The time came and I was meant to see him once again. Tom. Fucking Tom. We met up at a local bar that had live music on that night and I was already there and waited for him. Would he come? Would he even show up? What if he wouldn't come after all? I had to keep every possible option in mind. But yes, he came, he finally arrived and he was as hot as always. Don't show that you think he's hot, I thought to myself. Tom was so tall, well not too tall, but tall enough and he looked at me with his dazzling blue eyes. Oh gosh, I hated him so so damn much and yet I was so in love with him. Still. After all this time? After all these years? Three years had passed, well almost three years and here we were, once again. We talked a lot and I was on my fucking A-Game. I was super confident and must have exuded confidence and power. At least I felt like that on that evening. I knew I had him in my pocket and this time around it would stay that way. I might have talked too much but I think it was okay; He hadn't changed much and didn't have as much to talk about as I did. We were so different from each other, kinda like polar opposites but then again, were we really? I was a shy introverted kid myself during childhood and even though now things have changed enormously, I still have my own insecurities and feel fucking lost most of the time. Tom is like an anchor, he is so damn calm and so damn normal that I feel so drawn to him. Let's take Henry for instance. Henry was so different to Tom. Henry had the craziest ambitions and wanted to rule the world. He was crazy and driven and had this lust, this appetite, whereas Tom was so content and almost modest even compared to Henry. Tom was just simple Tom, happy with where he was and happy with where he lived. He wouldn't come or move very far in life but exactly this outlook seemed so intriguing and attracting to me. He felt like a safe haven, like a calming source that I could pour all my bullshit into. I talked about everything that I had experienced over the last year and just unloaded myself onto him. I didn't even care if I annoyed him or if he wasn't even interested in hearing all this stuff, I just felt the urge to share and overshare. Sorry but not sorry, I was sick and done of feeling being used myself so of course I would use men instead. One hand washes the other? Does that saying apply? Not sure but whatever, long story short, the evening felt amazing to me and after two glasses of Pinot Grigio (he had a Caipirinha and a Mojito) he payed for both of us and we oh so naturally headed towards his apartment. His flat felt so familiar but yet different and changed. His former flatmate had moved out and he had a new one. I realised that the homey coziness was his old flatmate's doing and chuckled to myself. Oh Tom, he is such a typical mathematician slash nerd. I laughed again, he had added some plants to his room that had died of thirst. Back in 2020 he didn't have one single plant in his room and I told him to get some or at least one to begin with. He had listened. I remembered one of the previous dates where he proudly showed me his first plant. He definitely didn't have a green thumb. He was such a man. Such a simple, manly man and I fucking loved that. Maybe I am too animalistic and primal but he was just what I needed and after mixing a rum drink for me and sitting down on his new sofa, he slowly and - finally started kissing me. And then I got lost. I got lost under his spell, in his scent and in his aura. It was so intimate and you could almost see the tension between us. We matched like water and fire in bed. Skipping forward, I actually started tearing up during sex because I got so emotional and I was so overwhelmed and grateful and just blissfully happy and everything felt so surreal and otherworldly to me. I am telling you, everything that I only had read about and had dreamed about: This was fucking it, I just felt it myself in this very moment on this fucking planet and it felt like two celestial creatures, like two gods were uniting and making love to each other in the most intense way. I am actually missing a proper word for "intense", I know that the meaning differs a bit. But anywaaay, where was I, oh yes, the sex, the fucking godly, heaven like unification of two puzzle pieces that just harmonised. Everything about him, every inch of his body is so tasty and perfect and I kept touching his soft skin. How or why was his skin so damn soft? It was definitely the softest compared to all the other guys' skins I think. Oh damn, just let me dwell in this unrealistic dream. I don't even wanna know what his thoughts were, he definitely doesn't feel the same but I don't even care. I am going to run to him every single possible time, I swear. I am of course dreading the day on which he is going to find his person and on which he will be another woman's boyfriend, fiancé and husband but until then he is just mine. Will I ever move permanently to the city in which he lives? I do not know, my heart is actually still in my own hometown and I know that my rational points just don't add up with Tom's. He is too antisocial and too much of an asshole. He doesn't have the ambitions that I'm looking for and he wouldn't make me happy. The damage from the past can't be undone, it can only be overwritten and we are definitely not there yet. In a different universe he would actually talk about what he had done to me in the past, he would sincerely apologise and feel sorry and guilty and would regret every single letter he had texted back then but hey, we live in this world right here right now and in this universe, Tom is a fucking asshole, but a very hot one and that's that. I do not believe in the shitty fairytales that Shakespeare and his followers wrote and told about but this is as good as ist gets and I'm craving my own story even more because it is real. This is the reality of it all and if the day will come on which I will stand next to Tom in a white bridal gown... no, I can't even take this seriously. It feels like he is missing a big part in his brain, or rather in his heart? I can't even start to imagine him being actually in love with another woman but I think he was or maybe he was very very close to it. "And there she was." he told me ... "and there she was"... these four words sounded so much worse to me than hearing him say "I was in a relationship." Because truthfully, I don't think he was. Not really at least. Maybe they were exclusive by accident but what is it worth if it just lasted for a bunch of months. We had the same thing, you fucker. If I may believe your stupid hollow words, you did the same to this poor young woman which you did to me. You fucking broke our hearts, thanks for that you fucker. I could totally see him living by himself all by himself with a old grey cat in a wooden hut by the sea. The Old Man and the Sea. His title, his story. Clearly I haven't even read the book but just the title screams 'Tom's future' to me. He wants to move to the sea, to the coast and live in the north. He is such a typical northern guy. He is cold and he is distant but he is so hot so hot so hot. These opposites make him so attractive.
