How was I going to handle this information now? My center had shifted and I had lost my balance. We didn't say much more to each other. I didn't want to know more. I wasn't able to grasp all of this. I didn't agree that I had to leave either, but I had no reason to debate this decision. The danger that Kramer represented to us, the danger that Lorenzo himself represented to me on a full moon, the constant attack of the wolves in my solitude, and the possibility that some soldier could find me after having deserted and getting sentenced to death, were reasons enough for anyone to understand that it was better for me to leave the cabin.

"You can't heal me," he told me that afternoon. "If there was a cure, I would have found it by now."

I wanted to contradict him, but I was running out of strength and wisdom to do so. After having dinner together, I took my uniform out of the canvas bag where Lorenzo had hidden it when I arrived at the cabin wounded. I held it in my hands and remembered how difficult it had been to make the decision to desert the war. I also remembered how difficult it was to survive in that jungle. I knew what awaited me if I returned the same way.

"You won't come back the same way," he told me. "I'll take you to town and won't leave until you're on your way to a safe place."

It was incredible. Sometimes it seemed as if Lorenzo was able to read my mind. But now I understand that we are simply connected souls.

That night we made love like animals again, like hungry animals in permanent heat and eternal love. His wounds had healed faster than I had expected. I was noticing that the effect of those plants was almost magical. I was his several times, and he was mine. We touched, we kissed, we bit, we ejaculated together, on and into each other. I promised that I would always love him, no matter where, when or how. He told me that if things depended only on him as a human, he would never let me leave his side.

I stayed up the whole night. If this was going to be the last time I was with the love of my life, I was going to take advantage of every second. I told him I loved him as many times as I could, and in the few moments we weren't making love, I licked and bit at his furry chest, armpits, and muscular legs as if I were satiating my hunger for the rest of my life.

"We have other options," I told him at dawn. He made a sign with his hand and gave me one of those intense looks that pierced my soul. He wanted me to say more. "When you are turned into wolves, pack hierarchy is one thing. But after the full moon, you don't have to obey Kramer. "

"When the moon wanes, even if we leave the jungle walking on two legs, we are still the same wolves and the hierarchy prevails," he explained.

"I could stay hidden then," I suggested.

"Patrick," he said, looking into my eyes, "when you look outside and see the solitude and immensity of the jungle, know that we are being watched all the time."

I took a deep breath. Was this true? Was I leaving Lorenzo's arms? I started to cry, and he cried with me. In a few hours, I would leave the cabin. He would take me to the closest military camp and tell them he found me wounded after combat less than a week ago, that he rescued me and that he was helping me return to the army. We would lie, as we were lying to ourselves and each other now, because we both knew we couldn't live without each other anymore.

After lunch, we made love, then we got ready and started our journey. I didn't say goodbye to the cabin, nor to the river, nor did I plan to say goodbye to Lorenzo. Something told me that this would not end here. I had come to that place for something, and I was coming back.

"None of the reasons you give me are enough," I insisted as we crossed another river that was on the way to town. My words also broke the silence that prevailed on our walk.

"If you don't leave, I'll end up killing you the same way I killed my family on a full moon. You have to understand," said Lorenzo, stopping in the middle of the river and raising his hands to his head in desperation.

"But you love me."

"I loved them too, and even then, I couldn't defend them from the beast inside me," he continued. "No matter how much you insist on ignoring the fact that I've told you the reason why I had to run away from the rest of my family and the world; my reason for hiding in this place and staying alone; what I'm telling you is the harsh reality. I can't live with anyone because whoever lives with me is in danger. Open your eyes, Patrick. One of the wolves that tries to get into the cabin to kill you during every full moon, is precisely me. We can't live together, Patrick. I don't want to kill you as well."

"I've read about werewolves. When you turn into a wolf, it's not you anymore. You didn't kill your family and you didn't attack me; it was the wolf," I refuted. "What you do during full moons is not your fault; stop blaming yourself."

"Although I don't remember everything I do on a full moon and even though I lose control of my actions at that time, that wolf and I are not two different creatures," he said then. "Don't take so many risks to be with me. Because in the past I would have done the same, but now after everything I've been through, maybe I wouldn't."

That last line felt like a low blow. If he wasn't willing to take the same risk I was, then I had no business in this jungle. Our destiny was to be away from each other. I approached him and put all our loads for the trip on some stones that were in the middle of the river. I undressed and I undressed him. We made love again there, in the water of that river. We ate each other's mouths; we had sex on the stones; we moaned together; we possessed each other's bodies in water up to our waists; and we declared our love to each other as many times as we could.

"I love you," I told him as I caressed the hairs on his chest, which by now were soaking wet.

"I love you and I will love you forever," he followed with his voice, which, although it was hoarse and deep, emanated nothing but sweetness.

"Do not come with me," I requested. We had said our final goodbyes by making love deep in the water of that river. Someway, I would go back and lie to the army, but on my own. I wasn't going to get him more involved in this. He insisted on coming with me, but I stopped him. He would go out through one of the river banks and I would go out through the other, and so, without looking back, we would go our separate ways alone. The river would witness our farewell, and in its waters, the untouchable memory of the days when we were happy together would remain alive eternally.

I didn't dry my body before getting dressed again. The water would wash away my pain, just as it was washing away my happiness. Lorenzo returned alone to the cabin. I did not look back and continued on my way. I burst into tears the moment I took the first step alone, but there was nothing left between us. Everything we had to say to each other had been said, and everything we had to live together had been lived. There was nothing to regret, and nothing else to hope for. At least that's what I thought at the time.