Liars Garden

Chapter 13

Friday I didn't go to school. I watched Chris get on the bus through my window. Mom was moving downstairs for a few hours before I watched her crawl into the family car and leave. Panic fluttered in my chest but I swallowed it. Everyone will be back. I wasn't alone.

I sat on my bed and opened my laptop. Yeah, I just had to distract myself till mom came home and let me out. I stared at the screen. My mind was blank. What was I going to do on this ancient piece of shit? Play games I guess but I didn't have any. Chris had some downstairs. I opened Facebook and scrolled. I didn't have many friends in my list. Just a my grandpa who died three years ago and a few distant friends from middle school. And Hanna.

For some reason I opened the chat window between Hanna and me. I winced at my last messages to her.

Why am I such a bitch?

Maybe I do need help.

I found my way to my door and gave it a good shove. Nothing. I kicked it. Still nothing but a sore toe. Knowing no one was home I banged on it as hard as I could, tears stinging my eyes. I screamed.

"You bitch!"

It felt good to say. I yelled and kicked till I felt too sore to continue. It felt like hours before I dragged myself back up onto my bed. The screen to my laptop woke up and switched on when I jostled it. Hanna's chat bubble was still there. She wasn't on. Of course, school was still in session.

What if I just...

I'm sorry for being a jerk. I have a lot going on and I can't talk about it.

Send.

Leslie left and I don't know what to do.

Send.

My mom is a real piece of work. She's a controlling bitch.

Send.

There's a lot I can't talk about. I just can't. I'm sorry. I need help...

I hesitated before hitting send. I back spaced over the last sentence and let it go. I had to slam my laptop shut so I would stop messaging. My brain just wanted me to spill everything. It felt good to talk. That's why I can't do it. I should never tell anyone.

The truth was worse.

Leslie didn't even know the full truth.

Only me and mom did.

But I was a child and promised never to tell because that's what a little girl would do if her mother asked her to. Did promises made as a child still count if you were an adult now? I curled up on my bed, wondering this. Did it still count?

Could you even tell a child never to speak?

Would a mother ask you to never tell if something bad happened?

Tears spilled out of my eyes. For years I have held a secret and itw as threatening to change my entire life. It always had. All it would take was a few words. How was I able to hold onto this for so long?

 I didn't want to loose everything.

Could I still take the fall now that I was eighteen?

Even if it wasn't my fault?