Fools, All of Them | HEEJAKEHOON

Fools Plus One

Jake plays it as a joke as much as he can. It's funny, hilarious even, that's what he says. If he is honest, it doesn't bother him being the only single one in the group. He doesn't mind being surrounded by couples, his friends who are happily in relationships. It's all good. He loves them a lot and is happy they are so in love and happy. Maybe he is a little jealous of their happiness, but that's normal. He wants what they have, too, and one day he'll have it. He knows this.

Yet, his heart aches every time he sees them together. He scolds himself; they aren't even doing much most of the time. It could be that they are holding hands, or staring fondly at the other. It is never much, but Jake feels like it's a lot and he yearns for it.

It's ten times worse when he sees Heeseung and Sunghoon together.

At first, it's fine. They are cute and shy and seem almost afraid to show affection in front of anyone. Jake supposes it's because of all the time they had to hide it. But then a couple of weeks pass and they start getting more comfortable. Hand holding, lying together, cuddling to sleep. It escalates a lot faster than Jake is prepared for; one day, he walks in on them making out, they notice him and decide it's okay if he's there. Apparently, kissing each other is more important. Well, everyone has heard them having sex a handful of times, so it makes sense that they become more shameless.

Jake is confused and annoyed with himself. Why does he have to feel the way he does? Why is it worse when it's them? He knows something is different about Heeseung and Sunghoon, and it's not just because they are the most open about their relationship. Jay and Jungwon could be quite shameless as well, but Jake never feels what he does when he sees Heeseung and Sunghoon. The feeling of loneliness and want is always there when he looks, even if he pretends he doesn't feel it. But with Heeseung and Sunghoon it's different.

Watching them still makes him feel lonely and envious, but there is something more. Something deep in him he wants to ignore at all costs. Because acknowledging it means accepting it, which means having to think about it. Constantly. And Jake, well, he's not good at keeping his feelings and thoughts to himself. If he is thinking about it all the time, there's no way the others won't notice.

Watching them be affectionate doesn't only make him want to have someone to do that with, he wants to have it with them.

Honestly, coming to that realisation is better than what he used to think. When he first realises he feels different towards them, he thinks he likes Heeseung. That thought terrified him more than anything else. He is a good friend, he can't like his best friend's boyfriend. He's always known Heeseung is attractive, objectively, it's a fact. That doesn't mean he could want to have him hug him and kiss his forehead. He has never allowed himself to think past forehead or cheek kisses, that would be even more wrong and less easy to dismiss on his part.

And it gets worse once he notices he can't stop himself from searching his touch. Leaning closer, trying to get Heeseung's attention. He feels disgusted with himself. It's worse because it seems like Heeseung doesn't realise his intentions and indulges him. He can't look at Sunghoon for the rest of the day every time something like that happens.

In contrast, when he notices that it's not just a Heeseung thing, that he doesn't just want his best friend's boyfriend but also his best friend, things get easier. Relatively easier, because he is still dying inside and feeling extremely guilty. But knowing he doesn't want to steal his friend's boyfriend, but wants to be in the relationship soothes his conscience a little. Even if only a little.

So, maybe he wants to kiss his best friend's boyfriend and his best friend. No one has to know.

He still feels bad for wanting them and enjoying their attention a bit more than what is platonically acceptable. He'll deal with it, eventually. At some point, he'll have to move on, he'll get a crush on someone else and then the guilt in him will die. Or so he hopes, at least. For the moment, he'll continue to unconsciously flirt with both of them and feeling like the worst person once he realises how it looks.