Beginnings are Roads to Endings

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The evening light gives Leo a gold glow, catching all the little curls of his hair as he turns to me, fingers tapping on the steering wheel as we sit in the stationary car, out the front of Will's house.

'So, Charlie says I can drop you home. Or, if you'd like, we can have an adventure.'

His cheeks glow and there is a glint of hope in his eyes. I try to focus on that, try to put all my attention on how happy I am to be sitting beside him and push down some of my worry.

I thought it was a natural fact of the universe that Stella King loves Leo Child and fate would take care of the rest. But now, as Leo takes a folded piece of paper from his pocket, I realise how stupid that thought was. If this happens, it will be because Leo and I choose to make it happen. If it falls apart, it will be because we choose that too.

A voice in my head keeps whispering, you're going to ruin everything. You're going to ruin one of your best friendships. If this starts, it can only end badly. I tell the voice to shut up as I take the note. He's written a response to my letter. He's made a choice, chosen a path for us to take. But then I unfold it to reveal a list of picnic foods, just like the one Charlie made for her Valentines date with Josh.

I look up at Leo and he bites his lip, waiting for me to say something.

'Charlie packed a basket,' Leo says softly. 'She said you'd know what that meant.'

I have to tear my gaze away from Leo's eyes before something inside me bursts. I know what Charlie means. She means something along the lines of: Here, Stella, have the perfect opportunity to make something happen! Have a nice little romantic picnic! I should take it. I should... I could set us on the wrong path. I could make this fall to pieces.

I make a deal with myself and turn to Leo.

'Did you get my letter?' My voice is so soft, so uncertainly quiet.

His eyebrows are knotted together. 'What letter?'

He never got the letter.

He never read the letter.

He looks at me for a long moment, waiting for me to explain. It's like a gifted breath sends sparks deep into my lungs. A moment of infinite possibility spreads out before us and I swallow down my doubts just long enough to seize it. Before the moment slips away, I lean towards him...

But I can't do it. I can't.

Adrenaline pumps through me and my head pounds with panic. This is going to end this is going to end this is going to end. There are already so many endings swirling around me, so many pieces of coastline falling into the sea. I can't add to that. I can't do it.

I've fucked this up. I've missed the moment and I've fucked this up and I'm going to ruin our friendship.

I want to tell Leo all this and I want him to tell me that I'm being ridiculous, that the end won't matter, that it won't hurt. I want him to tell me that no matter how things go from here, I won't hurt him and he won't hurt me and I want to believe him.

But I don't say anything. A wave of anxious nausea washes over me and my head spins and I have to get out of the car. I fumble with the door handle, stumble out into the crisp evening, and mumble an apology. Leo leans out of the car, tries to get me to stay, to talk, to tell him what's wrong.

I run home like a scared kid. I don't tell him how sorry I am that I'm such a coward. Surely he knows that now. Surely that's a fact of the universe too: Stella King loves Leo Child but is too scared to do anything about it. Stella King is too pathetic to do what will make her happy. Stella King is bringing about her own personal apocalypses.

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