Tom will always have a special place in my memory and yes, I especially didn't say 'heart' because he obviously wouldn't deserve that. So where to start with this ... young man or boy... First of all, things didn't start out how you would expect initially, I was quite amused by his introverted manner and nerdish behaviour. He had a weird and unrelated air about himself and carried himself in a not very confident way to be honest but somehow everything turned out so differently in the end and yes, spoiler alert, I got fucked over by him big time. A typical wolf in a lamb's coat thing if you ask me. Anyway, our first meeting was at a very simple, almost working class like bar in the heart of the pretty district x in (German city) and it was quite busy at this time because we were just in a phase of COVID where people were allowed at bars and restaurants again. It was the end of summer of the year 2020 and Tom and I sat down outdoors and had a beer or two. I was relaxed like never before because I was so very self-assured at that time and felt very superior over him. He sat in front of me and laughed nervously from time to time which I thought was quite strange and - as I said before - quite nerdy, too. What was it with him? I didn't feel attracted to him at all in the beginning and I almost even thought to myself that he might be some sort of catfish. He had one single photo on his Tinder profile in which he looked absolutely handsome and attractive, beautiful blue eyes beaming out of such a chiseled and symmetrical face with dark brown hair and such a cute and at the same time slightly mischievous smile. This image is burnt into my head forever, I can tell you that. So in real life, so to speak, I was a little taken aback but not mad or anything because it gave me a feeling of ease and splendour on my side. I felt great about myself and saw him as a simple and quiet boy. In hindsight I might have come across as too self-confident and bright and he surely was a bit overwhelmed. He definitely belongs to the sort that can't take too much social interaction in too short of time; these kinds of people need long breaks in between to recharge their social batteries. Tom Tom Tom, what did you do to me, you stupid unknowning man. Anyway, we sat there and later on switched to the inside when the bar's staff closed down the outdoors area. Indoors there were some TVs and I remember that he got a bit distracted by the football game that was on that night but I didn't even really care. I knew that he got distracted due to his lack of social interaction skills and he even realised and apologised for drifting off. I can talk a lot and I am self-reflective enough to be able to say that sometimes I talk way too much and love to talk about myself and my amazing life. There, I said it, I'm quite self-absorbed from time to time and do see my life as a movie in which I play the main character in every single scene. Tom was just another figure in it and I wanted to play with him, which was almost too easy that particular night in September. I knew that he thought that I was actually too hot for him; he must have realised the latest when other people kept eyeing me longingly and/or curiously and were probably wondering what I had in mind with this sort of guy. Tom must have noticed. Now I even feel a bit sorry for him but as I said, he paid back - big time. So we talked and I laughed obnoxiously and we stayed until the pub closed completely and we went outside again. What now, I thought to myself, probably the same as him. He was too shy and didn't do anything, so when we were about to part and each go our own ways - he had to leave in another direction and I had to get to a bus stop - I made him stall and looked up to him. I myself was surprised by my natural and easy manner. And then, right on cue, it started to rain very daintily and softly and we stood there, facing each other and it was THE perfect moment, this moment that you would definitely only see on screen or read about in stupid teenage romance novels. God was giving me a sign and obviously enjoying our play very much so he generously added to the stage and sprinkled some more glitter onto it. It was so natural that it was almost ridiculous and I cautiously and slowly went in for a kiss in this warm late summer night with the soft sprinkles of raindrops making the leaves of the trees around us rush comfortably in our ears. It was heaven on earth right this minute. I can't remember the exact words I murmured to him but it was something like "Why are you so shy?" Or "Don't be so shy." Or something like that and then we fucking kissed. Yes then we fucking kissed and I'm not sorry for my vulgar choice of words but I don't know how else I can express the intensity of this fucking very moment. It was good, oh yea it was quite good I must say and right this moment as I'm typing this I want to curse him again and again because dammit, you probably already know where this whole fucking story is going. Luckily he didn't really use any tongue and that was good and I remember that I had him at this moment and after his kiss I should have just left him forever and ever and never met him again and this would have been the perfect ending of a not even blossoming love story. But no no my friends, I am a greedy little sex-hungry bitch (this is NOT sexist okay) and I continued this thing. BUT at least I was smart enough that night to go home after this truly innocent (not on my side though) kiss and made him want me. A lot. So right on my way back home he'd already texted me and tried to lure me to come back and that he wasn't even quite home yet but I was good and told him good night. The next day we did not meet either but pretty shortly after this evening we met again and now I actually don't quite remember where and how. What did we do? Did we go to the movies already then? Yes, that must be it. We literally went to the movies as our second date and I thought 'oh, does he want me like that?'. We watched 'Tenet', which was pretty cool (of course I suggested it) and he liked it, too but I knew that I wanted the date to end in a more sexual and carnal way and not in a milky romance dewy thing as last time. So long story short, we walked around after the movie for quite a while and it was actually quite perfect, too because it was another very warm summer night, there was literally no traffic, the street lights shone with a warm orange light onto the cobblestone pavements of pretty (German city) and the streets we passed were clean, beautiful and lined with classical buildings. I already knew that he wasn't into it as i was though and that he had some impediment towards me. I guess we were too different after all. Opposites attract but in some ways we were more similar than he figured and only I knew. One of the problems was that I played an act from the very first second until the end and that he only got to see this version of myself. The version that I am when I'm on camera. I'm actually glad though that it never got to the point where I revealed my true self because then the end would have been even more devastating to me. Or - but I don't want to go there - there wouldn't have been an end. This is just nonsense 'what if' thinking though, so back to the original storyline. So, we were walking towards his shared flat already and I was desperately hoping for some stronger (and more) alcohol, but we had shared a tiny bottle of sparkling wine and I didn't feel tipsy and loose enough to truly blossom in my role that i had picked out for Tom, fucking Tom. Sorry lol.
Anyway, we eventually reached his place of settlement and awkwardly stood next to it. Nope, actually now that I think back, it was somewhere else because there was a pretty courtyard with benches but it was definitely alarmingly close to his place. So how did it end that second night? First, we sat down on one of the benches and we obviously started to make out. At this point I was definitely not in love with him - yet - and we kissed and kissed and I took part but then? Did we actually go to his place then already? Yea, I think we did because I don't quite remember driving back home then. My mind is quite blurry; How did we end up at his place?!
Stay tuned....
