Drowned On This Love

Chapter 2

    

    On the last chapter, I mentioned that I will not send a message to Jordan cuz I don't chase after a boy, even though I like this boy. But I guess that with him things work differently. ( Ok... That was a little bit cliche, but I can't deny it, I like him more than I expect to). My life got so cliche since I met him. I found myself wondering how it would be if we meet in real life. Not that he is just an imaginary character, no... Not that crazy yet. So, y'all stay calm. Well, I do speak with myself too, even feel like I am a different person, with a different face, but Jordan is real!. The video calls that we used to make are the proofs. How strange life is! We used to be so close that I could feel that there were no miles away between us, hearing his voice which I am hardly remembering the sound right now. The last time that we spoke on a phone call, he hang up on me without saying goodbye. The next day came to me as if nothing happened, we argued bout that and since that day I stopped seeing him like I used to. It was rude of him to hang up without saying that he was going to do that. He claims that I got mad at him cuz he did not describe how he feels about me as I wanted to hear. ( Bullshit!) I asked him and he took a while to find the words. If he likes me as he said that he does, he would not have to think too much to find the answer.
Feelings are not the same, but they can be similar. Since the day that we started talking, I have been honest with him. I haven't been rude, or toxic with him. Well, I try not to be toxic, cuz in daily life I deal with a bunch of toxic people, who like to manipulate and use others for their best interest and then throw you away as if you do not have feelings. I can be this cute, kind, lovely girl, but I can also be this cold and resentful person. If I get mad at someone, I will not pretend that everything is fine. I get that people can get mad at me, cuz I am a little bit dramatic, most of the time I do overexpress, I admit that, but I have my reasons. I don't fake my feelings, tho I learned how to do that when I studied in China.( No, I ain't gonna talk differently about Chinese people only cause I studied there, or cuz I have plans to live there). Chinese people, most of them are good at acting, faking their personality. No wonder why their movie industry is a big deal. Shout out to kung fu movies. I wish I could learn it, it would be amazing to kick some balls. So, skipping to all of these random topics, I did send Jordan a message. I limited myself to be short and he did reply to me. But somehow I wanted him to message me first, at least for asking about my day. Like he used to, maybe I expected too much from him. ( That is my only mistake in all of this). I don't regret falling in love with him. Cuz in a couple of years I felt happy. I only regret of open up too much for him and expecting that he could like me as I felt that he did. ( Yeah, I know that y'all are like: Damn, girl. Where is your damn self estee That's a pretty serious shit, huh?)
That is why I have never dated, so I could not experience being heartbroken for a long period, I easily get over someone. And then, thank you next! Not that I need someone to not feel lonely, I am not afraid of loneliness. I enjoy my own company, I am a free spirit. But, avoiding dating is a way to protect me, plus I do not easily fall in love and when I do, seems like my wild side, this girl who likes to fuck around.... just vanishes. ( What?! Don't be a chauvinist, a woman can also meet lotta guys and have fun with them. Can be a threesome or an orgy, y'all stop seeing this as whoring. Por Dios! ) I am into flings. Not that I do not want a relationship... I am just afraid of having one. This Sagittarius side makes pretty wild, so my Pisces dominant side can have some doubts. I know that I am very capable of doing anything and pretty confident. But, I think that I will not allow myself to be with only one guy. I tried it once and ended up realizing that I was just a pawn on Vicente's hands. That guy got me into him. Tho, I knew in my deeper heart that he was using me, ( we were both doing it, I was using him  for free food and pleasure. Jesus I miss his hands slapping my ass). He was giving me lotta mismessage by wanting to be in a relationship and not be. I knew that I was only being used, I Just refused to accept it. Since then, I promised myself that I would never let someone use me again, to be honest, I am not sure if Jordan is doing the same, it's not clearly but I can't deny that there is a possibility. It hurts me that things between us changed and I wanna talk about it, but will it change something? I do not know what he wants, nor him. Knowing him made me feel good about myself, my anxiety wasn't a big deal, was feeling complete, full of dreams, and excited about living. I will not shout him out, cuz after telling him about my new book which is connected with him, he got cocky and I don't wanna raise his ego. He is being cold, he doesn't bother if we spend days without talking to each other. If by any chance he got to read this book, I would hope that he thinks straight about my effort to love him.( It is strange, right? ) Tho I did not expect to find love on tinder. We all know that people randomly goes there for finding their soulmate, and I don't think that there's a soulmate. I personally don't use it for dating. Only for free food and free languages improvement. I want someone to ask me out, to eat, cuz I am a foodie and have a nice chat. I am applying for saving all the food on my stomach so that a few years later humanity can count on me to survive. ( I am fighting for a good cause, c'mon guys, give me some credits.). But tinder guys expect us, women, to be down to go on a date with them so they can freely bang us. What a fuck ?! I figured out that it works like this, so I play the smartest. I got free food and they got no free sex. Lis=1, tinder guys= 0. I know how they play, I am always 1 step ahead them and they buy my word without noticed that I plan all this. I act like this cute, dumb girl who they can easily fool. But they're the ones who are being foolished. Tinder isn't this awful thing where you will only find jerks, though tho lotta jerks are using it. But you can also find some good people too. I made good friends through it. But yeah, mostly guys who want to fuck me. I wonder if they do switch my head with my boobs, cuz they like asking for photos of my boobs quite often. I am not gonna deny that I did send some photos of me using a top or a bikini with a big towel around my waist. But to a few of them, marking the photo so I would know who upload it online and of course, without showing my face. (I ain't that fool!). It's not wrong sending a half nude, you just have to be cautious. Some guys are not worthy to see our beauty. And some seem to be worthy, but then it turns out that they aren't. We never know, we just need to do things that we are comfortable with. Whenever a dude asks for a private photo or even photos of me, if I do not want to send them, I don't send. If they insist, I block them. I got no patience, my bestie Ariel does know that. I hate when someone dares to ask me again like if they want me to change my my mind. If I stress a "no" and if you insist, I will roll my eyes and block you. No, that is not me overreacting, that is me putting a limit. If the person insists, I consider that this person is not respecting my wish, so the block comes! I am pretty straight at my actions, I stand for what I want, and I am very decided. Although, I am finding myself not resilient. I still have feelings for Jordan, I ain't gonna deny that. But his actions are disappointing me quite much that all these feelings are becoming less. I am getting over him and he doesn't seem to see it  I don't wanna live forever, but I refuse to beg for someone's attention. It should be genuine.