My last book was more focused on "coquette" and more of a guide this is more like an actual diary. This is just things that didn't make sense to put in that book.
This is basically whatever I want it to be. Mostly about my aesthetic but overall just...
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8.4.22 Serious topic today, but a relatable one. This year was my 2nd year of high school. And I tried so hard to be different. To not let my trust issues get to me. I tried to make new friends, not judge people, give people 2nd chances. Etc.
I tried to repair an old friendship. Which totally ended up backfiring on me. The friend, I will call E, I knew her since elementary school. And in middle school I found out she was mentally ill. And I also found out she had tried to kill herself. And I dropped her. Which is messed up. But I think I said this before. Middle school was a super hard time for me. So much was going on. And that was like the straw that broke the camels back. But this year I thought she got better so I became her friend again.
To make a long story short. I spent the whole school year trying to help E. Me and all the other new friends I had made. Everyday somehow E found a problem that we had to solve. And everyday she made it about her. I found out later on she was not taking her meds so that's why she was so.... Hard to deal with.
My point is all the friendships I had this year had problems I had to solve for some reason. Or they were just one sided where I was trying so hard to talk to them and hang out and the other didn't care. But if it was godforbid the opposite. And I had a problem or I got emotional or hard to deal with. Nobody really seemed to care. They usually just made it a joke or brushed it off. They never took me seriously. I mean every conversation they criticized me. And they would just make fun of me for basically being myself. The joke with me is always how I'm girly and like older men/teachers. Which I'm fine with I like making fun of people I love. I do jokes like that to them as well. But I started to notice the more I opened up to them about personal shit they would make it a joke or throw it back at me randomly. Kind of like this iconic scene in clueless.
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But shit like that where it's like, I told you that because I thought we were friends???
Which was fine until the actual drama happened that made me not wanna talk to them any more. So it started in a fucking group chat. Which to this day I hate group chats cause it always starts drama. But anyway another friend M, who I have shared a lot of personal stuff to and she has told me a lot of stuff to as well. Told me that E was talking about me in the group chat saying that I was "talking shit" about her. Which again I have done nothing but baby this girl. So I was very curious to see when I'm the world I was "talking shit" about her. So I go on the group chat. And she basically keeps accusing me of this. And I told her straight up nobody is that obsessed with you to be talking shit about you. I have my own life ya know.
And I guess that frustrated her and she then said that M. (Which is the friend I am closest with because I tell her a lot of my secrets). Said would come over to E's house and talking about me saying that I was a "spoiled brat". And I just wrote "😂 that's a compliment to me, whatever"
Now let me get this straight. I adopted I new personality and style this school year. Because I finally found out my aesthetic. So spoiled brat was on brand. But its something I'd think only in movie someone would call me. Not real life???
And I asked M if this was true. And she said yea. And that I looked like I was gonna be like a stuck up bitch. But obviously she learned I wasn't.
And it did hurt because M didn't even know me. Yes at the time we met I had a lot of money and was super spoiled. But for her to purposely go over to E's house to talk about me. And maybe she went over to E take ask if I was a bitch. (Which I wasn't). But the fact that E, my supposed childhood bff. To sit there and agree with her instead of defending me. Shows that she never fucking liked me from the beginning. And I soon found out everyone felt this way about me before we started talking to me. But it makes since. Cause I remember that when I first met M and was first talking to E again. They always made me the butt of the joke and were just super fucking mean to me. For no reason. And I confronted E and I told her I will drop their asses if they continue to do this. Because I'm good at ghosting people.
But I found out that they were actually all jealous of me and that's why all the nitpicking trying to break my already broken self esteem.
