The Great Between

A Split Sky

After school, Max gives me an hour to call Leo while she takes photos for her art project. She says if I haven't done it by the time she gets back, she'll take matters into her own hands. After her picnic plot with Charlie, I don't doubt it. So I sit on my bed with my phone in my shaking hands, my thumb hovering over the 'call' button. I can't bring myself to press it. Which is stupid. I should be able to do this. I should be able to talk to Leo.

Maybe I've got mirrors in my head, like the ones in Will's cruise ship cabin, that stretch things out into oblivion and make things seem much worse than they are. Or maybe my freak out was a glimpse into how I really feel, a revelation that I'm not mature enough, ready enough, or in control of my anxiety enough to let something as exciting as this begin. Maybe I don't deserve it to happen, or I'm as scared as I always am when I'm on the precipice between one era and another, between when Leo and I are friends and when we could be something else. I never learnt how to let go of Now and move onto Next and with the pandemic and school and everything, I feel like a lot of my next steps are being chosen for me.

Max's aunt in England called this morning before online school to tell her that Max's second cousin had died from the Virus. Max let me listen to the call, and I hugged her tight as her chin trembled and her aunt's voice wobbled.

'Everyone here knows someone who has died,' Max's aunt said. 'I'm scared to go out to the letterbox, let alone the supermarket.'

For a while, it felt like things were calming down, but I think I had just tuned out. I was too focused on Max and Leo and Will being okay. I was worrying about roosters and sleepover accidents while the rest of the world was facing disaster. It's like I was in a bay for a while and now I've been thrown back out to sea, right in the churning, spinning worry.

Last night as we watched the news, Gracie said she wanted to go back to how things were before, but even with how uncertain and strange everything is now, I can't imagine that. How could I go back to that long ago Before when I didn't know Will, when I was blind to how Max felt and too scared to tell Leo that I liked him. I'm still scared, but I've changed, in this vast, confusing Between. I can spark a beginning now and if that means this moment of uncertainty and worry ends, maybe that would be worth it. Maybe I won't miss this era as much as I think.

I take a deep breath and press call. Leo picks up almost immediately, like he's been waiting for me.

'Hi, Stella.' His voice is careful, like he's worried the wrong tone or the wrong words might break me.

'Hi.' I try to sound more confident than I feel.

'Are you doing okay?'

'Yeah, I am.' I'm not sure how true that is. 'Listen, about yesterday—'

'Don't worry about it,' he says. 'It's fine.'

My heart drops. He sounds like he's trying to brush this off, to dismiss what could've happened if I hadn't panicked or if we'd gone on the picnic Charlie planned for us. I shouldn't be, but in that moment, I'm so angry at his dismissal I could scream.

'I know you wrote that story,' I say.

'What story?' he tries.

'You know what story, Leo.'

'Oh,' he says flatly. 'That story.'

'Were those characters us?'

'Sort of.'

'They didn't get together.'

There is a long pause and my heart beats so heavily, I feel like I might pass out. I've made a mistake, taken a wrong conversational turn that could be disastrous.