The Tales of Cannet (or the stupidest account of this story you will ever read)

Preface - What You're About To Read Isn't Reflective of Us

Hello and good morning. What you are about to read is not reflective of the parties mentioned in this book. We are arguably much nicer in real life than what you will see in this book. In fact, we have made the two boys (who caused this whole mess in the first place) apologize to the public and do their community service hours. So, when you read this account of the story, just remember: Sea Gulch Military Academy was the victim, not the perpetrator in this mess.

Sea Gulch Military School is a private academy located exactly 100 miles north of where you are sitting right now. It is surrounded by desolate forests, a narrow highway running around it, as well as the small town of Cannet (population 52). Cannet is known for its special ingredients for making its blackberry cobblers, and its assortment of charming, small-town people. Cannet residents flock to church on Sundays, praise the Lord, and then all go out to the Aloha Bar to talk and spend more time with one another.

That's why Sea Gulch Military Academy is in the perfect spot to help your sons succeed. We teach the subjects that your boys rarely get taught in school: ethics, honor, responsibility, and a healthy moral character. We also teach them the values of leadership, as well as developing their STEAM skills. You will see a change in their attitude when you come to visit them. Sea Gulch (despite what you might be told from this book) is not a place full of violence and ambiguity.

After you read this book, discuss with your children that Sea Gulch is not a dangerous place. It was perpetuated in the media. Have a lesson with your child about the dangers of the media at a young age. Should one of your "young stinkers" try to defy this idea of thought, you should consider calling us. Our number is 773-544-2921, and you can find us online. Or, why not come to Cannet and take a lovely tour of it yourself?

With that being said, be careful of what you are about to read. Sea Gulch is not responsible for any behaviors that occur in readers before, during, and after completing this book. If you experience any signs of a fever from reading (or even hearing) the characters in this book, please contact the authorities (The boys are still cleaning up the mess they made).

Thank you for reading our warnings in advance. We hope we will see you again in the future.

- Sea Gulch Military Academy Principal, Mr. T.C. Becker
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All characters and situations in this story are completely fictional. None of this actually happened in real life. Because of this stupid book, you shouldn't be viewing this anyways. Go read another book. Take a shower. Do something of value.

You're still here? Fine, I guess you really want to know what happened. Before your brain cells are lost, now is the last opportunity to turn back. Alright? Alright.

My name is Brian. I'm not supposed to be writing here, but you've got everything all wrong. And I'm adding my own brief preface.

Listen, back then we were all dumb. But people can grow, and change, and even become better than they were. Sometimes you can be completely wrong about a person, and other times you're completely right. I guess we're all useless turds floating in life's shithole. What I mean is...this account shows me as an asshole. WHICH I AM NOT.

I've lost a lot and gained a lot. I just hope you all realize what I might've done was wrong and stupid. We're sorry.

Now read the book before it gets taken by some young kid, who'll stick a page up his nose. Or a geezer who doesn't understand culture.

- Brian