nonbinary pansexual on the loose

yikes

August 21, 2022

I won't lie I forgot this book was one of the published ones. Woof.

I just skimmed through a couple chapters and I'm here to tell you, nonexistent reader, my current sitch.

I love my name. Cleo works perfectly fine. A friend's dad's name is Cleo and that's part of why I let it grow on me.

That crush I had? Crush turned to dust by the end of junior year. He enlisted upon graduating. Haven't really thought about or talked to him since.  Wait, no that's a lie. I saw him after my senior year show and it was an awkward reunion type thing. Cool to see him, but nobody said actual sentences in that interaction.

My sister's boyfriend turned out to be a cheating piece of shit who took advantage of the whole long distance thing.

And I don't believe in God anymore, I believe in gods. I had this huge religious crises after my Mom and Dad got my relatives to sit down and ambush me and my bi brother about being trans/gay. That happened somewhere in January of 2021.

Basically they told us "not in this house" and called my sibling the African version of the f-slur.

But that wasn't until after they wheeled my clothes rack out of my room while I was too tired to defend myself at 6am (about to head to school) to take all the clothes they decided were too "boyish".

They took almost all my clothes, some of which I bought with my own money.

I got my own little revenge though spawned from trust issues. When they gave me back my clothes rack, I didn't want them to do it again, so I got a screwdriver and took off the four wheels.

The pandemic was still going on so I put the wheels in my backpack and in my senior year, I hid them in my locker.

Also I don't really fuck with labels anymore. Pan, omni, poly — all those labels fit right at different times everything is fluid. Only thing I'm never is is straight. Gender follows the same route and I don't like the term genderfluid in reference to myself, but no other label would make sense to people cause they don't fit me. I'm a guy who feels nonbinary sometimes and wants to wear dresses & skirts sometimes.

Presentation 👏🏾 is 👏🏾 not 👏🏾 orientation.

But back to that traumatizing experience after their sit down talk, they made the whole family hold hands and pray. And I remember thinking as they clenched my hands, with tears rolling down my face as they spewed words at the ceiling, I would never believe in a god who could allow some shit like this to unfold.

Yeah, yeah, free will and all, but I've been praying to that bitch since I was able to speak. I deserve better than a false god.

After that, I kinda passed in and out of religion, never really the same.

Still gay as shit, but can't trust my parents with a 39 and a half foot pole. You really think a person has changed and then they pull some shit like that. Go back to being neglectful, puta.

By the start of my senior year, I was making little sacrilege quips that my old self would've immediately shushed and berated myself for.

I had a religious friend who seemed a little disappointed that I didn't believe anymore, they understood, but it was still weird cause it kinda seemed like they wanted me to get back into it.

I didn't entirely explain, I just told her religious trauma from parents and she just gave me a look like she'd seen a kicked puppy.

I hated it.

I ended becoming more spiritual. I don't like to call it my religion, the word was kinda soiled for me. I eventually found some other witches and we started a coven.

Now spiritually, I'm the most fulfilled I have ever been. Shit is working out, prayers being answered.

No more oppressive bull shit. And if there is I can call it out.

I'm a better person to myself. My mental health and safety is my top priority. I love myself much more than one anyone else which is saying a lot cause of who I used to be.

I've grown in a healthy person with concern for their own well being. And it's not selfish or mean, it's the way people are supposed to be.

Love yourself more than you love your abusers. In fact, fuck them. They can go sit on a rusted pipe. Stick that in your ass and chew it, Dad.

I am still angry at them sometimes and I have a lot more growth to do. A lot of traumas to heal. But I'm taking my time and being patient with myself.

I have bad days, I have good days.

But I always know I can get through it.

Also GC2B binders stretch. I've had the same one since that last post, and it has stretched my guy.

It's also really hot to wear in the summer so I simply don't. Another thing, I still want them gone, but damn my boobs look good in literally anything.

I would prefer pecs, but golly am I attractive already.

Oh yeah, I was telling you shit. Fuck, I forgot.

I'm now 17 years old, I just graduated from high school in June. I'm heading to college even though I really wanted to take a gap year to figure out my shit. But the 'rents said no so what can you do. Now I'm going to a college that I'm only attending because a friend goes there (that's the only reason I applied).

Don't only apply to a college because your friend is going there. I'm going to live in the city. I hate the city. (It's great for a weekend trip, but I need trees, my guy.)

I also last minute switched my major to something I have only a slight interest in. Because this college does not offer what I'm looking for. At all.

But that's all right, I'm getting dorm mates who are also trans which is fire. Sadly, I can't be in gender inclusive housing cause my parents suck, but at least I get this.

I hope we end up good friends. Or at least good acquaintances.

There are two rooms, two people to each. One of the rooms is only gonna have one person cause one of our roommates already dropped the room.

I kinda want my own room (cause I'm used to sleeping shirtless), but at the same time I can see myself having a roommate (shirt on of course).

Regardless, despite my parents things are looking up. I love myself now and that's such a beautiful thing.

I'm no longer a hulking mass of self deprecation and self sacrifice. I can be a human.

So my piece of advice cause I graduated which means you have to listen to me (jk).

Shame is man made. It's taught, not ingrained. Leave that shit behind and just do what you want.

Don't let yourself put others before your own emotional, physical, or even spiritual well being. You deserve to be your top priority. It's not selfish. You can't feed others, if you yourself are starving.

Take yourself out of other people's shoes and decide what you want before bringing anybody else into question. Make your wants and needs your top priority. Somebody needs to be on your team and it's gotta be you.