Resentment

chapter 10 - resolve

As Hermione woke up, she found herself in a shared bedroom in Gryffindor's dorm. She could barely see with her eyes as it was swollen like the muggle internet meme - pepe. The same uniform she wore last night was on display in the corridor this morning. Despite being able to recall coming back to the dormitory, she should have been there by now. It wasn't long before she began to recall Draco's presence. She forced herself out of the bed even though a million things were preventing her from doing that.

As Hermione stared at the mirror, she noticed her soul had almost temporarily disassociated from her body. If she had a break from life, she would just shut down and sleep because of the soreness from muscle pain, the stinginess from tears stains, and the despair from mind.

In her mind, she knew what was best, but it took courage to act on it. It would be easy for her to obliterate herself if she could. Unlike Harry Potter, who managed to get over the war trauma, she was like a cowardly little kid traumatized by war. Even though she was on the winning side from the beginning, she didn't realize how powerful the war was.

It doesn't matter how long it's been, wars destroy souls, they break them into million pieces and no matter how long it's been, it never stops hurting. It wasn't just the pain that just went away, but the fact that people moved on with their lives as well. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't. All she did was to hide in the corner, weeping.

Perhaps living was a punishment from Draco Malfoy, a punishment for knowing she lived. She was always laughing at Ginny for having such bad taste in men. She was. Viktor, Cormac, Ron, Draco - the list could go down if crushes were also counted. It still puzzled her what she sees in them sometimes, she was still trying to understand them. Maybe she was always searching for someone who wouldn't or couldn't be compatible with her, because at the end, it would end in fights and arguments that she dreadfully wanted to escape.

Then she took off her uniform and stuffed it in her laundry basket so she could possibly do the laundry later tonight, or when the clothes ran out, or when one of the house elves helped her clean the rooms on Friday morning. Standing in front of the mirror, she noticed that she was much skinnier than before, and that she was actually able to fit into her fourth-year uniform. The food at lunch and dinner hours was just as good as before, she just wasn't as interested in them as she had been before. There was nothing she wanted to eat.

The thought of ending her life kept whining in her head. It was dreadful to be hopeful, since 90% of the time, hope only brought disappointment. "Hermione? Are you in there?" A distant, muffled voice rang at the door, she couldn't make out who it was, but it sounded familiar. "A little while." She threw a dressing charm onto the uniform to make sure it didn't stink while she wore it. "Accio," she whispered as the bottle of perfume which her parents got her for christmas was caught in her hand.

"Hermione."

"Great," Hermione mumbled to herself. "I was wondering if you would be interested in going to breakfast with me though you might still be in your room." Riley smiled. "Riley, you know I don't eat breakfast." Hermione walked back to her room and pulled some potion books from her bag. "Just hang out with me." Riley gazed directly into Hermione, knowing she would never say no to him if he played softly. "Okay, just today." Hermione agreed, she knew there was a morning quidditch match in which Slytherin was playing against Ravenclaw in 2 hours. He wouldn't be there.

As they walked down the stairs, they noticed there were more people in Gryffindor's common room than they would expect at this hour. "Morning, man." Ron came up to them and did a handshake with Riley. "Hermione," he said coldly. He played a game she understood perfectly. "Hello, Ron." Hermione pulled on the biggest and fakest smile of her life. The moment she greeted him, she heard whispers about her friendship with Harry and Ron. By yanking the bottom of Riley's shirt, she gestured for him to leave right away.