Pieces of me

Chapter 3

"I'm so sorry, Jen... but I think this is a bad idea...", she heard him say.

She looked ad him, and her heart started to ache as she saw the determination on his face, which did not really make sense to her. Confused, she began to mutter:

"But... I... okay, I MAY have drunk a bit more than I shoud have, but I can ensure you that you are not taking advantage of me... I mean..."

He took her hands in his and lead her over to the bed and motioned her to sit down with him at the foot end, which she was thankfull for, because she felt as if someone had pulled on the carpet below her feet to tear it away from under her. He pressed her hands firmly and looked at her with pain in his eyes, then he explained:

"This is not what I meant... I was not referring to tonight. Look, you have been through hell in the past months, and I'm not sure how far on the way back you exactly are right now. And I am so, so sorry for the fact that you had to endure all of this, you sure as hell deserved none of it... nobody in this world does really. I can't even imagine the pain you experienced... And I am SO, SO sorry that I wasn't there for you, that I wasn't by your side through all of this like a true friend should be. But you have to understand... I did not do this out of spite, or because I did not want to... I would have been PHYSICALLY unable to..."

She felt her eyes sting with tears... all the guilt for her wrong choices coming back at her at once. He saw it, and pressed her hands even more firmly, as if to make sure that she would listen to what he was going to say next.

"And please, PLEASE don't feel guilty over this. I made so many mistakes over those years, too, that must have hurt you. I am just saying this because I need to say it and because I need you to understand... When we lay in my bed that night, making all those plans and saying all those things, I did that in total faith that this was going to happen. I really believed it. And even though I knew there would be a few dark and difficult months, maybe even years of secrecy, I was SO sure it would all be good... because there was nothing that I wanted more in my life..."

WAS... she tought... he was talking PAST tense... she nodded her head. She was beginning to understand.

"And those months between that night and when we all finally got back together in May for the farewell interviews... I could not WAIT to see you again, I missed you like crazy. Even though I of course knew that nothing really could happen... I was just happy to see you again. And then you came and told me that you made up your mind and this was not going to happen... It was as if you ripped my heart from my chest..."

Another huge wave of guilt washed over her. She SHOULD have told him why she did this, she should have confided in him... but it simply felt wrong at the time. And she thought she was doing what ultimately was best for him. She could not let him become a part of this. But now she realized her lack of openness had done even more damage than she thought...

He took a deep breath before he continued: "I know you sure had your reasons for it and I don't think now is the time to dive deeper into this. But I could barely hold it together in those interviews, which I'm sure you know, and after that... I felt I just had to get away from all of this, away from you, to even be able to SURVIVE... I have been a struggle bus for the past year... and then hearing that in the end it was all for nothing... that your marriage fell apart anyway... god that just added to it. I know that all of this has been a million times harder for you than it was for me, believe me, but I need you to understand this... I care about you more than I care about anyone else on this planet..."

She gulped down the tears that were trying to escape her eyes because she knew that after everything she put him through, he deserved to say what he had to say, even if it hurt like hell. This was part of their healing process. During the course of the evening she have become well aware of why she had come to London. It was to come clean. To make things right. To get a fresh start, if that was what he wanted, too. As THEM. Finally. He was the one she wanted and the one she always would want. Plain and simple. So she looked down at her hands, fighting back tears to let him finish. Even if she did not want to hear it, she owed him that much.

"... but I know that you are scarred right now, more scarred than you probably realize. I know that you feel lonely and that you are in pain and that all you want is a shoulder to lean on, someone you can trust and who makes you feel loved, who gives you comfort. And you have no idea how much I wish I could be that guy, the one who gives you all of that..."

She kept her eyes foussed in their joint hands in her lap, but stopped fighting the tears. She knew where this was going. Soon, she felt a hot tear run over her nose and drip from the tip down in the back of her hand. She took a shaky breath to brace herself for the rejection that was coming her way.

"... but I also have to look out for myself. I am barely standing. If this didnt work out, I know it would kill me. And I think with all those unhealed wounds it's just... I don't think its a good idea to even try this now.. because it would only get both of us hurt at this point... I'm so sorry!"

She felt something within herself break, probably beyond repair this time. She had tried to do the right thing and lost the person she now knew she was always supposed to be with, only because she had been to scared to be honest. Hoping there would be another chance. But as it turned out, sometimes things like this did NOT happen. She knew what he was going to say next, that he would always be there for her as a friend. That this was all he could ultimately offer her. But she did not want to hear this. She wanted to be alone. So that she could let her tears run freely without adding to his guilt. He had every right to make this decision. She had missed her chance. She took a shaky breath, then slowly started to speak:

"Thank you for your honesty, that's all I could have asked for. Can I ask you to leave now?"

His grip in her hands tightened once more and he pulled them towards him, trying to make her look at him. But she simply couldn't.

"Jen, I think you didn't understand, what I meant was... please... listen to me."

"I heard you loud and clear David. And I understand. Could you please stop talking and just go? I need to be alone."

He took a deep breath, then let go of her hands. He got up, put his hand on her neck and kissed her hair.

"You have my number. Call me when you are ready."

Then he quietly made his way to the door, opened it and slipped out.

As soon as she heard the low thud of the door shutting behind him, she lost it. With a loud wimper she collapsed on the bed. She had been trying to do the right thing, keeping up the sharade with Brad for long enough to make HIM deconstruct himself in the public eye, like she was advised to. She had taken all the shit that followed, she had tried to shield the man she loved from all of this... and she never even got the chance to explain herself. She knew that there had been a possibility of this happening, that she was coming too late, but she had hoped it would not come to this.

But she knew that she would have to accept this. She had caused him too much pain to ever trust her with his heart again, and she was not going to force herself on him. That wasn't who she was, who they were. She wasn' sure if she would be able to ever be fully content with just his friendship, but maybe now was not the time to decide this. Now was the time to mourn a lost love.

And mourn she did, she cried for hours until her teard finally subsided and her exhaustion forced her to finally fall asleep.

"The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain"

- Jennifer Aniston

AN: I know this is devastating... But have a little faith in me..