For King And Country (not mine)

Present Day II

"Right, then." Alison yawned. "That's film club done. Brilliant choice, Kitty."
"Thank you for letting us watch it, Alison!" Kitty was beaming, and slowly, the ghosts began to move. Most of them would be returning to their own rooms now, doing whatever they did before they went to sleep.
Alison stood and stretched, and when she turned around, she saw the absent look on the Captain's face.
"Everything alright, Captain?" She asked. He jerked slightly, hearing her voice and getting startled for a moment. "The film is finished. Everyone's heading off to bed."
"Yes, of course. It is getting quite late." The Captain said. He stood and readjusted his jacket slightly. "Though, I might go for a walk around the grounds. I'm not quite tired yet." "Would you like some company or are you okay?" Alison asked.
"I was thinking of going on a walk too. Would you mind if I joined you, sir?" Havers asked.
The Captain's eyes landed on the lieutenant for a brief second before he cleared his throat and looked away.
"Not at all, Havers. Doing the rounds at night ... just like old times."
Havers smiled. "My thoughts exactly."
The lieutenant crossed the room and the Captain joined him, falling into step with ease.
This reminded the Captain of how things used to be. He and Havers had always been so good at working in tandem. It had been instinct after a while for their steps to match, their routines to sync, their way of operating around their paperwork to anticipate and incorporate the other's presence.
He remembered how easy it had been for them to go about their days and know where the other was and for them to wordlessly know what the other needed.
There was a respectable distance between them as they walked through the house and out onto the grounds. But to the Captain, that small distance felt like miles.
He'd grown used to beating the thoughts of how things used to be. It was instinct now. The guilt that he had surrounding their separation made him choke up, and the desire to fix it was always bubbling away under his skin, trying to claw its way out of his chest.
But he kept them away as best he could, focusing instead on walking.
"Beautiful night, isn't it?" Havers asked, looking up at the stars as the two of them walked. "Sometimes when I walk the grounds at night, I forget that we're so far out of our time. It looks the exact same out here as it did then."
"I can see why Robin loves the moon so much." The Captain agreed. "It really is lovely when there's no light pollution."
"Or air raid threats to ruin the mood," Havers added. The Captain chuckled.
"Yes, that's one thing I don't miss about the war. Nothing ever came close here, but the fear was always real."

"This might sound odd, but I do sometimes miss the Anderson shelter. It's a terrible shame they got rid of it." Havers said.
"I suppose we did have some laughs down there." The Captain mused.
"We had so many nights there one Christmas, do you remember?" Havers asked.
"Yes, yes, of course."
"You handled it well, sir," Havers said. "I did notice that you were on edge, but I don't think the others did."
"Is that why you always sat beside me after the third siren came?" The Captain asked. "It wasn't just that night that you noticed?"
"Yes, sir. I recognised the pattern. The third one was a long one."
"Fifty-six minutes and twenty seconds exactly." The Captain said, echoing Havers' own words.
"You remember." Havers seemed overjoyed that the numbers had stuck in the Captain's head. "After that, each raid got longer, and I didn't want you to be the only one unable to focus on anything but the sirens."
"I don't think I ever thanked you. I always appreciated it."
Havers smiled. "It was my pleasure, Captain." He was quiet for a few moments, almost daring himself to speak. "Do you remember the raid on New Year's Eve that year?"
"Yes," The Captain said quietly. "We were on our rounds, on a night much like this, only a lot colder. We took the Anderson. It was a relief when we found Smith and Reed safe and sound in the Morrison."
"We were awfully clumsy that night, don't you think?" Havers asked. "I don't think I've ever seen your hands shake so much."
"Well, we had had a few drinks, so I don't suppose anyone would've blamed us, really."
"One thing I always admired you for was your willingness to allow us the Christmas period. It kept us sane when things started getting bad. I couldn't imagine having a better captain than you."
"That's very kind of you, Havers. Thank you." The Captain said, flushing a little. He cleared his throat and fought not to look at the lieutenant. If he did, he might let something show, and he couldn't have that.
The two carried on walking around the house, taking another ten minutes before they reached the front door.
The Captain could tell that Havers wanted to say something about the letter's contents.
He had most likely read it by now, and that was why he'd been late and dishevelled when he came downstairs to film club. He hadn't sat with the Captain, as he usually would, and he had been bold when specifically calling out his superior's opinion about the Wizard of Oz.

The Captain's reaction had likely only confirmed things in Havers' mind. That he was still keenly aware of the things he tried to hide, despite the facade he tried desperately to keep up.
It had been instinct, in truth, to mention Dorothy. He knew that it was safe to talk about such things with Havers, and neither of them had seemed to let go of identifying terms.
Sometimes he forgot that it used to be easier to talk about these things, that they were once able to be honest about their inclinations to each other.
He was so used to punishing himself for thinking about the way Havers used to hold him and the way he used to kiss.
Despite the changes to the law and the attitudes surrounding sexuality and love, the Captain was still convinced that it would be different if he admitted it aloud. It was always easier to accept the idea of something when it didn't affect you.
He didn't want anyone's idea of him to change, for them to have a preconceived notion for people like him in mind and to tell him he was wrong because he didn't meet the expectation.
But Havers didn't mention the letter. He just walked through the front door beside the Captain. Maybe he was hoping that the Captain would say something first. If he was waiting for that, then they could add another seventy years to the waiting game.
He wanted to be ready, but until he was ready for everything that came with the confession, the Captain would remain quiet. He wanted to give Havers what he deserved. He deserved much more than a man who still couldn't say the words aloud to himself yet.
Once the two climbed the stairs in silence, they stopped by Havers' door.
"Thank you for coming with me tonight, Havers." The Captain said. "We should do the rounds together more often. I didn't realise how much I've missed it." "It was rather nice," Havers admitted.
The Captain was transported back for a moment, remembering another night during the war when they'd returned from the Anderson. Just a few days before New Year's Eve, before everything had escalated. They had stood in this spot, the weight of everything left unsaid hanging between them, waiting to be unleashed.
"Well ..." The Captain trailed off. "I suppose I'll say goodnight."
"Goodnight, sir." Havers said quietly, brown eyes filled with all the things he was desperate to say.
They remained watching each other for a few seconds before the Captain moved away first. He made it around the corner before he stopped and mentally kicked himself.
"What on earth are you still so afraid of?" He murmured to himself. "Get yourself together, man!"
He needed to address it sooner or later. The proverbial cat was out of the bag now that the letter had been discovered. They could not go on like this for much longer.
He took a deep breath and returned to his room, each step feeling like a rope pulled tautly, anchored to Havers. But he would bounce back in the morning, as he always did. The ache that he felt being separated from his second would be eased by the stuttering in his chest every time Havers smiled.
And maybe he'd even find the courage to act on his longing.