Idfkam (i dont fucking know anymore)

literally writing out of boredom lol

I'm just gonna rant and rant or smth at this point lol

Maybe some people wonder what my personal life is like now. I do Sh, not often because my mother took all the knives, though I do have scissors but anyways. We all can tell I don't feel happy from this book, I have so many quotes and poems in it. My mother made me get rid of tiktok to keep me out of anything depressing. But tiktok was my escape. Most of the time I don't feel real, like I'm just here, while others walk by, make fun memories with other friends. I mostly feel guilt. I feel guilt for being here. I feel I am a waste of space, and do everything wrong. It feels like every person I talk to, either irl or online will leave or ignore me, which I wouldn't blame them since my mental state wouldn't be good for theirs if they're in the same situation. Or I'm just plain boring apparently, which I'm usually not. I'll talk about horses, since I do trail riding, Books, places, people in a good way, or I'll be the friend therapist. Being the friend therapist, It puts more on me yes, but I want to try and help others, even if I don't know them irl, I would do about anything to help with anything. My mom says I can't do much to help, which I block her out, I know I can only do so much for someone, but I try anyway. I only have one friend that I mentioned in the last part, I feel we are growing apart. Even right now I'm having a fucking mental breakdown I think or panic attack, I've messaged them a few times, they haven't answered. So I sit here, and write this stupid thing because I don't know what to do with myself nor my life. I Haven't self harmed for a few days pretty sure, I don't keep track. I only self harm when I argue with my parents, them raising their voice makes me overwhelmed, because I hate crying, and it makes me wanna cry. I used to cry at night alot. It helped, but after a while I just couldn't. So I then tried sh, it distracted/distracts me from the emotional pain. It's almost like an addiction, I crave it so I don't cry. I don't think crying makes me weak, it just shows others I am not okay, but I don't want others to worry about me, they need to worry about themselves. I don't eat. Or well try not to, I'll have like 2 things a day maybe 3, but nothing more. Not to be skinny, but because it's like another addiction. At school I wouldn't eat anything until dinner at home, I did that alot and it became a routine ig. So I try not to eat at all. I don't sleep often. Sometimes my vision goes blurry because of it. But from trauma, I get too many flashbacks all at once, so I might sleep like 3 or 4 hrs, but no more than that. Only time I feel Happiness is while watching Justface or Catella. Favourite youtubers, they can't be replaced. And I also feel happy with the horse I ride, her name is kitkat. I know you might think "But she's just a horse" or "How does that work?" I don't blame you, that's what I thought at first. But when you find a horse that works with you very well, you and the horse are like a match, you'd understand. Horses feel what you feel, even if your mad or sad, happy or more emotions I can't name. When you're on a horse you love, cantering in a field or trail, you feel like you can just let everything go, for that one moment you can find peace, let everything go and feel free, of all the negativity, bad thoughts, suicidal thoughts or sh thoughts. 

I think I'll possibly update later, Idk.