The Fade of the Mimosas

Baby Blues and Gym Dates

January 21st, 2019

For the last nine months, I have carried the most precious baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I was only one day late. It was such a shot in the dark. But sure enough, there were two lines on the stick. I remember the first day that I saw him on the ultrasound and felt the ultimate power of growth within my womb. The ultrasound tech scanned over every part that she could see, showing me every small detail from the soft fuzz of hair on his head, to the ten tiny fingernails, to the tiny little tummy that had not formed completely yet. I was in such awe that he was growing inside of me. I felt so lucky to call him mine. To call him half of me and half of his papa, Eli. I knew from that very moment that there would be so much love surrounding him, whether it came from me or from his papa. I remember feeling so happy. Joshua Karter was born on January 19th, 2019 at 11:40 PM, weighing 8lbs 1oz, and coming it at 18 ½ inches. My sweet Joshua. He is everything that I didn't know that I needed. His soft cooing fills my heart and reminds me of the rawness that I am feeling. Ya, I might be oozing blood out of my vagina (why the hell didn't anyone ever tell me that happened?), and my breasts leak every time he cries, but God, is it worth it.

Eli is doing a phenomenal job with this transition into parenthood. I mean much better than me. I see him, how he is able to calm Joshua down with just a single lyric from his favorite song –

"Here comes the Sun, doo-doo-doo-doo, Here comes the Sun and I say, It's all right"

Today, I watched him from our bedroom. As the sun streamed in, snow coincidently pouring down by the buckets, it framed this perfect image of my two boys. I recognized peace and love, so much love. Eli gently rocking Joshua, and Joshua dozing in and out of sleep. I chose at that moment, that that memory would be mine until the end of time. Even when Eli and I were old and gray, rocking in a chair, and our four children would come to visit us, I would come back to January 21st, 2019 and remember the still image of them both.

But something is distracting me at the same time. I feel a pull on my heart in a way that is different than I have ever experienced. I have been trying to put my finger on the emotion. I even looked it up on doctor google... Baby Blues? What the fuck is baby blues?

"Sadness or moodiness after having a baby?"

Okay... I mean I guess that kind of sounds like me? I did just have Josh two days ago, and I am already looking ahead to the next step instead of savoring this very moment. Typical Harbor.

I don't want to discredit my feelings though. That is why I decided to start this journal. I needed to write this out, to validate that I wasn't going crazy, and maybe I can read these a few months in the future and just laugh at how I was feeling!

In the meantime,... I feel so aware of what is happening in my body, the love that I have for this beautiful baby boy, and the obsession that Eli has with my body and caring for me, I don't feel right. I will be okay though, cheers—here is to motherhood!

February 2nd, 2019

Shit, I totally forgot about this. Why in the world did I think I could maintain this? Okay, let me try and write down all that is new and different. Let's start with the good.

First, my breastfeeding journey has been okay. I mean for having the world's smallest titties, I really didn't think that I could produce anything. Turns out, that is not how breastfeeding works. I have found such a great lactation consultant and she has been working with Josh on his latch. She is so patient with him and with me. Every Tuesday, for the last two weeks she has come over, held the baby and let me rest a little bit, and then we worked on different breastfeeding techniques. I have mastered the football hold, which what the hell, who even thought of that? I don't have the hang of using the pillow or any other piece of furniture that Joy suggests. I will try though.