Montana.
"Yeah- absolutely not"
I could've instantly cried at his words.
All I wanted to do was shower.
"I'll get a female nurse to come assist" he spoke as if that would just solve world hunger and be the best thing ever.
"I can't even shower alone?" I immediately spoke, seeing him look from his iPad, where he was entering information from my monitors into it, to me.
"You're having extreme dizzy spells and fatigue- it's not safe and actually against hospital code." He told me slowly.
"Then I'm not showering."
I wasn't letting anyone see me naked and vulnerable.
"Montana, you can pick the nurse if you'd like- they're all trained and very professional-" I felt a tear fall as he spoke, Noah gripping my body tighter as I made my way to the couch slowly, looking out the window I had.
"Don't cry Montana, talk to me- how can we compromise and meet each other in the middle?" I heard him say, hearing him step closer as Noah rubbed my shoulders gently.
I felt so emotional and just tired.
all I wanted was a shower, a change of clothes and to go back to bed.
"I can shower." My voice cracked as I tried to tell him with confidence.
Luke.
It broke my heart.
She had never been this vulnerable and being in a hospital- her least favorite place- didn't make it any easier for her to trust anyone, female or male.
"How about this," I spoke calmly, seeing her watery eyes move to my own.
"You can take a bath, not a shower, a bath, by yourself as long as you let the door stay open- no one will be in the room except Noah, but Noah has full permission to page the nurses if you need any help." I tried to compromise.
I watched her think for a moment.
"Deal."
I made Noah promise me that if she asked for any help at all- he would page a nurse and then I left them.
Montana.
It's not exactly what I wanted, but I was thankful that he compromised a little.
I required no help getting into the bath and I was determined to require no help getting out, just so I could prove them wrong.
But the longer I sat in the warm water, the more tired my body felt.
"You okay Tana?" I heard Noah say from outside the door, I was sure he hadn't moved from just out of view.
I hummed in response, knowing I needed to get out.
I pushed my weight up with my arms, almost immediately failing, noticing how shaky my arms were, like noodles.
Take a deep breath and try again.
So I did that.
I felt tears prick my eyes at the weakness of myself.
This was only my first chemo treatment and I couldn't even lift myself up? What the fuck.
Due to myself being hard headed and determined to be independent, I managed to get to my knees, draining the water and exhaling.
From there- with a lot of my strength, I was able to stand.
I got a towel wrapped around my body and I immediately put down the toilet lid- sitting, almost having to catch my breath.
I went from a state championship soccer player to this in a day span.
I just wanted to cry, but instead- I heard Noah.
"Got it, love?" He was trying so hard to be supportive.
"Noah" I felt my voice crack.
"What's wrong?" He never let his enthusiastic voice drop.
"I don't think I can put my clothes back on." I admitted to him, knowing that balancing myself to do that would be more than challenging.
"Okay." He spoke as if he hadn't just heard bad news.
"What would you like me to do? Page a nurse or do you want me to help you?" He asked me slowly.
"Can you just help me?" I felt my voice crack.
"Of course, let me know when you're ready."
Noah had seen my body plenty of times, it didn't make this comfortable, but it still wasn't as bad as I would feel with a nurse.
"Ready." I cleared my throat to him.
His happy energy rounded the corner, immediately putting his hands out to me.
"You can't look." I told him as I held onto him and the counter for support, my body having a light shake that just made me feel weaker.
"My eyes will stay closed- just tell me how to help."
He did as said.
He pretty much just held most of my weight for me as I put on panties, biker shorts, a sports bra and the biggest t shirt I could find.
He stood with me as I brushed my hair out and moisturized my face before holding me as we walked back to my bed.
"Thank you" I spoke to him, making him smile.
He kissed my forehead gently
"Anything for my girl."
