You ready for that baby?

2. Why am I like this?

The whole drive to S.W.A.T. I keep trying to make excuses. Maybe I'm getting my period, it would be time by now, and that's why I'm all cranky. But deep inside I know it's not that. Why am I so afraid? I love Street. I really, really do. And I love waking up next to him. So what's my problem? Why has the thought of moving in with him me all cringing?

"Ough!" Groaning, I lay my head on the wheel.

Why am I so afraid?

"Morning, officer Alonso"

That's the voice of a young woman, standing there with other recruits on the parking lot. They must be from the S.W.A.T. academy. A little overwhelmed, I nod back and mutter something that could count as a "g'morning". Frowning, I head to the door. Why did she look at me like I'm some sort of goddess? How would she know my name? I definitly don't know hers. I've never even seen her face before.

Well, anyway. There are bigger problems to deal with right now. Working with Street today could be difficult.

Suddenly, I realize the full extent of our fight. What if, hypothetically, we broke up? How could we face each other at work every day? Maybe the solution to the policy problem only led to bigger problems, ones we didn't see coming at the moment.

Oh my god. I bury my head in my hands. I'm almost freaking out right now. Why am I like this? Why am I always overthinking? Street is so chill about everything. I'm guessing he didn't even think much about us moving in together, it was more of a spur-of-the-moment thing. I could never do that. That's why it ended so badly, I guess, because it all went so fast.

I mean, would I like living together with Street? Yeah. Yeah, I would. But am I also afraid of it? One hundred percent.

That's not normal, I guess. It shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't be like that. But it's so exhausting, pretending I'm relaxed the whole time. And catching me so off-guard like Street did this morning ... well, it was hard to keep pretending.

I don't wanna be like that. I wanna be relaxed and chill and do crazy things out of the moment. But I can't. I feel like there's something inside me preventing me from doing it. Like ... like a barrier.

But what am I afraid of, exactly? I don't know. Only thing I know is that this fear is messing my life up, has done all the time, and I'm sick of it. I have to do something about it. What about doing something crazy? As an apology, I could propose to Street and we could get married, haha.

Oh, fuck. Just the thought has me scared to death. But it should make me happy. Why am I like this? Why? Why?

I need to do something about this. Suddenly, the picture of Dr. Wendy appears in my head, the S.W.A.T. psychologist. Could I talk to her about this? But no. No. Stupid idea. She's a trained doctor for traumatized police officers, not a couple counseler.

I need to figure this out by myself. Preferably in way that doesn't result in Street and me breaking up.

Because that's the very last thing I want.

*******

Very short and very late, I'm so sorry! But I'm back now :).