Groundhogs

Chapter 3: Ottalina's Home

I looked down from just above the tree line behind the bleachers I met Free and watched him for awhile longer. I wanted to believe that he understood how I felt, but there was no way I could be sure. I had to trust him.

Even from that height I could see the expression he wore. His eyes were drowning and his shoulders never seemed to be able to stay propped up. It was like I could see just how much was weighing down upon him. There wasn't any time left to second guess my decision in choosing him. And for some reason, I couldn't help but think of Lino, and his eyes. I needed to know if he made it out. I wanted to see him again before it all started.

Traveling from Free's Earth to my home Earth didn't take too long; the entire trip was five of his minutes each way. I had to say my goodbyes to Lino and return, or too much time would pass for Free. I flew into a forest just at the edge of my neighborhood, where I told Lino to meet me. As kids we used to meet here secretly and read the stories about Imelda. Lino's eyes trembled each time we read about her defying our world and searching through the sky for that unknown feeling. Lino would ask, "Do you think we can feel that way for someone? I don't want to stay here forever wondering."

"Otta, what're you doing here? I thought you got away?"
"Lino."
"Missed me?"
"Why are you here? We left together, what happened? Did they find you? You need to leave Lino, come on let's leave, I found where Imelda lived. We can leave again together and I'll introduce you to Free. Oh— right, okay so Free is this new friend I made on that Earth. I'll explain it on the way, let's—"
"Hey, do you have any smokes?"
"Uh yeah. Let me—"
"Otta."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm happy you're okay."
"Of course I'm okay. Let's go, we need to leave."
"I can't Otta."
"What?"
"Do you remember that line? After we almost got caught with the Book of Imelda? That one line that used to make us smile?"
"Vaguely, I guess. What's going on Lino?"
"It read, 'Why can't they understand love is the only thing we want? How can we be happy without it?' I've been thinking about that line a lot recently, and I don't think I'll be getting what I want this time."
"Did they—"
"That day when we flew away with the others chasing us, they knew they would only be able to catch one of us."
"Lino, what happened?"
"I can't run away anymore, Otta."

In the Book of Imelda, she wrote about what would've happened if she had been caught. She said anyone who tries to escape for whatever reason is stripped of their ability to fly. It was a death sentence for someone searching for what we desired to find, outside of that place. Lino started laughing softly and walked closer to me.

"Otta, I read the journal you left behind. The Book of Ottalina. That's it, right?"
"You've got to me fucking kidding me."
"Don't worry, I found it before they could take it away."
"You didn't read anything did you? It's not finished. I haven't found it yet."
"Hm. I saw a page in there that wasn't finished."
"Lino."
"Do you still feel that way? About me?"

I snatched the journal from Lino and turned away. I had just started to come to terms with it all. Lino had a way of seeing through me. If what I read from Imelda's book was really love, I couldn't lay claim to the unrequited, it wasn't love. But then I thought of Free and Jenn, and I thought about how he spoke of her. Listening to his words, for a few moments it reminded me of how Imelda spoke of the man she found.

I wanted what I felt for Lino to be love. I thought if I told myself it was love again and again, it would be so. Free, too, wanted it all to be love. And I'm sure he believed it was. But Imelda wrote much more than her own thoughts of love. She wrote of the love she received.

"Lino, I don't have much time. I'm sorry you had to read that. And I know how you feel and I know what I felt probably wasn't what Imelda meant. And I know I'm not enough. I think there was a time when I thought I was. I think there was a time I thought I was enough but I know I'm not—"
"Well, this isn't like you Otta," Lino chuckled.
"What?"
"How many times did we read that last line Otta?"
"I know, I just..."
"You're enough, Otta. And even if you weren't or you think you're not, you're deserving too. What'd it say? Tell me again, I think I'm starting to forget." 
"It said, 'There is love for all who breathe and for all who lost their breath. For all who seek and for all who hide, there is love.'"
"I care about you, Otta. I'm not sure if it was love, and it's too late to find the answer. But I'm sure of one thing. That whether you're hiding or seeking, breathing or not, love exists for you too."
"Lino..."

I wiped my tears before they fell and rushed into his arms. He wrapped them around my waist and I felt him pulling me closer. And he held me like he lied to himself. I left his embrace and we exchanged smiles, walking slowly away from each other, widening the space we rid ourselves of.

"This guy, Free. Do you think he can help you?"
"I think he's sort of like me. Maybe more of a coward, but I think he's honest. Maybe not as much with himself but..."
"Ah, I see. He seems nice. Go easy on him, you know you can be a little..."
"A little what?"
"Nevermind!" He chuckled. "Hey, before you—"

I only heard the crackling of the air seconds before. An arm appeared through Lino's chest and his eyes trembled again, like when we read Imelda's book. But they wouldn't stop trembling. And I was confused, because the corners of his mouth were still turned high into his cheeks, even as blood poured from the center. I looked down at my feet because they wouldn't move, and something that resembled a heart rolled over my toes. 

"Lino?" I whispered. "Lino?"
"Hurry up and grab her." A voice said from behind.

I sprung into the air before I heard Lino respond. As I flew out of my home, I watched Lino's arms pulling the voices' bodies back to the ground. I sprung myself deeper into the sky and toward Free. I tried to catch my tears before they fell again, but I think I was flying too quickly.