Under A Paper Moon |N.H|

9

tw // brief mention of suicidal thoughts.

follow this link for international suicide hotlines. https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

i love u all <3

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"I went out with a boy. A man," I correct myself, dropping my head to hang low as I realize my mistake in wording. My elbows rest on the edge of the building in front of me, my body leaning forward against the rough bricks. "He's twenty-four, so a man. A boy makes it sound like we're children. It was two dates, actually," I correct myself again. I tap my forehead with one hand and hold myself up with the other. "Sorry, it slipped my mind."

It had been quiet in my apartment. I thought I would like it that way. I used to always think that would be the dream.

When you're an older sibling, you can't help but sometimes hate the presence of your younger sibling, and when you have a younger sister... I swear there were so many times I wanted to crush my skull because she wouldn't shut the fuck up.

We got closer as we grew up and learned to tolerate each other as children, but selfishly, I favored my alone time over anything else. I was always trapped in my bedroom, and if someone were to come in and disrupt me, it was her. I couldn't keep myself from pushing her away by mistake, especially with the expectation that I would say goodbye when I was meant to leave for school. I wanted to soak up all my time with her, but I needed my time alone. I needed some peace and quiet every now and then.

You always dream of that, until you're forced into silence, unreciprocated and incomplete conversations that will never be finished. I will talk to myself and fucking hope I will hear another voice, and then I'm pissed that I didn't say more to her when she was here.

The thing is, when we were both teenagers, we were best friends. It was always the two of us, and we were always in each other's back pocket. We had the sibling relationship that everyone dreamt of having. Like something out of a perfect movie, we were inseparable.

But even then, it couldn't be enough.

I still ache for more, cry and hold anger that I didn't appreciate my time with her.

There is no amount of time that could have ever been enough before she was taken from me.

Back home — Back in Arizona, there was this deserted parking lot that once had a shopping center. We would go there occasionally, just to pass the time considering there wasn't much in that center that interested us. But we would usually get smoothies or something to sit and drink or eat in the car, talking and doing nothing.

When the shopping center was torn down and all that was left was the parking lot, I went there to feel like I was talking to her.

I would tell her about my day, and I would always wait for her to tell me about hers.

You can guess that I didn't get much of a response.

The moon always hung high above my car those nights.

I sat on my balcony for some time, trying to find the perfect position of my patio chair to see the moon, but with all of the skyscrapers surrounding me, it was impossible. Not to mention the heavy flow of traffic and cars honking left and right below me. It wasn't peaceful in any way.

I took an adventure up to the roof of my apartment building to see the moon better, and to get a little bit of privacy, somewhere further from the roads. I can still hear the cars, but they aren't as loud anymore.

I can see the moon perfectly, and it can see me.

Before I came up here, I heard back from my editor. It was all good things. It's nice to see that. She said she was impressed with the beginning of the story, excited to see where I would take it, and gave a few corrections and suggestions along the way. That's something else I updated my sister on, but right now I'm occupied with filling her in on my date from last night, the second one I have had since being here, but failed to update her after the first one.