Fatal Pursuit

thirty-four

"I can't understand anything you're saying, sweetheart. Just breathe."

I took a couple of deep inhales and cleared my throat,"O-okay," I croaked.

"Good. Now talk to me, what's going on? Why are you calling?"

"I want to go home right now. I can't wait anymore."

"What happened? Are you okay? Did that skyscraper upset you?"

My tears ran off of my chin and splashed onto the paper of Dante's farewell, "I'm fine. Can you just... come get me?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course! Send me the address and I'll be over as soon as possible."

"Alright..."

"Pack your stuff up and I'll see you in a minute, okay?"

I say nothing as I wipe my nose with my sleeve.

༄

When I roll my luggages to the gate, the gate man isn't even there and the doors are wide open. I drag my things outside and wait for him in front of the gate. My eyes are so tired from crying and so am I. I'm entirely dehydrated and utterly miserable.

His SUV pulls up in front of me and he parks and hops out, "This place was a nightmare to find!" he looks at me with the saddest of eyes as he takes me in, "Infinity? What's the matter?"

I can't hold the tears back anymore, "I fucked up, Xavi. I fucked...everything up."

"What?"

"Dante fucking left the country because of me and I'm probably part of the reason why Ignacio is dead!"

"I don't think you had anything to do with that..."

"And how the fuck do you know?" I spat, "You don't know anything, I don't know anything apparently! I don't even know as much about myself as I thought I did." I can feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and I know I look like an absolute mess but my looks are the least of my worries right now, "It's just all so fucked up!"

"I just wanted to have a summer of fun and flings, like normal girls, like...G! How come she gets to fuck a million guys with no problem but I fuck one and he's the leader of a gang or whatever the fuck! I just thought that I could do the same, you know? Not because I really wanted to, but because...I don't know! I just thought that if I did what everyone else does, I wouldn't feel so damn empty and out of place. I would finally get it... I could finally belong."

He looked at me with pity, as if he understood, "Oh, Infinity..."

"And yeah, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing most of the time, but I did what felt right in the moment! There's not exactly a guidebook for this shit. I never get attention back home, I don't have that experience. I just wanted my own chance to be that girl, you know. But whenever I fucking try, everything just turns to shit!"

He takes my face in his hands, "It's not shit, we can fix it. Listen to me-"

"I spent all of this time trying to find the missing piece of me. I always knew that there was something not quite right with me. I know what it is now. There's nothing inside of me," I crumple into a ball on the side of the road, "I am nothing."

"You're not nothing. You are an amazing girl. A normal girl would not have the impact that you have. Why do you think... why do you think I'm still stuck on you, huh?"

I look up at him and behind my tears he's a warbly blur, "How could you look at me with anything but absolute disgust? I hate myself so much. For what I've done...for the people I've hurt." I wipe my tears on my sleeve, "I've spread my pain and my emptiness onto others. I infected them with my disease. What am I even living for?"