For King And Country (not mine)

Present Day IV

Havers watched as the Captain flittered around the room, talking to the other ghosts and trying hard to pretend like he wasn't ignoring Havers.
Seeing his Teddy get so close to saying the words had given him hope.
Not your Teddy anymore. He hasn't been that in almost a century.
It was still a conscious effort to remind himself that the Captain had made his choice all those years ago.
He would continue to make his own choices on his terms, and Havers would make sure that he was there whenever the Captain needed him.
It had been Lieutenant Havers and the Captain from the beginning. An unlikely pair of commanding officers, and an even more unlikely friendship.
But they were meant to be there for support reasons. That was the purpose of their roles. To lead and serve together.
They were never supposed to be anything more.
That didn't mean the obvious distance the Captain put between them was any easier to bear.
When they went about their daily business, they often found themselves in different parts of the house at different times. Time apart was normal. But the Captain's fiddling and air of uncertainty made this time stand out.
"He doesn't quite know what to do with himself, does he?" Alison asked, appearing beside Havers almost like a ghost herself.
Havers flinched slightly out of shock, glancing at her for only a moment before returning his gaze to the Captain.
"Not quite." He answered. "I imagine it's to do with my confession the other day. He always was a little jumpy when it came to such sensitive topics."
"I suppose it hits close to home." Alison shrugged. Havers looked at her again, frowning.
"What do you mean by that?"
"W-well, I ... I suppose I mean that it must be hard watching a friend come out when you're struggling to." She said. "It looked like he wanted to."
Havers didn't quite know what to say to that. He didn't want to speak on the Captain's behalf. It wasn't fair of him, despite how intimately he knew what the Captain felt.
He knew almost everything about the Captain. The way he clutched his swagger stick could give it away most of the time. If he fiddled a lot, he was nervous.
He had a lot of tells for being nervous, Havers had learned.
But he had his little hop on the balls of his feet that signified when he was happy.
The way Havers could tell when his lips quirked up under his moustache, trying not to laugh or smile when he thought he shouldn't.
And there was nothing quite like the way he raised his jaw a little when he was particularly proud of something.
Havers was ever so fond of all of the quirks. All his little tells that you could never ignore once you knew where to look.
He missed those days when they had a purpose, and there was work to be done.
He missed when they knew each other so well that they could anticipate every move the other would make, and they didn’t have to be ashamed of it.
When it happened now, the Captain’s eyes would never meet Havers’, darting around the room to make sure no one was looking at him differently, suspecting him of something criminal.
It was times like this, when the inevitable sensitivity of their past reared his head, that Havers wished he could unsee all of the Captain's quirks.
Havers couldn't help him, after all. He would only make things worse by cornering the Captain, and he didn't want to cause a rift between them.
"If you've come to ask a question, I suggest you ask it outright," Havers said.
"You know he's gay as well, don't you?" Alison quietly. Havers looked away, electing to not respond. "I'm sorry, I don’t mean to pry. You know him better than any of us, and I figured you'd know how best to help him."
"If you want to help, then you'll leave him as he is," Havers told her, frustration bubbling under his skin. "Things are harder for him. He's had a stricter life than I have. He's never even said anything about it to me, and we ..." Havers stopped himself.
"You what?" Alison asked.
"Nothing." Havers shook his head. "Excuse me. I promised a game of chess to Robin." As soon as he took a step from Alison, the movement caught the Captain's eye.
He looked, watched for a few moments as Havers stayed away from him and sat opposite Robin instead.
~
"Havers, could you tell us more? It's your turn to talk about something tonight."
"Tell you more about what?" Havers asked, looking up from Alison's computer to speak to Kitty.
On the screen was a riveting game of cricket between England and Australia. Australia was winning, of course, but Havers was enjoying it nonetheless.
The Captain was somewhere else in the house, missing the game completely. It was a shame. He didn't usually miss the cricket for anything.
"About being gay," Kitty said excitedly. "I don't know anyone gay. Those two lovely brides were here before, but I couldn't talk to them. But I can talk to you!"
Havers shifted slightly, pondering for a few seconds. He didn't want to upset Kitty, but he also didn't know whether his soul could take much more baring so soon after the therapy session.
"Kitty, maybe it's not such a good idea right away," Pat said. "Maybe Havers wanted to tell us about cricket instead."
Havers watched as the scoutmaster tried valiantly to be subtle and kind, catering to both Kitty and Havers.
"Well, why don't you ask me a few questions tonight?" Havers said slowly. "Everyone's been dying to ask about it. But you must promise not to be too invasive. It's still difficult to talk about sometimes."
"Are you sure you'd be okay with it?" Pat asked.
Havers nodded shakily. "I suppose I should get used to it at some point. I shouldn't waste another seventy years. That's no way to spend my death, is it?"
"Well, I'll get the others to think hard about some questions. I'll make sure they don't think of anything too Julian-esque."
Havers chuckled. "That'd be fantastic. Thank you, Pat."
~
The group gathered while Alison and Mike were eating dinner, all sat casually in the common room.
Well, everyone apart from the Captain, who had decided to disappear off somewhere.
"When did you find out?" Kitty asked. "Was it always obvious?"
"I'm not quite sure," Havers answered. "It was always there, I think, but I just ... chose to ignore it for a long time."
"Is it true that soldiers sneak around while they're abroad without any women?" Julian asked.
"Sneak around?" Havers replied. "With each other?"
Julian nodded, a hint of mischief in his eyes. Havers had almost anticipated a question like this from Julian.
"Some did. You could hear them at night, sometimes. There were probably a lot more than what we were aware of. It was never something we talked about. If you suspected it of someone, you closed your eyes and pretended to be asleep."
Havers remembered those days vividly. It happened more often than he could count.
"I think it's an awful shame, Havers," Fanny said. "I mean, you're such a handsome young man.
Surely there was a lovely woman who you could've quite happily loved?"
"Ah, Captain! There you are!" Pat called.
Havers grit his teeth, wanting nothing more than to disappear into the cushions. Of course, he'd end up with this question just as the Captain returned.
"Sorry about my tardiness. I was feeling a little faint. I needed some air." The Captain explained.
His voice came from behind Havers. "I believe it's Havers' turn tonight."
"We're asking him all about being gay," Kitty told him excitedly. "We were all curious. Julian's the only one that's met a gay person before." "Ah, I see." The Captain said.
"Saved you seat," Robin said, patting the space between him and Havers. "Sit."
The Captain seemed to hesitate, and Havers fought the urge not to turn and look at him. He was worried about the expressions he'd see.
A few seconds later, the Captain joined Robin and Havers on the sofa.
"Yes, well, do carry on. Don't let me disrupt you." The Captain said.
"Well?" Fanny asked.
"My apologies, Fanny, could you repeat the question?"
"Was there never a girl that you could've been happily married to?"
Havers' heart constricted as the question reminded him of his life, of the situation that had driven him and the Captain apart in the first place.
"No," Havers answered shakily. "Never. I did go on a few dates with a girl once. A friend of my sister's. Her name is at the forefront of my mind, but I can't -"
"Elise." The Captain mumbled. "Her name was Elise. You told me about her once, after a few drinks."
Havers paused, looking at the Captain. The Captain refused to meet his gaze, perched on the edge of the sofa as he were getting ready to run.
Havers remembered Elise, of course. But he hadn't wanted to say her name out loud, knowing what it meant to both him and the man beside him.
"Yes, that's it," He said instead. "Elise. Thank you, sir." "It never worked out with Elise?" Pat asked.
"I felt like I was being cruel to her," Havers explained, looking back to the room. "I knew I couldn't love her in the way I was expected to. I took her on the dates because she was a family friend and widowed very young. I felt cornered and panicked."
"Did you have a boyfriend?" Kitty asked. "Did you ever fall in love? Oh, I hope you did! I bet it was ever so romantic!"
Havers flushed and tapped the toe of his boot gently, almost soundlessly, on the floor to release some nervous energy.
"He definitely did!" Julian said, pointing at Havers with a maddening grin on his face. "Look at him! He had a boyfriend! What was his name?"
"What was he like?" Humphrey asked. This was a rare occasion in which someone had brought his head in, and he was resting on the table quite happily.
"Was handsome?" Robin jumped in.
"Could he provide for you both, at least?" Fanny added.
"Were you hopelessly in love with him, like all the books say?" Kitty asked.
"I - I don't really, I mean, I ... I'm not sure if I -" Havers stammered.
"Stop being so overbearing, you lot!" Pat commanded. "Only answer what you're comfortable with, mate. You don't have to answer anything at all if you don't want to."
"I ..." Havers trailed off. "W-well, I have been in love before. Once."
There were some murmured coos around the room, and Havers drummed his fingers on his knees, unsure of what to say.
"I had a few ... experiences before. But he was the first and the last one that I ever had a real connection with. I died loving him, and I still feel that way about him even so many years later."
"What was his name?"
Havers hesitated. "I'm not so sure I want to disclose that. But it was a name I shortened. It was something very private, only between us. We were both very attached to it."
"Did he give you a nickname too?" Pat asked. “I used to have all sorts of nicknames for my Carol.”
Havers looked at him sadly. He knew that they had all noticed the way he had brcome tense and sad and quiet.
But had they tied it to him and the Captain? Was there something to be said in the way they both reacted?
"Yes," Havers admitted slowly. "Yes, he did. He called me Will."
"What happened to him? Were you both in the war?" Thomas asked.
Havers didn't say anything. He could feel the Captain's gaze on him, just like everyone else's. But his gaze was hesitant, almost like he was only looking to avoid suspicion.
"I - I don't want to talk about it," Havers said softly. "I'm sorry. Some things are still a little too fresh."
"How about we move on to something else for tonight?" Pat suggested gently. "Is there something else you'd like to talk about? Cricket? You and the Captain seem to enjoy that a lot."
The Captain moved, easing himself off the sofa and trying to slip out of the room as quickly and quietly as possible. There was silence for a few seconds as they all watched him go.
"What's wrong with him?" Fanny asked.
"Absolutely no idea." Thomas mused.
"Excuse me for just a moment." Havers excused himself, making a mental note to apologise for his sudden departure later.
His feet carried him automatically to one of the other places he knew the Captain frequented often, the room that Alison and Michael had set up as a living room. It was where they held film club.
Havers knew the Captain would go there. It was a room that held a lot of memories.
It was the place where the Captain had waved goodbye to Havers from the window all those years ago. The same room he had been in when Havers had been shot. It had been a horrific thing, Havers was sure.
But it was the one place that the Captain always went when he was nostalgic about he and Havers, though Havers would never admit he knew that.
It was an obvious choice when you knew the history of the room to them.
Havers stepped through the door and sure as anything, saw the Captain perched on the sill, gazing out onto the grounds, the heartbreak pouring from him in waves and filling the room.
It was a rare moment of vulnerability, and Havers didn’t want to take it for granted. With no reservations, only resolve, Havers took a breath and spoke.