i love you from here

CHAPTER TEN

"I'm taking the dog, dumbass."

Charlie tosses popcorn in her mouth. She got the perfect amount of butter and salt this time.

What is she doing?

Watching a movie.

What should she be doing?

Studying.

But this is such a good movie. Anyway, she's had a rough day with her anxiety already, and it's not even late in the day yet. This- cuddling Riley, watching a movie she knows and loves- is like ice on a sprain. If the sprain was mental. Charlie gently rubs up and down the bridge of Riley's nose. Riley is asleep, her chin resting on Charlie's abdomen.

Moments like this are Charlie's favorite. Gentle. Relaxed. Content. Not thinking about the looming, inevitable outcome of her appointment with the doctor earlier. Her TMJ has been getting progressively worse as of late. The doctor referred her back to the dentist to get a splint made. It might help. It might make it worse.

TMJ is stupid, stupid, stupid. Her jaw hurts all the time these days, whether she's talking, eating, or just sitting there. Having the habit of clenching her jaw while she concentrates or sleeps doesn't help. She wakes up every morning in worse pain than the night before, almost unable to move her jaw, it's so sore. Her dentist appointment is tomorrow. Charlie scheduled it as soon as possible- she's getting desperate to get her jaw fixed or helped somehow. Tylenol and ibuprofen combined barely touches the pain anymore. Going to sleep at night is getting more difficult. Waking up is mighty easy, though. All she has to do to get her heart rate up is open her jaw as wide as she can and let the pain hit.

Charlie fights a yawn. Her jaw hurts more than usual right now. The doctor had her moving it a lot and in ways she tries her best to avoid. It popped on both sides, at least, which brought a little, temporary, relief. But it was loud. Loud enough to almost hurt her ears.

Finally, after the movie is done, Charlie makes herself stop procrastinating. She has to study. A test is coming up, and she is not going to fail pre-med. While she reads the textbook section on musculoskeletal disorders, she lets her jaw relax and keeps her teeth apart. An hour passes and Charlie is struggling to stay focused. She can feel her anxiety starting to flare up again, too, and shuts the book. She can't do this right now. Tears of frustration and pain and panic blur her vision.

Riley gently licks Charlie's hand. She can tell Charlie is getting upset. Charlie rests her forehead on her book. The cover is hardback, so it's cool against her sweaty skin.

I can't do everything, but that's okay, she thinks to herself. 'Use a positive thought process,' her therapist always says. Charlie does her absolute best, but it doesn't always work. Today is just a crappy day.

But that's okay.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Charlie checks her phone. It's a little past two, which means that it is too early to go to bed. She's exhausted, though. Maybe if she goes to bed now, she won't be tired for her dentist appointment tomorrow at seven. She'd get an awful lot of sleep, even if she goes ahead and eats dinner and showers and all that. Maybe she'll take a long, hot bath. Light some lavender candles, listen to some music.

Charlie leans back. She decided on the bath, and combined every bit of self care she can think of. She has on a mud mask, dumped a cup of lavender bath salts in the tub, and got the bathroom hot as a sauna. She plays music from her phone. It's very relaxing. Riley stands next to the tub, sniffing the lavender scented water, and takes a tentative taste. She immediately backs up, wincing. Charlie laughs and gives her rubs on the top of her head.