The Tragedy of Marco

Chapter I

Marco Garis was 25 years old when he died. He committed suicide. At least people of his town suspected so. The problem is ... there has been no body found to prove his death. The only thing found in Marco's apartment was a note accompanied with an empty bottle of chardonnay.

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Dear,

sometimes it is hard to understand some things in life. Especially when you can't do anything to change them. As you are reading this you already know what the note is all about. Before I start explaining you my story and the reasons for my actions, I want to assure you something. You are the most beautiful and powerful person I have ever met. You were the brightest star I've ever had in my life, and if you weren't there I'd probably write this letter a lot sooner. But I was destined to write this. Thank you so much for this. You showed me some of the most striking things in life that I would never find or see alone. What I want to tell you is that it was not your fault. It was nobody's fault. My actions are my responsibility and I'm totally aware of them. I know my decision and there was nothing you or anyone else could do to change them. I know you and I know at some point you will feel guilty for my actions but please ... don't. If you feel remorseful right now, leave the rest of the note and return when you feel better, clean.

I believe people are born as white canvas. And others, already painted canvases, take a paintbrush and colour you, as they want. We all have to take the brush in our own hands at one time. We have to paint our own life. The problem is that we cannot unpaint what people before did to us. We can cover it but never hide it from ourselves.

The mixture of my fear to take paintbrush, people that painted me, and colours I later on put on my canvas pushed me into a cave, alone. I started thinking about my life and the meaning behind it. Those thoughts took away my sleep and dark bags under my eyes visited an already messed up face. The amount of coffee in the mornings was bigger and bigger. Some after eight pm wine soon accompanied morning coffee. From wine I advanced to scotch and there came the shame. I became just like my father. I was a messed up drinker and I felt like everyone judged me. But I am not Madame Bovary, neither am I Anna Karenina. I cannot stand bad looks for as long as they did. Society and people that don't know my life will not judge me. I stopped drinking and started to exercise, going out and so ... but it lasted only for a week. I went back to the Jamie's bar where my favourite whiskey already waited. After a week or two I figured out I am strong enough to live my own life. I stopped drinking, started reading meditation books and drank green tea. And after two days I was back at Jamie's. This rollercoaster went on for more than two years. My skin got paler, my hair started to fall off and I had no energy. My all night awake state was replaced with all day lying in bed, mostly sleeping. I wanted to sleep forever, forget about everyone and just sleep. Soon I realized that the wish for a forever sleep is the same as a wish for death. I started thinking about suicide. Again. And I was not proud. I was ashamed. But I recognize now that there was nothing shameful in that way of thinking. My canvas was just full. There was nothing more to add on it and for me that's the end.

Believe me, love, the world is better without me. And I'm better without the world. As you read this I'll already be somewhere in my fantasies enjoying a cigarette. Smile. I can see you and I want you to be happy. Life does not get better, you make it better and I simply decided I don't want to fix my life. I hope you can respect my conclusion. They say a person dies two times. Once when his body dies and the second time when his name is spoken for the last time. I don't want you to think about me every day but please, don't make me die so soon. Be glad for me, accept me, it is not death that I chose. It is the best solution, a nice save. On Earth I was young enough to live the way I wanted but not old enough to survive. Hopefully, here life will be different.

And for you my love, my only love, I wish the best in this life. Live and enjoy every single breath you take and be happy. Colour your canvas and inspire people with it. I believe you can. Just live.

Forever yours,

Marco

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Everybody questioned who the person in the note, Marco's only love, was. His neighbours tried to find the lady but without success.