Safe Haven

Chapter Twenty - Matilda

I was conflicted.

On one hand, I knew I needed to comfort Cameron and let him know that what happened wasn't his fault. On the other hand, however, Ben was feeling just as guilty for predicting the accident and not stopping it. I was sure that's why he told Cameron. He couldn't do a thing without giving himself away in guilt.

And I couldn't stop thinking about how sad the entire situation was.

Oliver was so innocent and kind (well at least to Ben and me. His relationship with Cameron was more than complicated), and he was the last person to deserve what happened to him. He looked so scared in his last moments. The image was engraved on the back of my eyes, and the weird mix of sadness and pain I felt reminded me far too much of when my mother passed. Despite only knowing Oliver at a surface level, I was finding it hard to not feel so sad.

I guess I really just had too much time to think about it.

The decision on who to comfort was made for me come nightfall, when Cameron put himself to bed, and Ben stayed awake. I felt tired enough that I could have probably slept for a week, but I decided it was probably necessary to at least talk to Ben. Again.

I plopped down in front of him, on the hard, lumpy ground, probably further dirtying my already stained pants in the process, reaching out to find his hands in the growing darkness. They were trembling ever so slightly.

"You okay?" I asked. I knew the answer already, but I wasn't sure what else to say. Telling him it would be okay seemed fruitless and demanding. As if the first thing an upset person would want to hear is whether or not someone else believes they'll be okay. That wasn't for me to decide.

"No. Not really," he answered. A puff of air that could have been a sob or an uncomfortable laugh or a mix of both left his lips, and he sunk forwards into me. His forehead landed in my neck, wet tears already beginning to shower me. Together, we cried. The reasons were the same and different all at once. And the fact that he was having this inner turmoil just made me want to cry harder. "I really messed up," Ben whispered.

"No, no, you didn't," I assured him. His head lifted, probably looking at me with surprise. The fact that he hadn't expected me to understand was telling of how he really felt about himself.

"You don't hate me?" He asked. I shook my head quickly, and despite knowing he could probably feel the movement, I decided to elaborate just in case.

"Of course not. I know why you did what you did, and deep down, Cameron does too, he's just in pain right now. It hurts me too, but I know all you could think about was what happened before. You didn't cause that happening to Oliver." I wanted to make sure he understood that just because he'd seen the problem beforehand doesn't mean he caused it.

"But I could have prevented it..."

"But what would preventing it have done, Ben? We shouldn't mess with things we don't understand or can't predict. We can all play this "what if" game until it hurts. What if I had stepped in with the new weird power I have sooner? What if Cameron had a grip on his own power? What if you had used your own to stop him from ever getting shot in the first place? But we can't play that game. It's too damaging." It all came out as if I honestly had any idea what I was saying was true or helpful. It felt weird to say something as if I were the leader of the group that had to hold everything together.

"I know..."

I lifted my hands away from his and followed his chest up to his face. It was so dark that I could only see part of his eyes, and I didn't really think it would be romantic or at all comforting to accidentally poke them out. Gently, I cupped his cheeks with both hands, letting the warmth sink in through my fingertips. I realized quickly, thanks to Ben, that touch was most certainly my love language (a concept that had actually been explained to me by Ben late one night, though I still wasn't sure I understood it). The feeling of his skin on mine – any part of mine – was like food for my heart. It made it full, almost to the point of bursting. I felt his features for a moment: his deep cheekbones, the stubble that had been slowly growing over the course of our trip, the hint of what could possibly be a small scar of some sort on his cheek, and then his lips. His soft lips.

In the moment, something possessed me. A feeling bubbled up inside of me like a pot of soup boiling over, and I felt, for the first time in my entire life, the urge to kiss someone. My heart felt hungry for more and more touch, insatiable to the point of disregard the fact that my hands were already on him. Our lips met, and despite never kissing a single soul ever, I kissed Ben. It was tentative and weak, but I kissed Ben. My hands somehow had made their way into his hair, as if they had a mind of their own. But I couldn't think much about them when all that ran through my mind was making sure I was doing it right. Ben must have had a little bit more practice with this, because he seemed more coordinated. His lips guided mine, and soon I was (sort of) getting the hang of it. In all of an entire two minutes, I wasn't sure if I had been breathing at all.

I pulled away, eyes dropping downwards as I actually started to think clearly. Ben was completely silent, and I started to worry that maybe he didn't like the kiss. Or worse, maybe he hadn't wanted my advance at all, and I'd just forced myself onto him.

"Uhm... was that too much?" I asked, alarmed that I made a mistake.

"No!" He rushed out, sounding somewhat panicked. I wasn't sure if that was from my kiss or from my insecurity. "No, definitely not. That was perfect, Til." Relief coursed through me, and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Despite myself, I chuckled a little, maybe in disbelief that that just happened, or maybe a little bit in discomfort.

"I'm probably bad at kissing, huh?" I asked. Ben laughed, and I got the sense that I had asked him a question that was impossible to answer correctly.

"Well..." he started for lack of better words. "We'll practice."

I grinned. Practice was just what I needed.