Drowned On This Love

Chapter 4

 
     
     Just now I talked to Omar, he was my first boyfriend. Well, not a real one cuz we skipped the "let us meet in person" part.( But it was real as it lasted.) We "dated" for months, we met on IMVU ( a game where you can meet people, be an avatar and you can do whatever you want there, literally whatever you want. Geez, the creators of that game are the nasty ones. I remember seeing guys dick right there I saw his dick! Well, his avatar's a dick. It should be censured, but no. In IMVU, I was going to say Habbo haha, sorry not sorry, IMVU. ) I met Omar there and we talked, At that time I was dating Yuri, and I found out he is less than 18 years old. Nah, I am not gonna babysitting a teenager. I have lotta sexual fantasies, but they don't include me with a teenager. "A mí me gusta mayores". — Becky G. So, me and Omar we dated, he is from Peru, and was raised in Cape Verde ( a place that unfortunately I was born. No, don't judge me. I have lotta reasons to not be a big fan of my n country. ) He is my friend's friend, her name is Marta. Shout out to her, I have been missing that biatch. The only one that I can freely speak Spanish with. Missing our convo, nena. So, as I was saying ( I should try to focus on what I am writing, so I would not get lost in my words. ) Omar met almost my whole family and I did meet a big part of his family, I even video called his mom and his younger sister which is adorable, Vivian, she is so cute and talented, she likes drawing as my cousin Belita. Well, for a while it worked for us, but then I realized that we would never gonna meet, so why insist on something that wasn't going to happen? So, I spoke to him, but the honesty did not work. He blamed me for giving up on us, we stopped talking, and we talked again. And through ups and big downs, now we are really good friends, he helps me a lot with my anxiety episodes and I do trust him more than a lot of my friends to talk about whatever I want. And that includes talking about my crushes with him. Just now, I spoke with him about this story and he was so supportive, I told him that I was not feeling much excited anymore cuz I was not inspired. Seems that Jordan's message got a bad influence on me. I can project the image of Omar saying: "She got what she deserves "— Kim Kardashian. Dear Kris Jenner, now I know how it feels to hear this sentence. Karma is a damn bitch. I kinda dumped Omar cuz I thought that a long-distance relationship wasn't my thing and Jordan did the same to me. Well, he did not dump me or something cuz we had nothing, he just forced me to come to my sense. Well, my heart is saying that this was stupidity. Why would he not be ready for compromising? I am a damn talented girl. And, I am not lying, Kim Kardashian. So, why would Jordan say: Long distance relationship is hard for me after saying: Guess, who's been searching for a flight to Cape Verde? ( I just rephrased his words, but it has the same meaning).  Maybe he did not mean it when he said: I do like you too. ( Fuck, not now! Why am I feeling low?? "Megan the stallion, Megan the stallion". I do say her name when my self-confidence is tryna trick me. She is like a damn goddess, Jesus!!I could be in a relationship with her if I was bi. Or maybe I am...who knows? We never know, well I do not know yet, cuz I have never felt a thing for women. Mhum, will scissors work for me?). Hope you got my point, I am trying to be polite with my words. C'mon, I am holding myself!. Everyone knows that I have an unzipermouth. "No, bitch I don't know"( I know that some of you said it). Well, now you know! And speaking of my relationships, I am pretty bad at it. If I do not screw it,  I got screwed. Well, there were no relationships, for those who lived miles away I was their "girlfriend", not at the same time. No, I ain't at that level yet. ( Slow down on judging my character, ok?). And those who were in the same place as I, just decided that I was not worthy of a relationship, they saw me as a fun buddy for a colorful friendship.  Well, not that I minded it... Well for a while it worked, then I realized that I wanted to be taken seriously which was not their ideal goal, so they sent me messages with lotta excuses about being dragged on lotta work stuff. Yeah that was pathetic, Vicente and Lucas!. Geez, It took me almost a lifetime to remember about Lucas. Him and Vicente were the only guys that I fell for. Now, I can't even remember their faces ( that's because I am resentful and their numbers are blocked and deleted). That's how I work, baby. Take it or run away. So, I know that sabotaging myself isn't healthy, I am the kinda corny girl that you would leave the table by listening to my pretty corny compliments to myself I do not stand myself sometimes, but it's kinda acting you know. My self-esteem is pretty high... Well, only 60%. Well, let us raise it a little bit 75. So, sometimes when a dude is trynna get me and be like Your so damn hot/ sexy.( Actually, I hate that compliment, there are lot more ways to compliment someone that you meet for the first time. Ain't cool, guys. Please reconsider that). I think that there is only one guy that I went out on a date with that did not use that word as a compliment. Dener ( This one took me an eternity to remember his name) this one wanted a relationship, wanted me to introduce him to the world as my boyfriend but I wasn't into him, we kissed, and we did lotta fun stuff ok, let's me be more specific. He handcuffed me, and licked me all over y body, we did other stuff too. But let's be aware that children can also read this book. So, by spending time with him I realized that the chemistry was not there anymore, plus he was acting strange. The guy was having a problem with "coming"( I hope that y'all got my point). Every time was the same, I get that it can happen. But every time?! Plus he did not understand the assignment and had to navigate to find my hot spot.( I am better with my hands, dude) So, I decided that Dener was someone that I could only be friends with, I was ghosting him after he turned his back on me at the time I most needed him. The guy compromised himself to pick me up and drive me to the hospital when I got injured on my left foot and then he was like Nah, I am not gonna stay there with you. I don't like hospitals. ( Mhm says someone who is gonna study medicine. That was so ironic and stupid of him.) So, I finally decided not to talk to him and one day the guy was like: Hi, I was being not much present cuz I met someone and I wanted you to know and I don't wanna lie to you and will be better for us to be friends if you don't mind. That message made my day for sure. Ahahaha I laughed so much, even shared it with my friends and we laughed too. Who did he think he was to come to me and act as if he was dumping me? Maybe he did not want to face the truth, he was never a big deal to me, I never introduced him to my besties or my family, and we were seeing each other for a month. ) I replied to him with emojis on his message and gave him time to pretend to be my friend, then I block and delete his number. ( No, that was the right thing to do. I wasn't gonna talk to him anyway and he was feeling himself like he had reasons too. Please, don't!) So, all these guys taught me that I am not ready for a relationship and nothing is granted, love only screws people, in a moment you are lifted to the sky, and in the other moment you are pushed back to earth and fall, with so many scars that you wonder when it happened. I got allergic to love, so let us not poison ourselves again.  Look what happened to me? I dreamed that next year I would meet the guy that I strongly fell for. But it turns out that we both have a different perspective on the future and I guess I should thank Jordan. Well, thanks to him I am like Elsa again, not willing to be in a relationship and my heart is cold again. ( What? Don't be surprised! I can lose my feelings faster than when I got them). Thankfully I am like this, can't imagine the opposite. Well, I can... I cried all day for understanding that Jordan and I will never gonna work. C'mon, we have been through this before with Vicente, right dear heart? And look how mature I am right now. I did not block Jordan yet, I am speaking to him normally... Well, that's half true. Normally we would be flirting, having tempting sexting, sharing some half-nudes or video calls so the air could capture our chemistry and nothing around us would be meaningful, nothing than us. But, no. I guess that Jordan was something that I desired, a reason to dream, someone that I thought would be the best for me at that time when I was vulnerable. I was stressed and felt that I failed and caused a disgrace to my life, cuz I graduated and still have no job, tho I applied for jobs every day. Not my fault that my country sucks in every aspect. So, I am not mad at Jordan, well I have no reasons to be. I was kinda disappointed, but mostly at myself for thinking that it could happen. But right now thinking with my mind, not with my heart. Thank goodness that my heart is not poisoned by love anymore. Otherwise, I would have been here making y'all see Jordan has the bad sheep of the family, ahahha.

I got his point, I know how it feels, I used to be on his feet too, but right now what is best for me isn't dating. I am happy to say that I am not drowned in this love anymore. ( Perhaps that was not the end that y'all expected. Neither, I. But life doesn't ease us always with happy endings). It's strange, I feel nothing, not even resentment. It feels nice to look at someone and feels nothing. I guess it was the best thing to do. Talk to him freely about what happened to us, so he could open my eyes and make me face the reality. Now I am more than focused on learning more languages, to fee my brain with real matters, not with dreams that cannot be accomplished.
I am gonna do what is best for me. I am at peace with my mind and my heart, both of them are looking forward to the same path.