The gnawing realization of being unloveable hits when you most expect it
When you're at your worst, whatever that looks like,
For me it's when I look at the pile of trash on my counters and floors
And feel every wrapper, plastic cup, straw on my chest keeping me from a deep breath
When the skin on my body feels like it's on wrong
When the numbness makes way to my crutch of anger
It's when you realize which emergency safety walls you have up
And realize you want to knock them down to feel the full extent of your anger and hurt
Because you finally accept you deserve every ounce of self hatred to reap the benefit of self pity
That's when your unloveable core looks you in the eyes and it clicks
It's why you're angry all the time
It's why after every conversation you mull over every single thing you said and movement you made and every micro mannerism made by the person you performed for
It's why you love watching romantic movies but stop before the couple gets back together after the fight
It's why when you actually do receive a compliment
It feels like a complaint
See because if you consciously thought that you were unloveable all the time
You would never leave your home again
So in your last self preservation attempt you find quick fixes for a drop of what you need
You drink a little too much so it's easier to trick yourself
You put your worth into a guy who thinks he's smart for manipulating you into doing what he wants
But really you offer your body for just a sweet lie
Because you can never get hurt when you know that you're leading the outcome
But when the coping mechanisms fail and the void of your heart expands
The only true comfort you receive
Is when you learn to love to hate yourself
And then you'll never be disappointed
