The Ones That Descend Into Misery

To Feel or Not Feel

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is."

~Jim Morrison

JJ sat with her elbows resting on her thighs and her head buried in her hands. She had calmed down a bit since Hotch and her had found Spencer writhing on the floor from an overdose and after she had held him in her arms when he'd died for a little over a minute. The images never left her, but her main concern was what to do with him next. She was the only one who knew he had done it on purpose, and she wanted to keep it that way and leave it up to Spencer to see if he wanted to reveal it to anyone else. The weight of knowing he had actually tried to commit suicide was figuratively the heaviest burden she's had to bear since her PTSD after she was captured and tortured. Knowing that Spencer was being internally tortured was pain for her in itself.

The rest of the team sat in the seats against the wall next to her. They were all in the waiting room of the hospital where they had taken Spence. Everyone from the team had come as quickly as they could. JJ had Hotch call them instead of herself. She couldn't lie while knowing what had actually happened.

"He- He didn't do it on purpose... did he?" Morgan's deep voice spoke up, breaking the unbearable silence that resonated between the team members. JJ felt everyone's heads lift to look at Morgan. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw them all exchanging glances, but not Jayge. She kept her head down and her eyes cast to the floor. She was worried someone would bring up that question. She knew it would've been brought up eventually, it was just a matter of time. It was the big question that everyone had to be wondering.

Hoping someone else would speak up, Rossi answered Jennifer's prayers.

"Spencer's smarter than that." Rossi said. JJ cringed. He was smart. He was brilliant. But he couldn't avoid this. Something about Rossi's voice told JJ that he wasn't too sure with the answer he gave.

"Isn't he?" Morgan spoke up. His head turned and JJ could see his dark eyes gazing upon her out of her peripheral vision. She pretended like she didn't notice and kept her eyes strictly down, her body not moving a muscle as if she was still enough, they'd eventually go away.

The silence and awkwardness of all the team looking over to JJ was starting to get to the point of torture. Luckily, she was gloriously saved by the nurse that stepped out from the swinging double doors on the other side of the stark white walls.

"Dr. Spencer Reid?" she called out, looking for his family. The team straightened in their seats, eager for news about their figurative baby brother.

"Here." Hotch spoke up, leading the team even when not at work. Once again, JJ recognized how she was grateful for this. She certainly didn't have the mindset to think straight. She was glad Hotch was always able to keep it together.

"He's going to be alright. We took the drugs from his system and his blood is circulating healthily now. We're allowing one family member to go and see him." the nurse said. The team froze for a moment, still processing the woman's words. It was Morgan who moved first, shifting in his seat to look back at JJ. This time it wasn't a questioning gaze, it was a comforting one.