FACE THE SHADOW || SVT 14TH MEMBER

𝟬𝟬𝟯

03.

THE INTANGIBILITY OF FEELINGS

In which Achlys, chained to the fear of losing the pinnacle of her life, prioritises 'what she should' over 'what she would'.

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August 1, 2019

IN THE SUMMER of 2019, July seeped into August like the blood of a cherry on a white blouse.

July didn't even say goodbye — it hadn't come as a surprise as, by then, the years had stop kissing her goodnight — but still left behind for Achlys to find an empty space, a dull ache and a phantom of pain at her inability to change.

It was there (the start of August), slow and vicious, but so gentle it went unnoticed. Achlys had wanted to get better before the month settled — grow! What did the concept of 'growing' have to create such a deep adoration for it within her chest? Not growing made her feel guilty, at fault, but, yet again, what's growing but transforming into something else, as intangible as the last? — but, instead, she spent that summer in the constant purgatory that her life was.

Not quite there, but not quite here either. Not quite tangible, but not quite intangible either.

Achlys, in constant pursuit of growth, wanted the tangible. Much like many wonder whether there's a sound if a tree falls and no one is there to see it, Achlys wondered over her existence. And, materiality! Materiality was proof, and as long as she had proof of her growth, she had grown.

It was what she had ought to do — what she should, not perfectly aligned with what she would do otherwise, but still the better choice between both when she weighed them against each other.

These were the thoughts of consolation in her mind hours later — you did what you should've done, it was the best choice for his sake too — as she laid awake in her bed and justified her prioritisation: secure the tangible, proof of growth, and sacrifice the intangible.

Before the broken promises of July made themselves known in the form of August to a guilty Achlys, she had only sighed in tiredness at the incoming month and the closeness of a comeback. Her feet didn't drag across the floorboards with regret yet (for her own decisions, always, because she still mourned for what she had wanted but couldn't have) but only moved silently as she walked through the dorms.

Her eyes, searching for something unknown (perhaps, there was a pre-existing expectation for a catastrophe) only spotted Junhui's figure in the house's balcony and, soon, her ears picked up the slow melody he hummed, pooling into the living room through the door left ajar.

When Achlys followed Junhui's gentle song further into the room, she could see him leaning back in a chair in the small terrace of the house, swinging gently in small circles a half-full can. After sliding the door close, she took a seat beside him, ruffling his hair as she always did and copying the small wave he sent her, and picked one of the five bottles left (he had presumably taken a packet of six, seeing as there were no other drinks laying around) to read the label. A logo glared her way, followed by a neatly typed 'beer' in italics. Giving a small laugh, she showed it to him.

Junhui stopped humming, looking at the brand name. He shrugged owlishly, having understood her silent question, and smiled while talking, "It was a gift from that one show we starred in last month. It tastes pretty nice."