Falling Short

Eight

"If you hate it so much then why are you here? Because sometimes, the buildings collapse, but the rubble keeps bleeding. Because sometimes, your body is the only thing you can carry with you. Because sometimes, the water is more inviting than where you stand."
- Emtithal Mahmoud.

It's 2 years into Noor's marriage and things have found an inevitable twist. True colours start to creep up on the people whom you didn't think had another shade. You look and wonder, how did I not notice these shadows of truths? You admit to yourself that maybe you might deserve it; that your terrible past has crept through to your present and manipulated your future. You realise that your mother was right all along; how your actions have consequences.

Noor's mother-in-law peers at her with distaste and repulsion. Being blamed for what God had willed, Noor was powerless in her gaze. "You're marriage to Salih was all bad luck. My husband died because of you," she'd whisper, an unknowing Salih smiling at the exchange, thinking it was all working out for him.

The family dinner was filled with cousins, aunties and uncles, feasting on traditional, expensive Lebanese food with expensive utensils. Noor sat numbly as the pieces of metal degraded her value with no effort, pointing at her past of simplicity. As Noor forced herself to grab a spoonful of food, relatives would scold her for not making enough food for Salih, and the list would go on.

As if things couldn't escalate in minutes, the sound of a vase breaking rings the ears of all, and eyes turn towards Noor for not keeping watch. The child's mother pushes her out of her chair and aggressively pulls her at her scarf. "You bring nothing but disaster to the table, you selfish and irresponsible brat!" And all would watch. All.

Later, when Noor would call her mother, sobbing in the bathroom and wishing to leave, her mother would merely brush away her tears as nothing but exaggeration, prioritising marriage over her mental health and dignity. "Be strong, habibty. You can survive these simple struggles. You have to deal with these in marriage life if you truly want to please your husband and your Lord." Little did she know that this was not what Islam had propagated, and sacrificing her health was not the sunnah the Prophet had taught his ummah. But there was no one to tell her that.

She had no one but Allah (swt) to put her trust in, and whilst she knew she could make it with this newly-found motivation, she knew she had to make a change in her life.

But not yet. Not now. Maybe things would get better on their own, she thought.

Later in the month, another dinner. Another one of those tension-filled environments and comments of degradation and dehumanisation. Yet, this time, there were more people, and less attention was paid to the attempted assault of Noor by Salih's brother, as he slid her into his bedroom and locked it. Yet again, her words were choked down, and her morals were stripped off by filthy hands roaming around her waist. Had it not been for Salih, she admits, she would've never been able to revive her modesty and worth as a woman who was already looked down upon.

Oh my Lord, now there is more slander about how I did damage to Salih's family, after incriminating one of his "innocent" family members for my own security.

What bad luck I am... tsk.