allurance - afi.

chapter 1 - repeat

TW: ADDICTION, ABUSE, POOR SELF ESTEEM, VIOLENCE
kenzie's pov:

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it's constant. a cycle of looking in the mirror and hating what i see, and trying to stop it in every way possible, even if it's slowly killing me. people say i shouldn't hate myself because i have a boyfriend, and a "nice" family.. it's painful. nobody understands me.

the last time i looked at myself and i was genuinely happy, was when i was stood in the mirror with best friend ashton, taking silly photos and laughing. but no. every little piece of me is breaking apart, trying to be perfect for my boyfriend, jesse. i am constantly undermined and belittled by him, compared to his exes and how they were so much better. my other friend, peyton begs me day in and day out to leave him, but i'm so stuck and overpowered by him that i'm helpless.

i eat nothing but gum and a handful of berries for days in order to stay perfect for him, and my friends get so upset with me for doing it. i can't help it anymore, it's locked into my brain. i want to leave. but everyone would hate me because they see him as some sort of angel. he has caused my life to be a misery and i've wanted to do nothing but rot into the surface when i see him. he's destroying me.

on the other hand..  my family aren't much better. my mother suffers with heavy alcoholism and an addiction to opioids. i don't blame her. my father is a nasty piece of shit. he abuses both me and her, even my little brother elijah. he goes out to clubs doing drugs and blowing all the money my mother earns and doesn't come back for weeks, with other women and whatever else.

my life's on a constant decline, but i have to make the most of it and fake it til i make it. especially as i have school tomorrow, which will take that last piece of so called "sanity" from my soul. but it's okay. i have ashton, michael and payton and jesse never turns up anyway so i'm pretty much safe. i can't wait for the weekend.

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the next day...

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*ALARM RINGS*
i groaned out of pure frustration knowing i have a long ass day ahead of me. i flopped out of bed and sat and stared at my ceiling for about 15 minutes, and eventually mustered up the motivation to go to hell. i checked my phone and realised it was 7:40am. i completely lost track of the time and now i was going to be late to school. i threw some clothes i had stashed under my bed, brushed my teeth and ran out the door with my bag.

i made it with seconds to spare, and school was dead anyway. we all headed in and sat down, and i just rested my head in my arms and daydreamed while keeping my mind open just enough to retain whatever bullshit Mr Franklin decided to cram into us today..

all of a sudden i feel something hit my head, and i look up to see ashton at my desk, retrieving a paper ball he clearly just launched at me. i stuck my tongue out at him and he flicked my head with his fingers and i winced as i didn't expect to be picked on by my best friend at 8.30 in the morning..

just as home room was about to end, a lanky figure with messy brown hair kicks the door open and sits down on the nearest desk.

"Jesse, you're late, out of my class," Mr Franklin hissed.
who would've thought he actually turned up to school. i thought i was safe..
"Well go fuck yourself then you old bastard," he snarled as he stormed out of the classroom.
everyone laughed in unison as I sunk down into my seat with my head in my hands, embarrassed to even be associated with that piece of shit.
the bell finally rang, and i swiftly made my way out of the classroom, keeping my head low and ignoring anyone who tried to approach me.

"HEY, JESSE'S GIRLFRIEND! STOP LOOKING SO DEPRESSED YOU FREAK," someone hollered from the hallway.
"GREASY WHORE," someone else shouted at me as i made my way further along the corridor to my locker..
their words don't hurt anymore, i'm too used to the abuse to even care anymore.