Ma vie, un mois d'août

August 1

As surprising it was to see rain on August. Nothing was as hurtful as my boyfriend's words.

I wished I knew sooner where I was leading to.
Being called names by someone you care, respect, admire, is truly disappointing.
If I could erase my feelings towards him, would I break up? Is it all that's stopping me ? My heart aches as I am imagining multiple explanations to his behavior.

This must be a red flag, right ?
Did he stop loving me ?
Why is he putting me in such a state of confusion knowing how sensitive I am...
I thought I was precious to him, I've seen him treating his video games with more care.
He just left, to sleep, calmly while I was unable to stop the tears from falling. He must know about it... He could have said something nicer before sleeping , just to make me feel better (or even just slightly less pitiful). He didn't. He just left the living room to the bed room. As if he was waiting for that moment. I guess he feels better when I'm not around. I'm a chewing-gum on his shoes. A tumor in his cells. A poison in his drink.

Does he wanna get rid of me by making me hate him ? Well it doesn't work at all.
He got to try harder. Eventually, he will as I'm staying around. I guess he knows that I know... I guess everyone knows a lot of things but doesn't express it. So many thoughts unsaid, so many saids unthought. What a waste of freedom.
I guess it was meant to break me. But I'll stay anyways and always.

I bet I sound as pathetic as my words sound like. Falling in love isn't just a metaphor, I truly fell. I fell from the 7th heaven's floor to the ground. The fall hurted as gravity promised.
I fell for love and may do it again. I can not take decisions, I'm blinded by this love. I can't hear what my friends say about him, I'm deaf by the thunder. I can't help it. I'm in fact, just a miserable heart, in a miserable body.
Loving him is what makes me feel alive, so how come do I feel like dying when he's around too ?
I keep on thinking about everything sweet he did. Those scenes and memories on loop. The serotine going up and up. Not so much different from other addictions. As painful as I wish it wasn't, I can not seem to let go.

I decided to have a walk, in this rainy weather. My falling tears look invisible with the falling drops of rain. The street isn't busy. The lights try their best to show me the way. Yet, I just walk carelessly. I've cared so much lately. I just want it to stop.