Ma vie, un mois d'août

It's over

I know it's over and it really never began.

I met its gaze without ever meeting them. That person is not just a person, it is an ecosystem, an atmosphere, on its own. I've stuffed myself drunk of memories never lived. Yet, its always around me, somewhere, in between two other thoughts.
That person isn't quite a person, it is an idea. Or more like... my deepest unsaid yet told dreams. Becoming a ballerina at L'Opéra Garnier, being a validated professionnal dancer. I want it all, the fame, the praise, the attention. I want to own everything that can be owned. I want to touch everything that can meet my skin. I want to dance on every music possible, even the ones that don't make any sound. I want to live as free as the wind. Following my path would be impossible to anyone who would try to ; I want to be unpredictable, confident, mysterious.

However, I am none of that. I'm barely half a being. I don't really make my own decisions..I mean.. even if I did, I wouldn't dare to as it would turn chaotic. Chaos would dictate my life as frequent as the wind in my city, Paris.

I wish all of it was different as I said earlier, but if everything was different, wouldn't that mean I would be different ? Do I really want to give up on everything I believe in, my principles, my beliefs, dishonor my family, in the name of freedom ?
I don't think I'd ever be able to. I believe kindness will lead me to the top. But don't I need corrumption, cheating, elitism, lying, playing games to realise my dreams ? Isn't it how it is protrayed historically speaking ?

We can easily find similarities between La cour de France and a school play ground (or a work space). But I'd like to show otherwise. I don't necessary think my way is the right way. Just as I don't blame the people who find the cheating codes to success. I believe I can.

In the meanwhile, I remain myself to daydream about it. My virtual reality is so much more impressive than my actual life. I mean... I am just a 19 years old chemistry student who isn't even bold enough to try a ballet competition. I can't loose if I never try.
I've picked chemistry out of safety. Plus, my parents are proud of it. My older sister also studies chemistry in masters.
I can't just quit for performing arts. I bet they don't even know I like ballet. They only applied for me in that ballet school 10 years ago because of my low social skills. As a kid I didn't want to have friends. Not because I had nothing to talk about, but because other kids were extremely stupid. Stupid, noisy, selfish, uninteresting. Adults are not so much different. But the worst of all are judgemental people like me. I guess that must be why I'm so afraid of people's gaze. Just as I judge people so heavily, I'm afraid to be treated the same way.