tom holland: a book of blurbs

•{the demons in your head}•

summary: Aftermath of the return from the Blip
tw: nightmares, bad dreams, trauma

~~

I can't count on both my hands the amount of times I've been up with Peter tonight. The bedside lamp has been on all night long because he insists it needs to stay on.

It's been about a month since his return from "The Blip", and we knew this was coming. After the initial adrenaline rush of defeating Thanos and saving the world had passed, reality set in.

Going back to 'normal life' turned out to be so, so much harder than he'd originally planned.

At first he faked it. Hid all of his emotions inside and forced himself to look and behave okay so I wasn't worried about him. But I caught on quick. Quicker than he planned.

I noticed whenever he'd get up to "go to the bathroom" multiple times at night... he'd spend almost an hour in there by himself. Not even going to the bathroom. But instead sitting on the floor in the silence by himself.

I know. Because I followed behind him one night. Concerned.

The next obvious sign to me was his lack of motivation to do much of what he loved doing before his disappearance. He didn't have any interest in tinkering around with his Stark gadgets, nor did he accept any offers to hang out with Ned or May.

Because he was avoiding being talked to about everything that happened and what he had to experience while he was gone. I would know- he's turned me down every time I've brought it up.

That sign was followed quickly by his drop in appetite. I'd usually have to cook up three portions worth of food for meals because he'll normally scarf down about two servings just on his own. But I've had to put leftovers away every night, then later throw them out when they don't get eaten.

He barely manages one serving of everything I make. And blames it on exhaustion. Which... isn't entirely wrong. It's a branch of what's really going on. I just wish he'd let me in.

The second to last obvious symptom was his irritability. Towards everyone. Which, unfortunately, put quite the strain on our relationship. And everyone else he's had a friendship going on with.

He doesn't talk to me. He doesn't want to participate in any of our usual weeknight movie binges or Friday night dates. He gets irritated any time I point out his behavior.

He doesn't want to get too close at night. He doesn't hold me like he did before. He rests with his back turned towards me. And pushes away my arms when I try to hug him.

And he isolates himself. A. Lot.

He won't even talk to May. Which, she's told me doesn't hurt her and she's used to Peter's stubbornness, but I hear it in her voice when I talk about it with her. I see it in her eyes and on her face when I bring it up.

We're all doing our best to stay optimistic and keep our heads up. But it's hard for our little friend group and family to focus positively when we're missing the glue that holds us all together.

I haven't been able to sleep all night lately. This past week especially has been very difficult. It seems like he's waking up with a nightmare every half hour. He's not getting any sleep either.

Well, except for tonight. For some reason. I'm wide awake just... watching him sleep. He's laying in front of me, facing me for once. Despite whatever unconscious movie may be playing behind his eyelids in his sleep, he looks peaceful.

The calmest, most like himself I've seen lately.

It brought me to tears but I refused to break down. I don't want to interrupt his sleep at all in any way. The one thing I did do, however, was reach my hand out and gently caress his cheek as he slept.

It was a calming feeling for me, the physical contact. It's been so long since I've actually touched him and felt his warmth against my skin. Granted, the skin on his cheeks is chapped because of all the tears and the breakdowns. But regardless, it's him. It's Peter. Not quite my Peter, but close. Almost. Kind of.

Watching him peacefully sleep in front of me began making me drowsy as well. The calm aura radiating off of him was transferring straight to me and slowly putting me to sleep. I fought my eyes open for a little while longer before I eventually gave in and fell asleep.

Literally minutes later...

"No!!! No!! F-fuck, no... n-no, please!! Not again!!"

"Hey!" I sat up and shook Peter awake. "Hey! My love, you're okay!! You're home!! With me!!"

Peter's wide eyes frantically flicked around the room as he huffed and puffed for air. Sweat was beading down the side of his face and made his hair stick to his forehead.

He locked eyes with me and almost instantly started sobbing. He just completely broke down.

"Here, hey, sit up," I helped him sit up and the first thing he did was grab me up in his arms and securely hold me to his chest.

"P-please... don't- don't let him... don't let him take me. Please."

"You're okay, I've got you, babe. It's okay," I slipped my fingers into the small hairs on the back of his neck and began ever so gently pulling them through my hand. "You're safe. You're not going anywhere. I'm right here."

His breathing was still so labored. So shaky.

"I'm s... I'm sorry," He sniffled and began rubbing my back. With his shaking figure though, his movements were anything but slow and calming. Very shaky and jerky. Spastic.

Then he started shivering in my arms. Which means he's got quite the adrenaline shock rushing through him. He's so panicked and afraid that his body almost feels like it's seizing in my arms.

"Let's get you laid back down, yeah?" I swapped his pillow for mine and gently set his head down on it. Then pulled the blanket down to about mid-torso on him. I helped him remove his shirt to cool off and walked him through a few deep breaths. "You're okay. Okay? Don't apologize. Don't beat yourself up for any of it. You're safe at home with me. Nothings gonna hurt you, not while I'm here."

Peter's eyes closed when he managed to get his shaking under control.

"I love you..." He mumbled. "I have... I haven't said that enough."

I shook my head and gently stroked his face.

"I love you too, Peter. So much. It's okay. Your feelings are valid. What you went through was scary, okay? I'm not mad at you. I just... I need you to start talking about it. If not with me, than someone else. Like Tony or May or hell- even Happy. Okay? We need to get rid of these nightmares and living in your trauma isn't gonna help at all. I want you to feel better, Pete."

Peter nodded exhaustedly. But reached up with a rather limp hand and pulled me down on his side to lay against his chest.

"Need... need you right here. I forgot how- how safe it makes me feel..."

"I'll stay right here all night if you need me to, my love. You tell me when, okay? Together. We do this together."