To love you is a Gift (GAP ending)

1

Mon's POV

I'm happy, She's happy, We are happy because of the fact that both family's knows our relationship, I thought as long as I am with Khun Sam everything is perfect even if our relationship are not out in the open, that only selected people know our relationship and most importantly even if we will not be married. we will be happy for as long as we have each other.
But reality is really different from thoughts because reality hurts more than what we think.
It hurts everytime there's an interview and she will say that she is single, just to follow her grandmas' wishes. I always comfort myself that Khun Sam loves me and she is merely saying those things. And her love should be enough..
That should be enough

Maybe Khun Sam noticed that her answer being single bothers me that's why when she got another interview and asked about her status she told them that she has a lover. I thought I can be at ease with that because she admitted that she has a lover but it was the opposite of being at ease, my can of insecurities opens, and compares myself to those who are being linked with her. Since she did not name a person, every magazines and tabloid links her with rich bachelors saying that they are meant to be together because they are from a rich family, a good husband material and such..

The hardship of being a secret lover and sometimes an over thinker, ideas or questions like

"Am I a dirty laundry needed to be hidden?"
"What if this thing we have will stop?",
"What if she finds someone else that she can introduce to the world"

bugs me. Even if I don't want to think about it but I can't stop these poisonous ideas keep on revolving inside my head.
Also I know, I know that we need to hide this because I cant and I dont want to be the one or reason to tarnish Khun Sam's reputation because I Love her.. but I can't stop myself from being hurt.

Its also not helping that Khun Sam is very jealous and territorial, she will get angry when she sees me with someone else. talking and laughing with them. She'll be angry when she sees my suitors who kept on pestering me even if I declined their advances and even stated with conviction to everyone trying to hit on me that I am currently inlove and in a relationship with someone but they dont believe me because I cannot show or tell them who is it..
I cannot also use Nop because khun sam is also jealouse of him.

I really love Khun Sam, I love being with her, I love us being together in the world we both created for only the two of us, and I love being her girlfriend even if no one knows aside from our family and friends.
Not until I decided to end this relationship, our relationship.
Our normal routine for saturdays was to eat outside or we cook, watch a movie inside the house, talk or just relax while being cuddled by Khun Sam. 
It was a fine saturday afternoon when I decided to end our relationship, we were currently in the living room watching korean drama, actually Im not watching since I am thinking how to end it with her, how to break up with her even if it is already killing me inside.
Khun Sam noticed that I am not being myself today.

"What's wrong Mon, did I do something wrong, if yes then.. I'm sorry"
But I didn't respond nor look at her.

"Mon.. please talk to me you've been giving me cold shoulder for the whole day, what's wrong"

I really don't know how to start it, but I need to do this.
I stand up. Khun Sam also stand up and she made me face her. While looking at her eye, her eyes full of warmth, love and gentleness.
I let go of the tears I am holding back.
Without understanding why i am crying, she hug me.. she tried to comfort me. I will miss this, the feeling of being secured, while she hold me in her arms like she is holding a breakable priceless furniture. I will also miss the kisses on my head or forehead when she tries to comfort me..
Before my resolution totally crumbles, i pushed her a little bit so I can free myself from her hug.
But she didnt let mo go insted she holds both of me forearm while asking me whats wrong, and the same time trying too look at my face since I bow down my head a little trying to hide from her and avoding to look at here beautiful eyes.
With much difficulty, I blurted out.