Passenger

1.1 Goodbye Lullaby.

Abused.

Let's start from the beginning. The moment where I lose consciousness or I gain it. I don't know. Here is a question: what makes a child a child?. The answer is: innocence. Yeah! I lost it when I was only 4 years old.

Family is supposed to be the first people that you must trust in life because they are the first people that you met in your whole life. Whatever, like many people I wasn't lucky. My cousin was 16 by that time. In fact, I had a friend who had a similar experience when he was 6.

However, I used to remember this as a dream but when I was 8 I realized that it wasn't. He abused me. I remember clearly that afternoon. My parents were working as they always were and nobody could take care of me. Nobody but my cousin. It would be only for 6 hours. He said yes because of money.

I remember that I fell asleep by the time that my parents left me in the morning with him. I felt something but I couldn't explain what it was. I suppose you know what it could be. When I woke up I didn't have my shirt on. As soon as I woke up my cousin jumped to his bed and started to watch TV. He didn't say anything to me. I also remember that he didn't have a shirt either.

When I was completely conscious, I saw on TV people having sex. He said: don't tell this to your parents and I just look at him. He asked me if I could suck his toes. I did. I can still feel the smell and how it tasted. He started to take off his short and I saw his dick. He rubbed it while he was looking at me and I was just staring.

He said I better take off my short too. I did. Then he said that I should sit on his belly. I walked slowly. I think I was scare at that moment. He put me on his belly and then he moved me closer to his dick. I felt it. It was hard and could feel the veins palpitating for the blood. He touched my penis and asked me if I like it. I didn't say anything.

He started to open my buttocks. He moved his hips up and down. In one hard move he tried to put his penis inside of me but it was big and I just screamed. He put all his hand over my mouth and put me on the bed. He said relax and be quiet.

We heard my aunt. She was yelling at my cousin to open the door. He was terrified and put his short on fast. He dressed up to me and he made promise him that I would never say a word about it. He changed the channel and went out to open the door. I just sat in bed and stayed quiet.

I can still feel his fingers touching my body when I have a dream about it. His dick around my ass. What would have happened if my aunt hadn't been there at the moment? would he have completely abused me?

I know it happened long time ago. It just just that I sometimes have that dream and I just wake up scared about it. Actually, I had one three weeks ago. Will I forget that one day? Because accepting it and trying to live with it is not working enough.

The abused becomes abusador.

I know I didn't do it on purpose. My young cousin made the first step and I just followed him. This happened when I was almost 5 and he was 4. We were at the back of our houses. We were alone and he was peeing. I saw his little penis. He asked me if mine was as small as his. I just showed him and he was not impressed. We were kids but somehow I thought my other cousin probably had abused him because he was younger than me.

He got on his knees and swallowed. He asked if I liked it and I said I didn't feel anything. He said if I would do the same and I did. The said he didn't feel anything either. I said I saw my parents doing something with their mouth. He said we should do it. We kissed. I remember My tongue inside his mouth and rolling around. I said turn around and he did. I started to rub my penis to his buttocks and he said that he was feeling tickle.

We stopped when we heard my grandmother calling us and we definitely got scared. We promised each other to never talk about it.

I know it is weird. I spent much time trying to make me think this was not real, but I know it is not. I had that awful experience. I had to accept it.

Am I an abusador? Yes, of course I am. I feel guilty about it. I know we were kids. Also, I know I was curious about it. Is my older cousin fault? Definitely, I think it is. I promised to never talk about this, but I don't care. They keep living like nothing happened and I am the only one who just kept behind and still feeling like shit and cannot forget that.

They don't speak English. They don't even know where I am and even if they will, I know they will not care at all. I cannot forget many things, but these two are the most traumatic for me because they were the first two.

I hope one day to forget about it. I'm tired of having that dream and waking up feeling guilty; do you know why? Because my younger cousin was not the only kid who I almost abused. I will tell you later when it happened and how I stopped on time in another chapter.