Min's Journal

May 15th

           Sometimes I just spend hours in front of my tv watching something that is a complete waste of time. Half the time I'm not even concentrating on what's going on in the screen, just replaying memories from as far as I can remember in my head. Sometimes I think about the future; what I would be doing; what kind of people would I be surrounded with...I would paint bright pictures of the future I assumed and imagined. In these pictures I was popular, everyone liked me and... I had this one friend that was like the final puzzle piece to my heart. In other words everything I didn't have right now: a hopeless escape from reality, a fever dream.
      
                      I was having one of these episodes today when after a few hours passed, it just hit me.

"How many hours of my life have I wasted in this way?"

It just created a void in my chest.

Trying to escape from reality instead of facing it is never a good thing. It'll never end well..infact its probably the reason I'm like this. And it hurts because I want to change but because of habits like the one I've spoken about, I probably never will.
     This horrendous habit of mine probably roots from my childhood. I don't want to badmouth my parents and even if its just to say it out loud: they loved me. But they were strict and I just didn't understand their way of showing it. When I got sick as a child, I would often imagine characters from storybooks I read or from cartoons getting worried for me or encouraging me to get well. And this soon led to building happy memories that never really happened or will happen. Happiness became a pill when I sat infront of that screen. And you could say I got addicted as well. But as the years flew by I slowly reduced the amount of time I spent infront of it. Eventually I even came to a certain period of time where I completely stopped taking these "pills". Yet due to certain situations I had to face recently, I've been inducing in these "pills" again.

                                         I'm going to stop and I'm going to change.

This one thought rolled in my head until I layed on the floor and fell asleep. And then I woke up and made myself a cup of coffee. While sipping on it I thought of all the ways I could change for the better. I have to say a lot of ideas came to mind; socializing, contributing to my health by exercising, trying to get more confidence and to use my brain for other purposes than studying and melting it. Maybe start caring about what I wear outside. And I will start all of this tomorrow. I'll make those memories came true instead of letting it wither away till there's nothing left.