FACE THE SHADOW || SVT 14TH MEMBER

𝟬𝟬𝟭

01.

THE POSSIBILITY OF REDEMPTION

In which Achlys, consumed by disappointment and guilt, sees the possibility of redemption.

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September 3, 2019

ACHLYS HAD LEARNED at a young age what disappointment was.

Maybe, it laid in the feelings of pity that her primary teachers held deep in their eyes during conferences, when only her father appeared and had to excuse himself early, if he went at all; maybe, in the laugh of that one classmate she had in Middle School whose name she can't even remember but who yelled out loud, "Your mother left you for a reason"; maybe, in the wavering of her hand over the PLEDIS form as she doubted how to fill the familial status section.

Yet, Achlys was sure that her greatest disappointment in life was breaking apart her relationship with her father after becoming an idol.

As she sent the trainee application, mulling over the what-ifs, losing her father hadn't even crossed her mind. It hadn't made sense, back then, that becoming a trainee would impact their strong connection in anyway — how could that happen, when it was her father who, between tears, signed the application and hugged her goodbye in the airport, wishing her success?

Nevertheless, 7 years after having left him alone in China and 4 after having debuted, she could say she had sacrificed her father to debut, even if it was a heartbreaking realisation.

She should've noticed, she berated herself, that he didn't want her to be an idol, that he was scared of her becoming a shadow of her mother (yes, her mother again, that shadow of the skeleton in her closet and the monster that had plagued her nightmares ever since she learnt that her mother had left her by her own accord). Her father had been cursed with the child of a woman who despised his whole existence and, still, he loved both of them so deeply it hurt Achlys.

In becoming an idol, she was following the steps of her mother; she demonstrated that one's own nature is an intrinsic part of one's being, and that it inevitably ruled one's actions. Reflecting on it years later, Achlys realised that her father feared she would become her mother, and rightfully so — wasn't she doing just that?

Still, even if she was disappointed at herself for not seeing the real feelings her father sported as he cried when she was accepted into PLEDIS, she wanted to be selfish and blame him for all of it.

Since she had left for Korea, they hadn't talked.

And, Achlys understood it was difficult for both of them to arrange quality time to spend it together (SEVENTEEN hadn't done any concerts in Shanghai, where her father lived, and both of them were vehement workers) — but, still! She was his daughter, how couldn't he at least try to match her effort?

She could rarely visit Shanghai, and when she did, it was painfully obvious that he actively avoided her. When she called him (never vice versa), he didn't pick up; when she used a different phone once, he ended the call seconds after she said his name.

Seven years after leaving China, it downed upon Achlys that she had lost her father, and it was to the ghost of her mother.

These were the thoughts plaguing her mind as she prepared herself for their third and last Seoul concert, as part of the SEVENTEEN World Tour 'Ode to You'.

It was her father's birthday, that day.

Her striking epiphany sparked from the fact that she hadn't called him. In her head, there was only one thought on the topic: it's pointless.