Before I could Realize / Sanctuary

Chapter 3 | The Moon Pulls The Tides

I was walking home from school. I saw a bird moving on the sidewalk. I took a stick and I poked it. There was a deep hole in it and blood started to spill out. My eyes widened. Out of curiosity, I decided to squish it with my hands. I was scared but I was glad to put it out of its misery.

I came into the house. Mother looked at me weirdly. She kept staring at my hands which were dripping with blood. "That blood is not yours, I presume?" How does she know? I shook my head no. I looked at my hands but then when I had looked up again, the whole room turned into blood. I fell and I heard a thick splash from below me. I looked up at my mother with fear and confusion. Her eyes looked like it were filled with hatred. "You now know, don't you?" I rubbed my eyes thinking I was just dreaming but nothing had changed except for the fact mother had suddenly disappeared. Why was she like that? Was it a hallucination? The thought of it kept buzzing in my mind.

What is wrong with me?

I woke up again after what seemed to be a decade and
had seen that my mother had made me pasta and freshly poured ginger tea. There was also a pill beside the tea inside a wrapped up napkin. I ignored it and didn't take the pill.

We didn't have school every weekday. We only had school 3 times a week. It was nice that we didn't have the pressure of work on us kids. I was scared when I was home too, though. My mother told me when she was young, soldiers would barge into her friends' homes with no explanation. She was scared but was never targeted. She was born into a privileged family. It was because of the wealth and reputation of her family. When she was feeling blue, she would sit outside next to the ocean and dip her legs in as the moonlight shone heavily. She would hum sweet lullabies to herself to calm down even if her family were fighting inside. She would try to reach out for the moon. It looked so close but in reality, it was so far away.

It was her dream. Something she knew she could never reach.

I had a journal. It was very close to me. I wanted to write all my thoughts on paper. It was like a getaway from reality. I always had these strange visions, strange smells, strange feelings. I can't control myself. I have the urge to do something but I didn't know what it was. It hurt holding it back.

I go to the study room. The study room is where it started and where I never continued. I began writing. I move the quill delicately as I hear my father whisper in my ear. I don't know what he said but it sounded harsh. I drop the quill which had drenched ink all over my arm and thigh. I look behind me but there's no one there. I then look back at my skin to rub off the ink but it doesn't come off. The contrast between my complexion and the ink stands out. As I try rubbing the ink off, I see the ink turning into a dark red colour. I back my hand away as far as possible and run to the washroom to rub off the 'blood'.

Blood. Why does it remind me of something? I can't quite get it in my mind and it's unsatisfying not knowing what it is. I keep rubbing my hand, harder and harder. My skin turns into this unhealthy reddish-blue colour. At least I got the ink off. This time, I go take a bath. I dip my whole body in until the bottoms of my hair are a wet dark blonde. I try to relax for a bit but that relaxation is stopped when I hear a quiet song. I get scared so I go deeper into the bathtub.

"Mmm, Hmm, Ahh. Little naïve girl, why does she run? I'm just warning you to hide, no need to bring out a gun."

Chills go down my spine even though I'm bathing in hot, steamy water. I stop to listen to the song but I don't hear anything anymore. Again, I sigh and look at myself in the reflection of the water.

I close my eyes. I try to relax. "Angelica, are you there?" I hear my mother through the door as she knocks. "Mother?" I respond. My mother sighs in relief. "Angelica, I want you to be careful." I lift myself up from the water. "What could you possibly mean, mother?" "Listen, Angelica, I don't have-" She gets cut off as I hear someone talking to her. I can't hear them because it sounds muffled. Her muffling suddenly stops as I got closer to the door, drying myself off.

"Angelica, they're taking young males to train in the military. I want you to tell every boy at school tomorrow." She sounded like she was rushing to say that. What? I reach for the handle and I hear my mom struggling through the door. "Get your hands, OFF ME!" She shouted. The muffling then stopped. I open the door to see no one there. Nothing, just the study room. I get my uniform ready for the next day and brush out my wet hair. I look at the study bed next to the bookshelves. The bracelet. I lift it and inspect it very closely. Gold-plated, silver markings on some places; it's beautiful. I don't realize that I feel a smile creeping up on my face. Oskar Hansen, what such strange boy. I smile. I slide on the bracelet. I then start to frown. 'They're taking young males to train in the military.' Will Oskar be okay?

I stroll down the hallways of school nonchalantly as I see Oskar walking towards me. He smiles. He looks down at my wrist. "I see you have not forgotten it today." I smile back but then remember what my mother said. "Oskar, could I speak to you in private, please?" "Of course, anything." he responds. I pull him aside away from the entrance of the school and look around to make sure no one is eavesdropping. "Oskar...you are in great danger. My mother has told me the military are taking males of our age for war." He shoots me a confused look. "What do you mean? There's no way the military can take us boys this young for war. You're not serious, are you?"

I take him by the hands and intently stare at his dark blue eyes to let him know I'm not messing with him. He also stares into my eyes. "I'm being serious, Oskar. I need you to tell your friends and family about this. Why would I lie to you?" He starts to slightly frown. I look around once more to see more students entering the building and looking at us. Oskar hesitates for a seconds and replied with, "Ok, I will take your word. I will tell my friends." He frowns as he slides his fingers down my frowning lips. "...Do not be so concerned for me, be more concerned for yourself. I worry about you a lot, okay? Please be safe, Angel." He holds me by the side of my face and kisses my forehead. I could see more and more student's eyes on us.

We then walk away from where we were in separate directions. He waves me bye.

I walk down the halls of the school. I hear kids whispering all around me yet I don't see anyone's mouth moving. It progressively gets louder and louder with every step I take. I lower my eyes and cover my ears. "Angelica," I hear someone say my name loud and clear. I turn to look behind me to check. There is no one. My heart races faster. I continue to walk but faster. I shut my eyes. This time I run with my eyes closed. "BAM!" I bump into someone. I look up. They looked like a girl with short dirty-blonde hair and hazel eyes.

"Oh no, I deeply apologize," I say. I get up and offer my hand to them. After rubbing their forehead, they look up. It's a boy? "No, I am sorry. I should have said something before bumping into you. He takes my hand and gets up. I would be lying if I said he didn't look so beautiful and...ethereal. "Well, what might be your name?" He asks. "My name is Angelica. What might be yours?" I ask. "My name is Ïvan Orkovisch." We stand there for a while. "A pleasure meeting you, Angelica." He kisses my hand, smiles, and then walks away. I blush in a fluster. Who is that boy? That was very unexpected but I didn't think much of it.

"Mother! Mother!" I shout for my mother. I want to tell her about the boy I met at school. I look around the house. I cannot find her. Where is she? "Angelica?" Mother says my name. I turn around. It's mother. "There was this boy I met at school. He was very pretty and I even mistook him as a girl!"

"Oh really? Tell me all about this 'pretty boy'." We sit on the couch. "He has long dirty-blonde hair with bangs sort of covering his eyes. He has big round hazel eyes. And also, he's totally a gentleman. I bumped into him yet he was the one who apologized!"

"..What's his name?" Mother asks. I tap my chin. "I think his name was Ïvan," I answer." Mother gets up. "Mother?" I call. "Don't speak of that boy again." With a disturbed face, she walks away. "What?" I ask. Is there something I don't know?" I stare at her in confusion. "Mother?" I ask again. She left the room.

I frown in confusion.

That night I lied in bed staring up at the ceiling. Why does mother not like Ïvan? I shut my eyes as the candle on my desk burns out. I can't help but picture Ïvan's face in my mind. Something about him was, haunting; but in a good way. His fluttery eyes and soft hair. He was one of those stone statues at a renaissance art museum. I fell fast asleep.

I open my eyes and yawn. I go down the hallway when I am surprised by someone. "Angel!" Oskar shout out my name. I gasped in fright. "Oskar? What are you doing here?" I asked him. "I came to see you, of course." He smiled. In his hands, he carried a basket. "I also brought some food for the both of us." He smiled even more in delight as he saw me smile.