Drowned On This Love

Chapter 1

    
     It all started with a tinder swipe. No, don't say that! Why are you people against tinder or be like judging those who use it? It's a normal app where you can meet lotta people and get to know them. Some people does not take it serious, and see it as a hook-up platform, but I heard some cases of couples who met on tinder and they even got married. So, if you relate with it, do not feel ashamed to tell your family, friends that you met someone on tinder. I personally do not feel embarrassed, I met Jordan, someone who I was going to describe as an incredible guy, but no, I will not make y'all fall in love with him as I did. Not that he's not worthy,  he is a very good-looking and a yummy boy, despite being smart which is very attractive to me. So, at beginning it was not a big deal,  was only a crush. But then, I found myself waiting for his messages, smiling while talking to him. That was not enough for admitting that he turned to be something more than just a simple crush. I personally do not take anyone serious. Sorry, but that is a fact! My moon on Sagittarius do not allow me to. Yeah, I am into zodiac sign, it's a big deal for me. By knowing a guy's zodiac sign, I can scan him, and be aware of many things. Well, Jordan is Virgo, but I can't read him. I hate when I can't do it. No, no, no, that was just a metaphor, ok?! I am good at observing people. While as I was trying to figure it out Jordan's character, he surprised me. From the moment that he knew that I was a writer, he asked for reading my books. I got surprised because I do not have male readers... well not that I know. Maybe because I do criticize men a lot. Hell no! "Don't be calling me stupid feminist". Feminism isn't a bad thing, woman lift up woman. It's a supportive behavior. I don't think that women are superior human beings, I do criticize men's actions toward us, I want them to deeply think if they are being fair to us. Women suffer a lot, and seems like men are not aware of our struggles. No, I am not saying that we are fragile, cuz women can handle lotta things, do lotta things at the same time. But seems like most guys do forget that they come from a woman's womb. At least show some respect to us.

Speaking of respect, I do not understand the reason why a guy send the photo of his dick without you even ask. What's the point of it? Few days ago, a Mexican American guy who enlisted on army sent me a photo of him laying on bed nacked. The guy did not even ask me if it was ok for me to see such a a thing. No boundaries, Geez! I did not get mad, cause the dick was tiny which made me laugh. He was like: "What do u think". I did not want to mess with his ego, so I played the dumb. I was like: R u still on the bed?
He sent me another photo showing all of his dick and wrote: "Did u like it?". I analyzed the photo and replied: Liked what? And he got mad cuz I was making fool of him haha. He had no reason, right?  I should have said: "Dude, where is your dick? I can't find it". I went easy on him, did not cause any trauma. He is someone that I ghost a lot, but still insists on talking to me. Mhum, someone is masochist. I do ghost lotta people, sometimes I do it not in purpose. I did ghost that guy, because I was too busy talking to Jordan. After a few days of only talking on tinder, I kinda was sassy with him by saying: "Now it's the time for you to ask for my WhatsApp 😏👀". No, that wasn't dumb of me! The guy did not make any move, so I gave him a little  help. I don't personally ask for guys' social media. There's some exceptions. I figured out that outside tinder guys behave like shitty boys and I ain't got the patience for such bullshit. Sexualize me, objectifying me like if I was a crunchy pork crib. Like if I do not know that I am "too hot to handle" or that "I am hot girl, I do hot shit", fire like Megan the stallion. What? She is my goddess and a girl should dream higher. Men are so obvious! And yeah, I am on the right to say that cuz I have been talking to more than 3 hundred guys from all over the world, on these past 2 years. They are all different, but all with sex craving. All is about banging you! If a dude says to you:" I don't wanna fuck you." Be sure that he is lying to you. Some dudes can be less dumb than others, using a low profile, but they all want sex. ( Well, who doesn't?. ) For me, it's awful to approach someone only for sex. And be like: "Hi, I came for free sex. R u in?". Tinder guys are pretty straight with their intentions, some of them lie about what they really want. And be like: I don't know what I want". No, dude! We both know what you want. It starts with "s" and ends with "x". These guys are the worst, they be calling you lame cuz ur not into free sex, but they are the one's who claim that they do not know why they are using tinder. I am not on tinder for a serious relationship, cuz I can't commit myself to it. Tho, my Pisces side insists on it, that is why I have some of heartbroken episodes, but broke a bunch of hearts too ( not my fault!). No, don't blame me for that. You can't blame someone for falling in love with me, look at me... I am an incredible person with a big heart, kind, charming, cute and generous. I tried to be clean with those whom I caused a broken heart, and after a while, I only wanted to be their friend. By doing that, I was blamed for giving up on something that could go further. Well, it could, I could be married right now, with a kid. But I don't want that! Well, not yet. There's so much to see, so much to do, and yeah, you better stress that " do " cuz I recently started to live in this mother fucking world which seems to be in the end. Not fair, dear universe, not fair! The world is gonna end, when I decided to live my youth. I changed a lot after studying abroad. China changed me a lot, I used to be this kinda nerdy girl, who only cared about having good grades, and being one of the top great students. Well, I am still a very good student... But I changed into a bad bitch. ( Don't judge me, huh? ) People change, as do their minds. I am living life, in baby steps when it comes to think about the future, cuz adulthood already fucked with me, so I don't want to end up dead. I already have some grey hair which is insane at my age. But this is fate, sooner or later, I will have grey hair. I think it's charming.( No, I don't think that. It was just me trynna see
positivity where it doesn't). Whatever, destiny is all. And speaking of it, I thought that I was finally able to settle down with someone, a guy who I started to love, but was refusing to admit that cuz we have some things that stop us from being together And that includes Jordan. It was almost impossible not to fall for him. I swear that I tried to be professional, do not mix feelings with pleasure. ( We ain't coworkers, it was just sexy to say " be professional ". Don't mind my tricky mind, I like to play on serious matters). And yeah, I was messing with Jordan, being sassy, cocky, and pretty good at flirting that I am.( The time gave me some experience). He, on the contrary, showed me a version of a man that I have never seen before, it was like something new for me. He showed interest in my books and read two of them. Gave me lotta compliments, encourage me to keep writing, and seemed to understand my struggles with anxiety. That brought us close to each other. He seemed interested in my culture, he dated a girl from my country and he can speak lotta things in my mother tongue, creole. And no, this wasn't common, none of my crushes ever spoke to me in creole. ( And no, Omar does not count cuz he is from Peru but was raised here in Cape Verde). When Jordan sent me a message on Whatsapp I thought that he was from my country too, I was suspicious till he told me that he dated a girl who was born in the USA but her parents are from Sal, one of the islands of Cape Verde. Ok, back to the story, I started to get to know him, and quickly his voice, his smile, his looking, his arms...Jesus. Only by remembering bout them, makes my toes curl, tho I am still injured on my left foot. I meant, it's insane how affected by him I am. I was in love with a few guys before, but nothing compared to this. I wasn't able to feel my feet curling at the same time, goosebumps, butterflies in my stomach, biting my lips. All at the same time! But with him, this constantly happens. Tho it's been a while cuz we are in this cold cycle. But according to him: "we are good".  So, am I being paranoid, right? Someone stopped video call me, stopped calling me kretxeu, and speaks less. I am not the one who does not express what feels for the other one. Jordan is so smart, funny, hot, polite, and cute, but he doesn't let me get in on his thoughts, he doesn't share his burden with me, even though he knows that I am here whenever he needs me. He just doesn't speak about his struggles or feelings with me. We talk about bunch of things, I do send him a photo of my homemade food, and he does also. His breakfast and lunch are healthy but not enough for him not to feel hungry in a couple of hours. I often joke that he is a mommy's boy, cuz his mom does his laundry but he has to make his breakfast, and then get ready for work. He does work at home, he is an engineer. Very convenient for me to try to disturb him with a video call by dancing for him ( He guaranteed me that he could do both things at the same time: working and talk to me.) He is my fav spectator. I love his eyes on me when I am dancing, his looking when I am shy and avoid looking at him, his expressions by whispering things to himself while following my body moving, and his mouth that I would love to touch with a desperate long kiss. Writing this book makes me miss him, it is been 4 days since we spoke. The last message was his and I ain't gonna message him, tho I am dying for talking to him. But I disciple myself: I like him, but I don't need him. - Marília Mendonça. "I don't chase a corny nigga, I put that on my life"- Nicki Minaj.( Tho he is not corny).  Love makes us daydream, get out of our minds, feel insanely happy, and brave, but when we realize that only one side got the feelings or is trying to make it work, everything vanishes. Maybe he likes me, but he is not ready for committing, I don't blame him, he is far away from me. We don't know when we will meet, he ended things with his ex months ago and he still has some scars that need to be healed and I don't wanna be the person to chain myself on him and be waiting until he realizes that I want him. I expressed myself clearly to him and told him how good he makes me feel. For the first time on 2 years, I was feeling happy and the world was colorful. Now, I only want to find someone to make me forget about him. It frustrates me to say it, but I am not ready to block him, despite constantly thinking bout that. I think that I still have hope that he will realize that I am getting away slowly. Love is a damn drug, and I do not have any prescription for the antidote. This beautiful feeling will consume you and dare you to give all of yourself, so you'll be addicted and then heartbroken. The coldness of the person will take you down, but you will be so vulnerable to that person that even if you want to run away, you will need to fight harder to let this feeling get away from you. It will consume you and freeze you, the next person will have to deal with your frozen heart and hopefully make it warm.
So, let's kill this love, I don't want to get drowned in this ocean of delusion.