Loud Silence

Chapter Ten

It's so cold. I have only a towel around me, as I stand alone in the dark, barefooted, the ground beneath me frozen, zapping me with pain as I take each step.

"Mommy," Daisy is calling me!

"Mommy, mommy!"

"Daisy, I'm here baby. Mommy is coming. Where are you?"

She sits in the middle of a sheet of ice, unattended, unprotected, her arms reaching out for me, happiness beneath her eyes as she sees me.

Tim! No, don't you dare touch her. He picks her up, turning to leave. I run after him, but I can't catch up.

He's gone, they're gone. It all happened so fast, as I was unprepared to process the tragedy that had just played before me. They were just there and he just disappeared with her, leaving me alone once again.

"Daisy! Daisy! Mommy's here my sweet baby. Tim, you fucking asshole. Give her to me. Daisy! Daisy! Daisy!"

I'm running in circles but I can't find the right way, the darkness consuming my eyes once again.

This cannot be happening. Not again. Please, not again! A wretched scream escapes my mouth.

"Jasmine, Jasmine! It's me!"

Sunlight is streaming into the room. There's no Daisy, no Tim. Only me and...Taylor.

"Jasmine, you're sweating like crazy." The sound of him slowly draws me back to reality.

Turning to him, I relay the despair of my nightmare.

"Taylor, I saw her! He took her and I tried but I couldn't run fast enough and he, he just, they just—" My breathing is louder than my thoughts.

"I know, I know." He holds me, knowing it's the only thing he can do to console me. "Jasmine Belrose," it was the first time he has ever addressed me by my full name, "listen to me. Once we find Daisy, I will never let pain find its way to you ever again. I'm so sorry, Jasmine. I'm so sorry."

I'm lying on that familiar crest of his chest, the place I have grown accustomed to cry on, the comfort of hearing his heartbeat. His apologies are heartfelt, and it aches me to know that he had somehow taken on the responsibility of my devastation, taken on the guilt of something he have no part in. 

I despise the fact that we have met like this, during a time when I am so...broken. My life had never been easy, one tsunami after another. I had learned to weather every storm, shielding what I could from Violet. They have made me stronger, more prepared for the letdowns of this world. But this. There was no preparation for a loss of a child. No other catastrophe that could compare. It has crumbled me, shattering me into billions of pieces. And as much as I could reassemble, I've given it to Taylor without his knowledge, and he had unknowingly accepted it, whatever bits and pieces I'm able to offer him. He takes them with no questions, no demands, only gratitude.

I have known love between two sisters, love between a mother and her child. Is this what love between partners is supposed to be like? Giving and sharing, compromising, filling in each other's voids and emptiness, picking up each other's fragments and mending it the best we could?

I may have found love, but I can't seem to grasp it, accept it, or even reciprocate it. Here I am, in possession of the most sought after affection in the world, and I have no idea how to operate it.

❖❖❖

We're sitting outside of a little cafe, at last filling ourselves with food. Taylor had ordered a feast for brunch, of which I was able to eat half a turkey sandwich. Him, on the other hand, had polished off his entire plate of eggs Benedict with a side of hash, a soup, a salad, my fries, and now taking the last spoon of his dessert. His ability to eat and keep his toned body astonishes me.