Pain Is Hard (Zolu)

Pretending

The wind was howling but not loud enough to hide the soft sobs coming from a lonely corner of the Thousand Sunny. The air carried a slight chill that stung the soft skin of the boy whose face is stained with tears. This was usual at this time of night. A certain captain would find himself crunched over, hugging his knees, letting all the emotions he tries desperately to hide in the daytime run rampant. There was no one to hide them from in the middle of the night.

This only happens when this burden gets too heavy to carry, when the nightmares become too much, when it's too hard to act as if nothing's wrong, to put a smile on his face and pretend to be his old self. That's when, in the dead of the night he allows himself to cry, to fall deep into self-hatred while hiding in the dark of the night in a far, out-of-the-way corner of the big ship. Safe from the view of his friends, from them being consumed with the burden of pain that has nothing to do with them, from them worrying about him. He wished that these relentless feelings would leave him alone but they were digging deep inside him, their roots twisting and latching onto everything and anything to stay with him longer, to drag him down.

He barely gets to sleep anymore and if sleep does find him it brings torturous, pain-inflicting nightmares, nightmares of the war, of how weak he is, and the blood staining his hands... But this dream didn't end with sleep as even when he's wide awake he can't look at his hands, hands that let his brother slip away.

The only thing he found some comfort in was listing to the calming waves of the ocean and the endless stars as he sat in his own stagnant sadness. Allowing the depressing thoughts to consume him for this is what he deserved, hoping that they will just swallow him up, ending this pain, this suffering that he can't escape from.

The wind that seemed to haunt his ship this night was a wind that brought back memories, memories of his brother. Back then the wind was howling loud and clear bringing a chill as three boys hid under their blankets trying to scare each other with scary stories.

Sabo was telling a particularly scary one, "and then out of nowhere the Lizardman..." Luffy clung tightly to his pole, trying to be brave and tough in front of his big brothers.

"Are you scared, Luffy?" Ace questioned, ready to poke fun at his younger brother. Though he, himself was terrified as well but he's trying desperately to hide that fact.

"You're scared to Ace, hahaha," Sabo falls backward as he clasps his stomach in laughter, "I guess I win the scary story competition." He continues to giggle at his brothers that have grown a nice shade of embarrassment.

"I'm not scared! You haven't won anything yet!" Ace tries to protect his pride.

"I'm not either! It wasn't scary!" Luffy shouts, also defending his pride as a small pout starts to form on his lips.

Everything seemed to go quiet but not for long as the sky decided to growl angrily, it felt as if it almost shook the ground. The boys quickly huddle under the blankets once again, this time much closer together. They sat in an intense silence until they all broke out in laughter, having the time of their lives in each other's company.

Breaking Luffy from memories that should be happy if he wasn't the only one left out of the trio, was a subtle disturbance next to him. A green-haired swordsman had sat down next to his captain.

No words were said between the two as Luffy slowly leaned into his sturdy right-hand man's side, wanting the heat of another person, the solace in their warmth. Salty droplets started to slowly trickle down Zoro's arm before he moved it to bring Luffy closer to him, closer to his warmth, hoping to bring ease.

With his arm encircling his fragile captain, his free hand reached for a rubbery one, interlocking fingers. There wasn't much he could do for his captain, he knew that but at the very least he wanted to be someone that could hold his hand, be strong for him, and just listen to his words, his thoughts, his feelings.

Out of the silence that seemed to surround them small words were said, "I'm sorry," they sounded as if there was something to be ashamed of, something that should be hidden.

"Don't apologize. You should just rely on us more, rely on me more. I want to help you, we all do. I know that that smile you put on isn't genuine, it hasn't been for a long time now. I know you try to hide it from us... but we all love you, so we notice the differences." Luffy buries his head into Zoro's chest as his tears start to leak a little more viciously with each of Zoro's words. His shirt scrunched where Luffy's fingers clung, gripping it tightly.

Zoro continued to softly speak, "like how you're always there for us, don't push us away when it's your turn for us to save you."

"I know, but..." Luffy had no words. He didn't want to encumber his crew with this, with these emotions, this pain that's eating at him, pain that's going to devour his being. It was his fault for all this, if only he was stronger then Ace would be alive and these corrupting emotions would have no place to belong.

"You don't have to start with everyone, at the very least talk to me, depend on me, use me, I'm here for you." You could hear his concern and deepening worry flow through his voice as it softly danced in the air. "When you can't sleep... You can always find me," Zoro knows that his words won't fix him, won't make him better, but he wanted to let Luffy know that he's not alone.

Luffy only nodded in response as he felt Zoro's hand start to draw circles on his back through his shirt, it was calming, causing slight serenity to traverse his body.

Zoro slowly traced circles onto Luffy's back hoping to calm him a bit, wishing he could take this unbearable pain away from his captain. The once bustling wind had now come to barely a whisper allowing for Luffy's quiet words to be heard, "I was... He was in my arms... I let him... Let him die. I'm weak and pathetic... I betrayed him." His words trailed off as his cries became silent sobs and his breathing was becoming even, soon he was asleep in Zoro's arms feeling safe from the inevitable nightmares bound to happen.

"Well, it was a start. That's more than you've ever said, thank you," Zoro whispered, moving a gentle finger to Luffy's forehead to brush a stray strand of hair that was slightly tickling his neck away.

Zoro stayed leaning against the wall, holding Luffy tight, not wanting him to feel alone in his tireless sleep.

Soon the sun was breaking dawn, washing the stars away for another night. Zoro had fallen asleep long ago when the moon was high. Laying down on a hardwood deck with Luffy still in his arms he starts to stir from the piercing rays of the sun.

Zoro could feel a silent stare almost burn through him, opening his eyes slowly to find a wide-awake Luffy looking at him. Moving an arm that's resting on Luffy's side to pull the small captain closer, "How was your sleep?" Zoro asked gently, probably knowing the answer.

"Thank you, Zoro," soft lips met the swordsmen for a brief kiss before Luffy got up, leaving Zoro without an answer.

"Sanji! When's breakfast?" His mask once again covers his face, hiding his bruises, his scars from view.

Zoro soon trailed after toward the kitchen where the food was probably already being cooked by their ever-so-punctual chef. Just as he's about to make his way through the door where delicious food was wafting from, a gorgeous navigator pulls him to the side.

"How... How is he?"

"Not in good shape... He... It's like... It's frustrating seeing him like that! I want to help, I want him to let me help, let me in..."

She tucks a strand of long hair behind her ear, "I know what you mean. Baby steps, we'll get there, a little at a time." Nami said words that carried comfort with them putting a little ease into Zoro's stiff body.

"I'm just not used to seeing that face of his, that face that screams pain. I want to see that blinding smile... With all his teeth showing, how he used to be..." But Zoro knows, knows that it will never be the same as back then, that mask of his may fall and shatter but the face underneath will always be changed, forever different.