not sleeping shenanigans

Saturday. July 30th

I think Im the problem with everything. I'm so damn tired. I want to wash away all the pain with alcohol but I made promises not to. But fuck it's so hard to even exist. So many people always say they need time to themselves but I know damn well they need time away from me. Away from us. Am I that depressed to get piercings to feel something? We'll see tomorrow ig. I want a drink. I need a drink at this point. I wanna go home. And idk who tf is the one person reading these but hi? Whoever u are say hi back 🔪

I need to learn how to stop being myself nobody like how I am neither do I. Except Jackson. Jeez where do I start! Jackson if ur reading this hiiiiii
Jackson is a good person. He's amazing. He's like a little puppy to me lol. He's just amazing and I can't wait to see him. He's just amazing. Idk how else to say it but he's just the best guy. I'm gonna stop drinking and eating 🍃🍃 edibles if not for myself but for him. For him, Spencer and the system who treats me like their son and their friend. I must be so pathetic to these people for giving up so much. Ig that's how it is. But I'll try for those people.

How I feel rn is just can't be explained by my own words so here are someone else's words to explain how I feel

I saved every letter you wrote me
From the moment I read them
I knew you were mine
You said you were mine
I thought you were mine

Do you know what Angelica said
When we saw your first letter arrive?
She said, "Be careful with that one, love
"He will do what it takes to survive"

You and your words flooded my senses
Your sentences left me defenseless
You built me palaces out of paragraphs
You built cathedrals

I'm re-reading the letters you wrote me
I'm searching and scanning for answers in every line
For some kind of sign
And when you were mine

The world seemed to burn
Burn

You published the letters she wrote you
You told the whole world
How you brought this girl into our bed
In clearing your name
You have ruined our lives

Do you know what Angelica said
When she read what you'd done?
She said, "You've married an Icarus
"He has flown too close to the sun"

You and your words obsessed with your legacy
Your sentences border on senseless
And you are paranoid in every paragraph
How they perceive you
You, you, you!

I'm erasing myself from the narrative
Let future historians wonder how Eliza reacted
When you broke her heart
You have torn it all apart

I'm watching it burn
Watching it burn

The world has no right to my heart
The world has no place in our bed
They don't get to know what I said
I'm burning the memories
Burning the letters that might have redeemed you

You forfeit all rights to my heart
You forfeit the place in our bed
You'll sleep in your office instead
With only the memories of when you were mine

I hope that you burn

Did I write burns entire lyrics? Yes now stay mad.