nonbinary pansexual on the loose

dysphoria & coming out

warning: mentions of pretty much everything, but drugs and violence.

alright it's fxcking six am, and im sad, tired, and a little dysphoric. I've had coming out on the back burner of my mind for the longest time now. I didn't think I cared much, and before my whole plan was to just say "iM gAY" on my way to college and dip out the door before they could disown me, but that was before when my parents were either neglectful or mentally, verbally, and the occasionally physically abusive. but then the neglectful one was snapped at by me and suddenly takes in interest in our lives, and the abusive one goes through a traumatic experience that makes 'em act normal.

so now, if they decide I need to change or they don't want me anymore, it'll actually hurt. it'll dig into that emotionally unavailable barrier of mine, and rip out my slowly dying heart.

i know i sound ungrateful and stupid, but it would be so much easier if they were still horrible human beings in my eyes.

I wouldn't care about the look in mother's eyes as she tried putting holy oil on my forehead, and attempted to pray the "demonic spirit" out of me. And if my dad drove off for a couple days without a word, I'd take it as a blessing.

But no, I'm a 30 year old nonbinary pansexual in 15 year old's body, crying after a sleepless night of too much thought.

It just hurts that I have to worry about my oldest brother still considering me female, unintentionally or not, even after I came out to him. I mean he acknowledges that I'm pan, but I'm so sure that he just forgot that I'm not a girl because he only speaks to me or anybody else when he wants to. And that's another thing that I have to worry about. Will my brother ever care enough to know anything about me that isn't about stocks or exercise techniques? After all that's all we talk about.

And jesus christ I want a chest binder, or top surgery since we're asking for miracles. I just can't deal with it all at once, it's too much. Everyday I wake up and live the same lie, over, and over, and over, and it's choking the life out of me.

god, i wish i was joking. i wish it didn't hurt, and i wish i could go to sleep like everybody else on earth, and i wish my life could be easier for once.

but i don't get to wish. not "until im older" anyways.

after all, i am black, trans, and the gayest person in the room at all times, living under a roof with African parents in America.

Racism, homophobia, transphobia — from the moment i exited the womb, i was fxcked.

So when I go downstairs today, and they ask, "Hey Cleo, why are your eyes all puffy and red." no I can't say say, "I'd prefer you call me Kise, with them/they pronouns, by the way the ENTIRE cast of My Hero Academia can get it."

Instead, I'll say, "yesterday i watched Toy Story 4" and my parents won't get it, but my siblings will laugh. my parents will say "what's that" and I'll try to explain the plot of a movie I've never seen before, while opening the cabinet for eye drops. Then my siblings who are already eating will make some joke about it, change the topic, and we'll move on.

Or at least, they'll move on, I can't.

Because the one person I want to talk to about the most is the bigender brother (pronouns: he/they - they don't care) that doesn't live with us anymore. the one who just got mentally healthy from years of living in our family, and is building a relationship with our father that I don't want to, no, can't ruin with questions burning through my insomnia. I don't want to give him something to be anxious about while he's just got his feet on the ground.

It just sucks @ss. Dysphoria's a bxtch. And so is insomnia.